Wait. Think.What was he doing, exactly…? Seeking her forgiveness? For the things he'd done, it wasn't hers to give, and unfair to put on her. Seeking her comfort? Again, that was for his sake, not hers, not theirs. This shouldn't be about putting his burdens onto her. What exactly did he want to tell her, and, more importantly, why? Somehow, he hadn't already planned it out, assessed and chosen.
So do it now. Quickly. The things that flashed into his mind, he seized and rifled through like a deck of cards.
Tivik. She wouldn't be surprised, knowing his work; and would probably understand, knowing war. Galen. They'd already had that confrontation, did he really need to bring that all up for her again, uninvited, now? If she ever wanted more, he would give it at once, but that should be up to her, not him. The CIS. He'd been far from the only dupe, there. There were thousands upon thousands of them. He'd been a child soldier. So had she. They'd been on opposite sides of that war, but had they really chosen them, or been chosen by them? …Well, that one was worth mentioning, because he didn't need anything from her, over it. He just wanted her to know. Knowing from her record, as he did, where she'd been born, and that she and him would have been enemies.]
I was a Separatist, from when I was six—when my father was killed—until I was fifteen—when Draven recruited me. If I'd known then what I know now, I probably would have defected. But I didn't, so I was.
[Xilo. Okay, why on Hoth…?]
My first girlfriend was in Alliance Intelligence. She betrayed us. She died. She'd been pregnant. I fought Draven until he approved a sterilization surgery for me so that could never happen again. Especially because I became a spy and started having to sleep with people for the work. She was the only person I've ever slept with because I chose to. Every other time, it's been for a mission.
[So much for measured assessment.
Well, that's as grotesque [to himself] as it got. You're committed now.]
I reprogrammed Kaytoo because Draven saw my last few near-fatalities in the field as suicidal and suspended me until I took a partner. I didn't want another organic because we're too unpredictable. I never tried to fix the side effect of the reprogram because I like that he's unfiltered and direct. Contrasts with all the lies in the rest of what I do. But I'd never paid attention to Droids Rights before; I hadn't thought through what I was doing. If I had the right. To do that to him. Since I didn't give him the choice to be loyal to me, I've just tried to be worthy of it.
I spent a year undercover as an aide to an Imperial grand admiral. I lived on Coruscant with him and his family. His wife blackmailed me into being her lover. I loved their kids so much. I left without saying goodbye or ever trying to tell them anything but what they were learning. I still think I should have tried even if it got me killed.
I didn't remember anything about my mother until I was twenty-four. I still don't really remember, I just found out. She and her colony had been firebombed by the Republic. My father pulled me out and took me with him to Carida Academy. He was training to be a Republic [proto-Imperial] officer.
[Pfassking, fedding…
Dams don't burst selectively. For years, if Cassian shared anything with anyone, it took deliberation. Secrecy and suppression had become so second-nature. But now, with Jyn, he couldn't withhold this after all.]
When I disobeyed my order to assassinate your father. I wish I'd made that choice because I saw you were right. Saw what was happening on that platform and realized Draven's theories didn't account for it, but yours did. Which is true. But isn't why. I disobeyed because you and he had the same eyes. I looked at him and only saw you.
[…Okay.
That was it. None of the assassinations—let's be real: murders—or other lies… but really, she knew that already. He'd told her when he'd been her enemy, how often he'd skated those margins, and why… she probably wouldn't want to be… around him.
His hands were closed around the blanket, either side of his knees. He released it, but didn't look up.]
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cw: past dubcon, headcanon up the whazzoo, and some stuff based on the novelization
Date: 2019-06-27 04:47 pm (UTC)Closed it again.
Wait. Think. What was he doing, exactly…? Seeking her forgiveness? For the things he'd done, it wasn't hers to give, and unfair to put on her. Seeking her comfort? Again, that was for his sake, not hers, not theirs. This shouldn't be about putting his burdens onto her. What exactly did he want to tell her, and, more importantly, why? Somehow, he hadn't already planned it out, assessed and chosen.
So do it now. Quickly. The things that flashed into his mind, he seized and rifled through like a deck of cards.
Tivik. She wouldn't be surprised, knowing his work; and would probably understand, knowing war.
Galen. They'd already had that confrontation, did he really need to bring that all up for her again, uninvited, now? If she ever wanted more, he would give it at once, but that should be up to her, not him.
The CIS. He'd been far from the only dupe, there. There were thousands upon thousands of them. He'd been a child soldier. So had she. They'd been on opposite sides of that war, but had they really chosen them, or been chosen by them? …Well, that one was worth mentioning, because he didn't need anything from her, over it. He just wanted her to know. Knowing from her record, as he did, where she'd been born, and that she and him would have been enemies.]
I was a Separatist, from when I was six—when my father was killed—until I was fifteen—when Draven recruited me. If I'd known then what I know now, I probably would have defected. But I didn't, so I was.
[Xilo. Okay, why on Hoth…?]
My first girlfriend was in Alliance Intelligence. She betrayed us. She died. She'd been pregnant. I fought Draven until he approved a sterilization surgery for me so that could never happen again. Especially because I became a spy and started having to sleep with people for the work. She was the only person I've ever slept with because I chose to. Every other time, it's been for a mission.
[So much for measured assessment.
Well, that's as grotesque [to himself] as it got. You're committed now.]
I reprogrammed Kaytoo because Draven saw my last few near-fatalities in the field as suicidal and suspended me until I took a partner. I didn't want another organic because we're too unpredictable. I never tried to fix the side effect of the reprogram because I like that he's unfiltered and direct. Contrasts with all the lies in the rest of what I do. But I'd never paid attention to Droids Rights before; I hadn't thought through what I was doing. If I had the right. To do that to him. Since I didn't give him the choice to be loyal to me, I've just tried to be worthy of it.
I spent a year undercover as an aide to an Imperial grand admiral. I lived on Coruscant with him and his family. His wife blackmailed me into being her lover. I loved their kids so much. I left without saying goodbye or ever trying to tell them anything but what they were learning. I still think I should have tried even if it got me killed.
I didn't remember anything about my mother until I was twenty-four. I still don't really remember, I just found out. She and her colony had been firebombed by the Republic. My father pulled me out and took me with him to Carida Academy. He was training to be a Republic [proto-Imperial] officer.
[Pfassking, fedding…
Dams don't burst selectively. For years, if Cassian shared anything with anyone, it took deliberation. Secrecy and suppression had become so second-nature. But now, with Jyn, he couldn't withhold this after all.]
When I disobeyed my order to assassinate your father. I wish I'd made that choice because I saw you were right. Saw what was happening on that platform and realized Draven's theories didn't account for it, but yours did. Which is true. But isn't why. I disobeyed because you and he had the same eyes. I looked at him and only saw you.
[…Okay.
That was it. None of the assassinations—let's be real: murders—or other lies… but really, she knew that already. He'd told her when he'd been her enemy, how often he'd skated those margins, and why… she probably wouldn't want to be… around him.
His hands were closed around the blanket, either side of his knees. He released it, but didn't look up.]
I… understand if… we say goodnight now.