[Jyn didn't want to have to revisit memories she had hidden away as far as possible from the light of day. But if Cassian could find the strength to share such painful truths with her, well, the least she could do was dig deep down to the same.
And she was reassured by the simple pleasure of the touch of his hand and the way he didn't even hesitate to tangle their fingers together, to allow her to hold onto him like he was her tether to the here and now, a reminder that even if reliving those memories hurt her, she wasn't alone.]
I barely remember what home is supposed to feel like. I lost any sense of safety I had - any sense of innocence - when that man took away my mother and my father and left me all alone. For everything Saw Gerrera did for me, being a parent and helping me grieve was not one of them.
I learned how to harden my heart and how to protect myself, how to fight, how to inflict maximum damage, but not how to heal. And I ... still hurt, Cassian. I'm still incomprehensively angry and sad and I don't know what to do with any of it.
[She sighed heavily, ducking her head and taking solace in the feel of his palm to hers, his fingers intertwined with hers.]
I tried to look out for the littlest ones, the ones who couldn't take care of themselves, like me, the ones who had lost parents or entire families and had nowhere else to go, no one else to look after them. Sometimes, they disappeared and never returned. And I - I tried to convince myself that perhaps they had been found and whisked away to a better life even though I ... I knew better.
But watching them lose their lives was worse. When you're helpless to save them, when there's nothing you can do -
[A sob wrenched its way from her throat and Jyn unconsciously squeezed Cassian's han a little tighter in response as she fought to regain her lost composure.]
I don't know that I was ever in love, but there was someone that I cared deeply about when I was still almost a child. We were fleeing from the 'troopers when he was shot through the heart. I was barely grazed, but I lost my balance and I took a fall from a roof. When I woke up, I was informed that it had resulted in the loss of a pregnancy I hadn't even known about.
The next time that I found myself ... expecting ... I decided to terminate. I wasn't with the father - it had been a short-term thing, and although I wanted to keep it ... it seemed selfish, bringing a life into such a hard, cruel world. Afterward, I asked for an implant so it wouldn't happen again, but ... Force only knows what else those back-alley medics might have done. I could find out, I suppose, but I'm ... scared. My health report is clean, thankfully, but I ... I can't bring myself to ask the details.
I wasn't only good at forging scandocs and moving from place to place. I needed credits, too, and - I was good at grifting or outright theft, if need be, but sometimes ... well, I know how to use what I want in order to get what I need. I'm not proud of it, but ... when it comes down to it, I know how to survive, even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give.
[And none of that was even taking into account the things that she had done while with the Partisans - the missions she had been a part of, those she had wounded or killed, and all in service of the greater good.
How could she even begin to explain how sick it made her feel to think of acceptable risks when it came to civilian casualties?
Jyn dared to glance at Cassian then, to try to gauge his expression, what he might be thinking or feeling, how he might be seeing her through brand new eyes now.]
I loved my father, but I hated him, too. I didn't know how I was going to feel when I saw him again, but when I did, it was only the years of loss and loneliness I had felt without him. It wasn't you that I blamed for his death, but I - it's still devastating that he was taken before I ever had a chance to tell him that I still loved him.
[The tears she'd been holding at bay finally broke through her last defenses, first one sliding soundlessly down her cheek, then another, and another.]
I was ready to die on that beach. I ... had done what I set out to do, we had lost so many already, and it was out of my hands. I had you, and I was ... content. I was ready to go, Cassian.
allllllll headcanon since my sw knowledge is uhhhhh 0%
And she was reassured by the simple pleasure of the touch of his hand and the way he didn't even hesitate to tangle their fingers together, to allow her to hold onto him like he was her tether to the here and now, a reminder that even if reliving those memories hurt her, she wasn't alone.]
I barely remember what home is supposed to feel like. I lost any sense of safety I had - any sense of innocence - when that man took away my mother and my father and left me all alone. For everything Saw Gerrera did for me, being a parent and helping me grieve was not one of them.
I learned how to harden my heart and how to protect myself, how to fight, how to inflict maximum damage, but not how to heal. And I ... still hurt, Cassian. I'm still incomprehensively angry and sad and I don't know what to do with any of it.
[She sighed heavily, ducking her head and taking solace in the feel of his palm to hers, his fingers intertwined with hers.]
I tried to look out for the littlest ones, the ones who couldn't take care of themselves, like me, the ones who had lost parents or entire families and had nowhere else to go, no one else to look after them. Sometimes, they disappeared and never returned. And I - I tried to convince myself that perhaps they had been found and whisked away to a better life even though I ... I knew better.
But watching them lose their lives was worse. When you're helpless to save them, when there's nothing you can do -
[A sob wrenched its way from her throat and Jyn unconsciously squeezed Cassian's han a little tighter in response as she fought to regain her lost composure.]
I don't know that I was ever in love, but there was someone that I cared deeply about when I was still almost a child. We were fleeing from the 'troopers when he was shot through the heart. I was barely grazed, but I lost my balance and I took a fall from a roof. When I woke up, I was informed that it had resulted in the loss of a pregnancy I hadn't even known about.
The next time that I found myself ... expecting ... I decided to terminate. I wasn't with the father - it had been a short-term thing, and although I wanted to keep it ... it seemed selfish, bringing a life into such a hard, cruel world. Afterward, I asked for an implant so it wouldn't happen again, but ... Force only knows what else those back-alley medics might have done. I could find out, I suppose, but I'm ... scared. My health report is clean, thankfully, but I ... I can't bring myself to ask the details.
I wasn't only good at forging scandocs and moving from place to place. I needed credits, too, and - I was good at grifting or outright theft, if need be, but sometimes ... well, I know how to use what I want in order to get what I need. I'm not proud of it, but ... when it comes down to it, I know how to survive, even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give.
[And none of that was even taking into account the things that she had done while with the Partisans - the missions she had been a part of, those she had wounded or killed, and all in service of the greater good.
How could she even begin to explain how sick it made her feel to think of acceptable risks when it came to civilian casualties?
Jyn dared to glance at Cassian then, to try to gauge his expression, what he might be thinking or feeling, how he might be seeing her through brand new eyes now.]
I loved my father, but I hated him, too. I didn't know how I was going to feel when I saw him again, but when I did, it was only the years of loss and loneliness I had felt without him. It wasn't you that I blamed for his death, but I - it's still devastating that he was taken before I ever had a chance to tell him that I still loved him.
[The tears she'd been holding at bay finally broke through her last defenses, first one sliding soundlessly down her cheek, then another, and another.]
I was ready to die on that beach. I ... had done what I set out to do, we had lost so many already, and it was out of my hands. I had you, and I was ... content. I was ready to go, Cassian.
And now ...
Here we are.