[He was fastidious in waiting to follow her lead—but at every step, the moment she initiated any touch, he reciprocated without hesitation; until they lay closely pressed, his arms back around her.
Maybe she would get, from what he'd shared—never slept with anyone without it being for a mission, meaning it was always lies, manipulations, and imagining himself away—that he would be careful to the point of paranoia not to push anything with Jyn—at least partly because he wasn't sure he'd be able to trust anything that came first from himself. It also meant: he needed explicit communication/consent at every phase. Whether or not it went to that possibility or not.]
[Jyn was not unaware of the moment that Cassian let her take the lead and decide how it was that they were going to lay, how close they were going to get, what was an acceptable level of contact.
She was very well aware of the implications of Cassian's admittance. She didn't want to do anything that he wasn't comfortable with, and so, after every movement she made, she paused and waited to see if he had any objections. But he didn't, and after a time, wrapped up together, Jyn finally allowed herself to rest, a little at a time.]
Like this, yes. The littler ones would have nightmares sometimes, cry at night, and I'd ... try to give them some comfort. But I've never shared a bed with someone I - someone I care about before.
[This was about them, and Cassian's feelings were just as valid as Jyn's.
For a long, quiet moment, she simply held him a little tighter, as clear a physical reminder that she could give that she was there, and that there was nowhere else she wanted to be.
With Cassian.]
I have been with you - every moment that I've been allowed, and even some that I've had to fight for.
If I didn't care, Cassian, if I ... didn't feel the same, I wouldn't be here right now.
I know. I knew you were there before I woke up. It helped so much.
…I know that, too. I trust you.
It's me I don't always trust. Wanting…
[…anything, really. So used to equating wanting with being compromised. Not just concerning judgement, but perception.]
I'm so glad… you're here with me. I don't just mean in this room… I mean… I think—wanting similar things. The same way.
[…a conversation they should probably have in full, in case… but right now had already leaped so many more hurdles, gotten so far, than he would have dared to hope, and he'd be perfectly comfortable leaving it there for now and just relaxing.]
They told me that maybe it would help if I talked to you, so I did. I told you the same stories Papa used to tell me at bedtime when I was a little girl. I - I didn't know if it helped, if you even heard me, but I wanted to help in whatever way I could.
[The arm curled around his middle squeezed gently, an offering of understanding and reassurance. They had already shared so much with each other that although Jyn wanted to continue the conversation, she almost wondered if it would be best to save it for another time, at least after they'd gotten a rest and recovered from their shared emotional exhaustion.]
I'm with you, Cassian - [She murmured, curling up all the closer still] all the way.
[However you want me. As long as possible. I am here.]
I had at least one dream that I couldn't tell where it came from—nothing in my life that I could remember… something about an Octave Stairway?
[Yeah… words, voice, were starting to be too difficult… but connection wasn't. He felt the understanding flowing between them like others (Chirrut) had described the Force… not a substitute for explicit communication, if they were to venture into unknown territory; but what they'd established here, right now, in the last half hour, was so much, so deep, so unprecedented and precious, more than enough to sink into and just enjoy as an end in itself, for a while. His arms tightened around her in response, signaling he felt he gesture and welcomed it; and the fingers the hand still cradling her head traced meaningless glyphs in her hair.
He murmured softly back, unfiltered and unguarded,]
And I'm yours. However much you want. All the way.
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no subject
Maybe she would get, from what he'd shared—never slept with anyone without it being for a mission, meaning it was always lies, manipulations, and imagining himself away—that he would be careful to the point of paranoia not to push anything with Jyn—at least partly because he wasn't sure he'd be able to trust anything that came first from himself. It also meant: he needed explicit communication/consent at every phase. Whether or not it went to that possibility or not.]
Done what? …Share a bed with someone?
no subject
She was very well aware of the implications of Cassian's admittance. She didn't want to do anything that he wasn't comfortable with, and so, after every movement she made, she paused and waited to see if he had any objections. But he didn't, and after a time, wrapped up together, Jyn finally allowed herself to rest, a little at a time.]
Like this, yes. The littler ones would have nightmares sometimes, cry at night, and I'd ... try to give them some comfort. But I've never shared a bed with someone I - someone I care about before.
no subject
It started again, far too hard, louder than breath
Which was quite a feat considering his breathing was… If he'd been able to cry, it might have been his turn, then.
He was mostly glad he wasn't, because how dare he make this about him, possibly overload the moment for her…
At the same time… how to articulate the worlds that meant… that she'd say it, that she'd say it first…]
I didn't want to presume anything. Not from a moment that was supposed to be an ending, not a beginning.
But this is all I've wanted to do since Scarif. Be with you.
no subject
For a long, quiet moment, she simply held him a little tighter, as clear a physical reminder that she could give that she was there, and that there was nowhere else she wanted to be.
With Cassian.]
I have been with you - every moment that I've been allowed, and even some that I've had to fight for.
If I didn't care, Cassian, if I ... didn't feel the same, I wouldn't be here right now.
no subject
…I know that, too. I trust you.
It's me I don't always trust. Wanting…
[…anything, really. So used to equating wanting with being compromised. Not just concerning judgement, but perception.]
I'm so glad… you're here with me. I don't just mean in this room… I mean… I think—wanting similar things. The same way.
[…a conversation they should probably have in full, in case… but right now had already leaped so many more hurdles, gotten so far, than he would have dared to hope, and he'd be perfectly comfortable leaving it there for now and just relaxing.]
no subject
[The arm curled around his middle squeezed gently, an offering of understanding and reassurance. They had already shared so much with each other that although Jyn wanted to continue the conversation, she almost wondered if it would be best to save it for another time, at least after they'd gotten a rest and recovered from their shared emotional exhaustion.]
I'm with you, Cassian - [She murmured, curling up all the closer still] all the way.
[However you want me. As long as possible. I am here.]
no subject
[Yeah… words, voice, were starting to be too difficult… but connection wasn't. He felt the understanding flowing between them like others (Chirrut) had described the Force… not a substitute for explicit communication, if they were to venture into unknown territory; but what they'd established here, right now, in the last half hour, was so much, so deep, so unprecedented and precious, more than enough to sink into and just enjoy as an end in itself, for a while. His arms tightened around her in response, signaling he felt he gesture and welcomed it; and the fingers the hand still cradling her head traced meaningless glyphs in her hair.
He murmured softly back, unfiltered and unguarded,]
And I'm yours. However much you want. All the way.