Mmhm. No problems here. [Jyn's gaze flickered to the table, where Cassian's fingers were resting close enough for her to reach out and touch. And how she wanted to graze his hand with hers, just the softest reassurance that she was so glad that he'd decided to take her up on her offer to come out for a bit.] No - [She began, her lips quirking up just so] Just you.
[A quirk of a smile back, before delivering utterly deadpan:] Of course. 'Cause I'm a barrel of laughs.
[His eyes lowered to their hands as well; one of his fingers curled a bit on the tabletop—as if wanting to touch hers, too.] People like you, you know. I'm not sure you know that.
[Jyn rolled her eyes, but there was no particular heat behind the gesture. Surely Cassian knew that he didn't have to be anything other than he was for her to like him, want to spend time with him, get to know him better.] Yeah, well, neither am I.
[She chuckled softly, shrugging her shoulders, glancing down at Cassian's hand again, wondering if it would be too much to just reach out, just touch, just share some sort of hint that she was happy he'd come out, that he was with her.] Mm. I don't think I'm particularly likeable. I'll have to trust you about that.
[Especially in the ways in which she didn't fit in and didn't compromise to appease others and was impatient with or indifferent to so many of the usual things… she was stubborn and irreverent and anarchic and unpredictable and provocative and perfectly amazing. And he wasn't the only one who saw it; was drawn to and refreshed by and respected it.]
…I mean, for one thing, you're a war hero.
[He winced as soon as the words left his mouth. They both knew war too well to find that entirely positive.]
[At least somebody could appreciate Jyn for all that she was without condemning her for everything that she wasn't. All the better that that person was Cassian.
But then he mentioned the words war hero, and it was probably pretty immediate that that was not the right thing to say. Her expression hardened and she pulled her hand away, just on the verge of pulling all the way back into herself.]
I'm no hero. To be quite honest, Cassian, I pity anyone who thinks that of me ... or ... thinks that I'd be impressed that they thought it of me.
[He wasn't sure how to walk back from what he'd said. Now that he'd brought it up, it felt wrong to just take it back, because the fact was, objectively, she was. Such things weren't up to the person they were about, they were up to everyone else. At the same time, he definitely agreed he shouldn't have brought it up. Could he say both?]
Sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. …Even though, you actually are. Think about it: so is K-2.
[The best thing would be to move on to another topic of conversation entirely, and even then, Jyn couldn't guarantee that her newfound bad mood would improve. But of course, things could never be that easy, could they?]
For being as observant as you are, you aren't really understanding that I don't want to talk about this.
[Don't get upset. This clearly wasn't meant to instigate or bring up painful memories that were still so very close to the surface. Innocent mistake, that was all.]
This is not why I invited you out tonight. So if you'd please talk about something else, anything else - !
[Why did you invite me? was a terrible move. A mean one. It turned the burden of direction and revelation onto her, when he was the one who needed to atone right now.
Self-abasement, then.]
So… until recently, I was doing a pretty good job not having many know who I was. Now a lot of people seem to. And I've got people like Kes Dameron and Shara Bey telling me my eating habits are the worst and threatening to teach me how to cook. I don't know what to do about it.
[Jyn wouldn't have been surprised if Cassian had elected not to stay. She'd shifted gears from warm and congenial to short and obstinate in the course of a few sentences, and that's - that's not the person she wanted to be.
But ... she also couldn't sit back and gratefully accept being called a hero when the very thought of the word applying to her and all the things she'd done made Jyn feel sick to her stomach.
So - what?
Jyn chanced a glance at Cassian as he steered the conversation elsewhere, finally allowing a soft, amused puff of breath to escape her lips.] You should accept. Couldn't hurt. You are a little skinny.
[Or worse for wear. They both were. So the sentiment could easily be turned right back on Jyn.]
[Clearly, Cassian wasn't the only one who brought the heavy thoughts. This was supposed to be light and easy, a chance to get away from all the uncertainty head, the loss and pain still weighing down every breath.
Birds of a feather ... ]
I have not had dinner. You offering?
[She nodded then, completely understanding Cassian's meaning. She'd spent a lifetime fending for herself, same as he had. She knew lean times. She knew desperate moments that called for desperate measures.
She knew.]
I know. I don't normally indulge like this.
[But she did sometimes - not often - allow herself to mourn.]
