[Maybe kindred souls really did recognize each other. They might have been on opposite sides then, but here they were now, and Jyn was taking a great measure of comfort in simply being close.
Her sniffles shifted into a watery little laugh, and although she didn't have enough strength to pull away, not just yet, she loosened her grip to allow the hint of an exploration as she let her fingertips brush through the hair at the back of his neck.]
You're going to hurt your back if we stay like this for much longer. Can we ... lie down? Just for a little while! I'm not - I'm not ready to leave yet.
[He bowed his head at the sensation, touching his forehead to her shoulder. And exhaled a laugh. (That, somewhere, made several of his colleagues faint.)]
Yes. Stay as long as you like. …I don't want you to leave either.
[He suspected he was blushing as he sat back from her. —only to lever himself upright enough to sit again on the mattress. And moved back, to the half against the wall, leaving the other half for her. …Leaving his arm, also, hesitantly outstretched, for her to put her head on.]
[It was a beautiful noise - Cassian's laugh, and Jyn's heart thumped painfully in her chest to hear it. And maybe the hope that she would hear it again began to take root.
She wanted to tell him that she would stay as long as he wanted her, but instead, she struggled to swallow the lump in her throat down. Cassian was being so kind to her, so gentle with her, and she wasn't accustomed to any of it.
(She wanted to be.
Jyn took a breath and soon followed his lead, careful as she moved from chair to mattress, even more so as she tried to arrange herself into a position that was as comfortable for them both as possible, all the while trying to maintain as much contact as possible.
For warmth. For comfort. For all that and so much more that as of yet, she hadn't even discovered.]
[He was fastidious in waiting to follow her lead—but at every step, the moment she initiated any touch, he reciprocated without hesitation; until they lay closely pressed, his arms back around her.
Maybe she would get, from what he'd shared—never slept with anyone without it being for a mission, meaning it was always lies, manipulations, and imagining himself away—that he would be careful to the point of paranoia not to push anything with Jyn—at least partly because he wasn't sure he'd be able to trust anything that came first from himself. It also meant: he needed explicit communication/consent at every phase. Whether or not it went to that possibility or not.]
[Jyn was not unaware of the moment that Cassian let her take the lead and decide how it was that they were going to lay, how close they were going to get, what was an acceptable level of contact.
She was very well aware of the implications of Cassian's admittance. She didn't want to do anything that he wasn't comfortable with, and so, after every movement she made, she paused and waited to see if he had any objections. But he didn't, and after a time, wrapped up together, Jyn finally allowed herself to rest, a little at a time.]
Like this, yes. The littler ones would have nightmares sometimes, cry at night, and I'd ... try to give them some comfort. But I've never shared a bed with someone I - someone I care about before.
[This was about them, and Cassian's feelings were just as valid as Jyn's.
For a long, quiet moment, she simply held him a little tighter, as clear a physical reminder that she could give that she was there, and that there was nowhere else she wanted to be.
With Cassian.]
I have been with you - every moment that I've been allowed, and even some that I've had to fight for.
If I didn't care, Cassian, if I ... didn't feel the same, I wouldn't be here right now.
I know. I knew you were there before I woke up. It helped so much.
…I know that, too. I trust you.
It's me I don't always trust. Wanting…
[…anything, really. So used to equating wanting with being compromised. Not just concerning judgement, but perception.]
I'm so glad… you're here with me. I don't just mean in this room… I mean… I think—wanting similar things. The same way.
[…a conversation they should probably have in full, in case… but right now had already leaped so many more hurdles, gotten so far, than he would have dared to hope, and he'd be perfectly comfortable leaving it there for now and just relaxing.]
They told me that maybe it would help if I talked to you, so I did. I told you the same stories Papa used to tell me at bedtime when I was a little girl. I - I didn't know if it helped, if you even heard me, but I wanted to help in whatever way I could.
[The arm curled around his middle squeezed gently, an offering of understanding and reassurance. They had already shared so much with each other that although Jyn wanted to continue the conversation, she almost wondered if it would be best to save it for another time, at least after they'd gotten a rest and recovered from their shared emotional exhaustion.]
I'm with you, Cassian - [She murmured, curling up all the closer still] all the way.
[However you want me. As long as possible. I am here.]
I had at least one dream that I couldn't tell where it came from—nothing in my life that I could remember… something about an Octave Stairway?
[Yeah… words, voice, were starting to be too difficult… but connection wasn't. He felt the understanding flowing between them like others (Chirrut) had described the Force… not a substitute for explicit communication, if they were to venture into unknown territory; but what they'd established here, right now, in the last half hour, was so much, so deep, so unprecedented and precious, more than enough to sink into and just enjoy as an end in itself, for a while. His arms tightened around her in response, signaling he felt he gesture and welcomed it; and the fingers the hand still cradling her head traced meaningless glyphs in her hair.