[You offering?] Yeah, I am. [His smile turned into an outright grin. He pushed himself clear of the mess table to cross to and lever himself over the counter to the food prep area. If the ingredients were there… ah, yes:] There's one thing I know how to make. Haven't taken the opportunity in a while. If you don't mind it taking a few minutes…?
[I don't normally indulge like this.] I know. It's nice, right now, that you can. That you trust us enough.
[Jyn hadn't really been expecting Cassian to answer in the affirmative, but he did, and she managed a laugh as she watched him get up and lean into the food prep area, curious to find out just what he thought he was doing.] I don't mind, so please do.
[She'd said it before, but maybe it was worth saying again - ] I - I'm glad you're here with me, too.
[A moment of stillness as he paused what he was doing to look up at her, almost shyly, and smile. He was glad, too.
But he quickly got back to work. In not very long, he came back out with a plateful of something lightly fried that smelled wonderful, and slid it halfway across the table to her as he slid back onto a seat.] I was told this is traditional on my father's homeworld. Though I've never been there and he's not the one who taught me, so who knows?
[ooc: It's Diego Luna's fault for joking about Cassian making great chilaquiles.]
[Jyn sat and waited patiently and tried not to get lost in her own thoughts, because inevitably, they would bring her down all over again. And thankfully, sooner rather than later, Cassian arrived with food in hand.
And it looked good and smelled good and her stomach rumbled accordingly. Still, she didn't yet take a bite, listening to Cassian tell the story of what the dish was.] It's in your blood. Well, come on, take a bite with me.
[He breathed out and grinned and obeyed. It hadn't turned out perfect, but pretty good. He made a sound of remembering and stood again to grab them drinks, opening the bottles on the edge of the table as he returned to it.] Kes Dameron taught me. He does it better. Have you met him?
[Cassian's grin took Jyn's breath away. She had to force herself to look away and down in order to quell the sudden flipping of her heart. But she thought she was back to herself once again as Cassian returned to his seat, drinks in hand, and she shook her head in response to his query.] By reputation only. I've never had opportunity to meet him properly.
Maybe I need to branch out and meet new people. [She mused, taking another sip after the tap] I don't know - try to make friends. If I'm going to stay, I'll need people I can ... trust.
Obviously, I'm all for that, but I'm not exactly objective. So I can help but I'll wait to be invited.
[He took another bite as well, giving them both some room. There was definitely something to be said for sharing a meal—something he could never do with Kaytoo even when Cassian did feed himself properly. It helped even silences be companionable. Of course, that hadn't really been a problem for him with Jyn. The general, profound sense of understanding between them helped that, too.
He still felt it somewhat his job to keep up conversation, and keep it light, so he said,] What kind of food do you like best?
[Jyn's expression narrowed into something incredulous. Before taking another bite, she felt it important to say - ] This isn't some mission, Cassian. Of course you're invited. I'd - I'd appreciate the help.
[She shook her head and focused her attention back on her plate, wishing she had the right words with which to say that she always wanted Cassian around. Maybe she was too afraid to say it outright, too afraid to push him away if she seemed too needy, too clingy.
It was so hard, trying to navigate whatever strange place they currently inhabited with each other, but she was trying. That had to count for something - that she wasn't trying to run away.
His question, though, anchored her back to the moment, even made her chuckle in her surprise.] Haven't really given it much thought. [She was far more accustomed to eat to survive, not to enjoy, which she was sure he understood, as well.] I do like sweet rolls, though.
[was it possible to say the next word without it being a plea?]
…stay.
You know. With the Alliance.
[With me.
Was there a difference? There hadn't been for so long. But… could there be…? If she didn't want to stay with the Alliance… but invited him to go with her…?
Shut it. She'd just said… I mean. C'mon. Jyn Erso wasn't someone who'd compromise herself to tell him what he wanted to hear. So listen to what she actually said. Trust her enough not to second-guess.
He tried to come up with a more flippant follow-up, but everything he would mean to be self-deprecating—not being so social himself; get ready to be teased for hanging out with the two droids, Kaytoo and Cassian—could too easily make it seem like a chore—like he did consider it some mission. Which of course he didn't one bit.
He gladly went with her smile and returned it.] Those are good. Best part of any bulk-up regimen. [Usually for an undercover assignment on a Core world where he wasn't supposed to look underfed. …Dammit, 'Man, can't you think of any casual conversation?]
[Hadn't she made it clear that she had no intention of running? If Jyn had felt the slightest inclination, she would have already put distance between herself and the Alliance.
But she was still here and asking for Cassian's assistance with making friends, and for a woman who was far more accustomed to being on her own, trying to make a living while on the run, that was huge -
An admission that maybe she needed more.
It wasn't pressure that she was currently facing. It was uncertainty.
Haltingly, she asked - ]
You had said 'welcome home' …
And I just thought - I had wondered …
Does it still stand?
[Or had she made up what she thought had been growing between them? Was she looking for signs of something that no longer existed? Before her mask slipped and exposed all the thoughts she was thinking, Jyn looked back down at her plate, took another bite, tried to pull herself back under control.
But when she glanced back up and took in the sight of Cassian sitting across from her, really observed him with a sharp eye, she was sure that momentarily, her thought process was crystal clear -
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2019-08-04 04:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-06 04:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-07 12:52 am (UTC)[His eyes lowered to their hands as well; one of his fingers curled a bit on the tabletop—as if wanting to touch hers, too.] People like you, you know. I'm not sure you know that.
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Date: 2019-08-08 02:53 am (UTC)[She chuckled softly, shrugging her shoulders, glancing down at Cassian's hand again, wondering if it would be too much to just reach out, just touch, just share some sort of hint that she was happy he'd come out, that he was with her.] Mm. I don't think I'm particularly likeable. I'll have to trust you about that.
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Date: 2019-08-09 02:40 am (UTC)[Especially in the ways in which she didn't fit in and didn't compromise to appease others and was impatient with or indifferent to so many of the usual things… she was stubborn and irreverent and anarchic and unpredictable and provocative and perfectly amazing. And he wasn't the only one who saw it; was drawn to and refreshed by and respected it.]
…I mean, for one thing, you're a war hero.
[He winced as soon as the words left his mouth. They both knew war too well to find that entirely positive.]
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Date: 2019-08-10 06:34 am (UTC)But then he mentioned the words war hero, and it was probably pretty immediate that that was not the right thing to say. Her expression hardened and she pulled her hand away, just on the verge of pulling all the way back into herself.]
I'm no hero. To be quite honest, Cassian, I pity anyone who thinks that of me ... or ... thinks that I'd be impressed that they thought it of me.
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Date: 2019-08-11 08:23 pm (UTC)Sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. …Even though, you actually are. Think about it: so is K-2.
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Date: 2019-08-12 02:45 am (UTC)For being as observant as you are, you aren't really understanding that I don't want to talk about this.
[Don't get upset. This clearly wasn't meant to instigate or bring up painful memories that were still so very close to the surface. Innocent mistake, that was all.]
This is not why I invited you out tonight. So if you'd please talk about something else, anything else - !
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Date: 2019-08-14 02:22 am (UTC)[Why did you invite me? was a terrible move. A mean one. It turned the burden of direction and revelation onto her, when he was the one who needed to atone right now.
Self-abasement, then.]
So… until recently, I was doing a pretty good job not having many know who I was. Now a lot of people seem to. And I've got people like Kes Dameron and Shara Bey telling me my eating habits are the worst and threatening to teach me how to cook. I don't know what to do about it.
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Date: 2019-08-18 09:52 pm (UTC)But ... she also couldn't sit back and gratefully accept being called a hero when the very thought of the word applying to her and all the things she'd done made Jyn feel sick to her stomach.
So - what?
Jyn chanced a glance at Cassian as he steered the conversation elsewhere, finally allowing a soft, amused puff of breath to escape her lips.] You should accept. Couldn't hurt. You are a little skinny.
[Or worse for wear. They both were. So the sentiment could easily be turned right back on Jyn.]
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Date: 2019-08-19 06:09 am (UTC)Says the woman drinking without food. Have you had dinner?
Hard to change tracks. You know. Life on the Rim.
[And as a child soldier.]
The Alliance doesn't always have a lot to go around. We're in a good spell, right now.
[Despite having lost Bail Organa.
Ugh. This might be another reason Cassian didn't go out drinking much; he always brought the heavy thoughts.]
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Date: 2019-08-20 02:58 am (UTC)Birds of a feather ... ]
I have not had dinner. You offering?
[She nodded then, completely understanding Cassian's meaning. She'd spent a lifetime fending for herself, same as he had. She knew lean times. She knew desperate moments that called for desperate measures.
She knew.]
I know. I don't normally indulge like this.
[But she did sometimes - not often - allow herself to mourn.]