He murmured softly back, unfiltered and unguarded,]
And I'm yours. However much you want. All the way.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 06:16 am (UTC)Her sniffles shifted into a watery little laugh, and although she didn't have enough strength to pull away, not just yet, she loosened her grip to allow the hint of an exploration as she let her fingertips brush through the hair at the back of his neck.]
You're going to hurt your back if we stay like this for much longer. Can we ... lie down? Just for a little while! I'm not - I'm not ready to leave yet.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 11:36 am (UTC)Yes. Stay as long as you like. …I don't want you to leave either.
[He suspected he was blushing as he sat back from her. —only to lever himself upright enough to sit again on the mattress. And moved back, to the half against the wall, leaving the other half for her. …Leaving his arm, also, hesitantly outstretched, for her to put her head on.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 03:59 pm (UTC)She wanted to tell him that she would stay as long as he wanted her, but instead, she struggled to swallow the lump in her throat down. Cassian was being so kind to her, so gentle with her, and she wasn't accustomed to any of it.
(She wanted to be.
Jyn took a breath and soon followed his lead, careful as she moved from chair to mattress, even more so as she tried to arrange herself into a position that was as comfortable for them both as possible, all the while trying to maintain as much contact as possible.
For warmth. For comfort. For all that and so much more that as of yet, she hadn't even discovered.]
I've never done this before.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 11:41 pm (UTC)Maybe she would get, from what he'd shared—never slept with anyone without it being for a mission, meaning it was always lies, manipulations, and imagining himself away—that he would be careful to the point of paranoia not to push anything with Jyn—at least partly because he wasn't sure he'd be able to trust anything that came first from himself. It also meant: he needed explicit communication/consent at every phase. Whether or not it went to that possibility or not.]
Done what? …Share a bed with someone?
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 01:49 am (UTC)She was very well aware of the implications of Cassian's admittance. She didn't want to do anything that he wasn't comfortable with, and so, after every movement she made, she paused and waited to see if he had any objections. But he didn't, and after a time, wrapped up together, Jyn finally allowed herself to rest, a little at a time.]
Like this, yes. The littler ones would have nightmares sometimes, cry at night, and I'd ... try to give them some comfort. But I've never shared a bed with someone I - someone I care about before.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 05:28 am (UTC)It started again, far too hard, louder than breath
Which was quite a feat considering his breathing was… If he'd been able to cry, it might have been his turn, then.
He was mostly glad he wasn't, because how dare he make this about him, possibly overload the moment for her…
At the same time… how to articulate the worlds that meant… that she'd say it, that she'd say it first…]
I didn't want to presume anything. Not from a moment that was supposed to be an ending, not a beginning.
But this is all I've wanted to do since Scarif. Be with you.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 05:59 am (UTC)For a long, quiet moment, she simply held him a little tighter, as clear a physical reminder that she could give that she was there, and that there was nowhere else she wanted to be.
With Cassian.]
I have been with you - every moment that I've been allowed, and even some that I've had to fight for.
If I didn't care, Cassian, if I ... didn't feel the same, I wouldn't be here right now.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 06:22 am (UTC)…I know that, too. I trust you.
It's me I don't always trust. Wanting…
[…anything, really. So used to equating wanting with being compromised. Not just concerning judgement, but perception.]
I'm so glad… you're here with me. I don't just mean in this room… I mean… I think—wanting similar things. The same way.
[…a conversation they should probably have in full, in case… but right now had already leaped so many more hurdles, gotten so far, than he would have dared to hope, and he'd be perfectly comfortable leaving it there for now and just relaxing.]
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 07:36 am (UTC)[The arm curled around his middle squeezed gently, an offering of understanding and reassurance. They had already shared so much with each other that although Jyn wanted to continue the conversation, she almost wondered if it would be best to save it for another time, at least after they'd gotten a rest and recovered from their shared emotional exhaustion.]
I'm with you, Cassian - [She murmured, curling up all the closer still] all the way.
[However you want me. As long as possible. I am here.]
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 07:50 am (UTC)[Yeah… words, voice, were starting to be too difficult… but connection wasn't. He felt the understanding flowing between them like others (Chirrut) had described the Force… not a substitute for explicit communication, if they were to venture into unknown territory; but what they'd established here, right now, in the last half hour, was so much, so deep, so unprecedented and precious, more than enough to sink into and just enjoy as an end in itself, for a while. His arms tightened around her in response, signaling he felt he gesture and welcomed it; and the fingers the hand still cradling her head traced meaningless glyphs in her hair.
He murmured softly back, unfiltered and unguarded,]
And I'm yours. However much you want. All the way.