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Date: 2019-08-20 03:06 am (UTC)[I don't normally indulge like this.] I know. It's nice, right now, that you can. That you trust us enough.
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Date: 2019-08-20 06:10 am (UTC)[She'd said it before, but maybe it was worth saying again - ] I - I'm glad you're here with me, too.
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Date: 2019-08-20 09:55 am (UTC)But he quickly got back to work. In not very long, he came back out with a plateful of something lightly fried that smelled wonderful, and slid it halfway across the table to her as he slid back onto a seat.] I was told this is traditional on my father's homeworld. Though I've never been there and he's not the one who taught me, so who knows?
[ooc: It's Diego Luna's fault for joking about Cassian making great chilaquiles.]
yessss cassian's chilaquiles i approve
Date: 2019-08-21 01:24 am (UTC)And it looked good and smelled good and her stomach rumbled accordingly. Still, she didn't yet take a bite, listening to Cassian tell the story of what the dish was.] It's in your blood. Well, come on, take a bite with me.
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Date: 2019-08-30 09:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-09-05 06:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-09-10 10:26 pm (UTC)[He tapped her bottle with his.] Cheers.
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Date: 2019-09-19 04:15 am (UTC)[A bite. A pleased little smile and nod.] S'good.
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Date: 2019-10-14 05:57 am (UTC)[He took another bite as well, giving them both some room. There was definitely something to be said for sharing a meal—something he could never do with Kaytoo even when Cassian did feed himself properly. It helped even silences be companionable. Of course, that hadn't really been a problem for him with Jyn. The general, profound sense of understanding between them helped that, too.
He still felt it somewhat his job to keep up conversation, and keep it light, so he said,] What kind of food do you like best?
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Date: 2019-10-23 05:42 am (UTC)[She shook her head and focused her attention back on her plate, wishing she had the right words with which to say that she always wanted Cassian around. Maybe she was too afraid to say it outright, too afraid to push him away if she seemed too needy, too clingy.
It was so hard, trying to navigate whatever strange place they currently inhabited with each other, but she was trying. That had to count for something - that she wasn't trying to run away.
His question, though, anchored her back to the moment, even made her chuckle in her surprise.] Haven't really given it much thought. [She was far more accustomed to eat to survive, not to enjoy, which she was sure he understood, as well.] I do like sweet rolls, though.
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Date: 2019-11-01 10:10 am (UTC)[was it possible to say the next word without it being a plea?]
…stay.
You know. With the Alliance.
[With me.
Was there a difference? There hadn't been for so long. But… could there be…? If she didn't want to stay with the Alliance… but invited him to go with her…?
Shut it. She'd just said… I mean. C'mon. Jyn Erso wasn't someone who'd compromise herself to tell him what he wanted to hear. So listen to what she actually said. Trust her enough not to second-guess.
He tried to come up with a more flippant follow-up, but everything he would mean to be self-deprecating—not being so social himself; get ready to be teased for hanging out with the two droids, Kaytoo and Cassian—could too easily make it seem like a chore—like he did consider it some mission. Which of course he didn't one bit.
He gladly went with her smile and returned it.] Those are good. Best part of any bulk-up regimen. [Usually for an undercover assignment on a Core world where he wasn't supposed to look underfed. …Dammit, 'Man, can't you think of any casual conversation?]
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Date: 2019-11-04 07:01 pm (UTC)But she was still here and asking for Cassian's assistance with making friends, and for a woman who was far more accustomed to being on her own, trying to make a living while on the run, that was huge -
An admission that maybe she needed more.
It wasn't pressure that she was currently facing. It was uncertainty.
Haltingly, she asked - ]
You had said 'welcome home' …
And I just thought - I had wondered …
Does it still stand?
[Or had she made up what she thought had been growing between them? Was she looking for signs of something that no longer existed? Before her mask slipped and exposed all the thoughts she was thinking, Jyn looked back down at her plate, took another bite, tried to pull herself back under control.
But when she glanced back up and took in the sight of Cassian sitting across from her, really observed him with a sharp eye, she was sure that momentarily, her thought process was crystal clear -
you don't need me to, but i worry about you]
I'll be sure to save you one when I can.
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Date: 2019-11-08 07:06 am (UTC)Yes.
You have a home with us. As long as you want it.
[Hand being braced to the table kept it from shaking. As he actually, terrifyingly let the words out:]
…With me.
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