[This wasn't the easiest conversation to have - but it was necessary to have it nonetheless, to make it known that they could share any worries or fears that they might have been having, that both were available to work out whatever was going on.
This was hard, she thought, her eyes meeting Cassian's, softening all the more to see the smile that he granted her, the knowledge that her words had landed directly where she wanted them to, but for you, for us, I will see it through.
Her sigh was muffled as she leaned all the closer, intent upon returning the kiss. What they spent the rest of the night doing didn't matter one way or another to Jyn, as long as they could spend it together.]
He had a hard time remembering when last he'd kissed or been kissed by someone as an end in of itself.
But then, he wasn't trying to remember. And if memories of other times tried to show their face, he'd brush them aside.
Not likely, though. His thoughts, his senses, were filled with her. Only her.
An end in of itself… but could also yield so well to continuing on…
His fingers in her hair, treasuring its flow and fall, and his other hand braced behind her, moving in so his arm touched her back…
He didn't want to take any action first. Even though he trusted her, that he wouldn't be unduly pressuring, it didn't feel right. Mutuality. Reciprocity. That was what he felt with Jyn. What he'd felt when they never made clear who was actually in charge of the Scarif incursion, knowing they didn't need to; they were seamlessly in accord, one commander in two people—
But don't think of Scarif either. (Harder though that was.)
Instead, he tried something with which he had far less practice.
[Jyn had never really had the luxury of time to enjoy moments like this - not that any experience she had had previously could ever compare. She had never cared for anyone like she cared for Cassian, and she knew that she never would again.
He was it for her. He was her person. He was her saving grace. He was her home.
They were two halves of the same whole.
For as much as she didn't want to push - to do anything to influence the decision as to what their next move would be, it was impossible to keep from responding to the feel of his fingers tangling in her hair, his arm curling around her, keeping her close, a soft shiver wracking her from head to foot to match the quiet groan that escaped her lips and vibrated against his.
This was only ever going to work if they were in agreement about what they wanted, not doing what they believed the other wanted.
There was no disappointment in her voice as the kiss came to an end and she struggled to find her breath, just a rough edge when she finally managed to reply - ] Yes. Probably better for your back if we do.
He kept his hand gentle on her back in descent. Not like she needed help lying down, but… like he wanted to… support her… or just move exactly with her.
And keep her in his arms as they lay flat, facing each other. And his arm beneath her found a new way to bend, to keep his palm against her back, and his other arm draped over her waist. His eyes again drinking her in like he couldn't quite believe the sight of her yet needed it to keep breathing.]
[Jyn made a noncommittal little noise in the back of her throat, but didn't argue. Didn't need to, not with how soon she found herself being gently guided to lie down, kept safe and steady by the hand splayed against her back.
No, she didn't need the assistance, but she appreciated it nonetheless, relished the way he kept close and didn't rest fully until they had found a way to lay comfortably together, so wrapped up that it would take time carefully extricate themselves if need be.
Force, Jyn hoped that nothing would require their immediate attention soon.
She was perfectly content just to be close, to rest quietly with each other, to let the last vestiges of her walls come crumbling down so that Cassian could make a home inside her heart with nothing to impede the way.
Jyn decided that she always wanted to see him just like this - young and happy and (for the moment) without worry.]
[No, not "good". Transcendent. Incredible. Beyond belief. Heavenly. More glad and grateful and incredulous and at peace than he's been his whole life.
And having no idea what to say. Finally, a little hoarse but still soft, he fell back on Caridan.] Me encantas.
[That opened up and allowed a little more wordflow.]
Really good.
[She might ask again, and if not, he knew at least she wouldn't mind if he preempted—] I don't know what I want right now. Nothing. Everything. To do whatever you want.
Even though she was still trying to ignore the small voice in the back of her head that tried to convince her that that was all just an incredibly vivid dream, that when she woke up, she would be alone and none of this would have happened.
But even if it were, she'd hold on to the memory of how she felt - how Cassian made her feel.
She didn't rush him to speak, choosing instead to quietly observe as he gathered enough of his thoughts to be able to answer the question. Where they had begun the night wasn't exactly where they needed to end it, and if this was all they did - spent the rest of it resting in each other's arms - she would be perfectly at ease.
So there was no disappointment in her eyes or her expression as she watched him, no hesitation as she continued tracing nondescript patterns against his arm where her hand rested, nothing but understanding in her voice when she offered - ]
[His smile was a little questioning, though the way it crinkled his eyes: entirely warm.]
…we're not both… dancing, are we? Avoiding each other? …'cause, it's true. I don't need to do anything else… you don't need to do anything else… for me to be very, very glad of you. Right now. Ever.
At the same time… I don't think you could push me into anything I don't want, too. I mean, it's hard to think of anything. …Anyway. I'll try to… be less worried about pushing you. I know you can tell me either way.
[Come to think of it, he hadn't been able to get her to do what he wanted when he was trying. We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!]
[That was the question, wasn't it? After everything they had admitted to each other, including fears and feelings, Jyn knew that she and Cassian both were still ... tiptoeing around each other a little. Despite the nature of her initial message, after all of that, the last thing Jyn wanted to do was jump into anything else, not while emotions were still high and there was so much to process.
Her answering smile - and the chuckle that came along with it - was just as warm. As was the gentle touch of her hand as she swiped the pad of her thumb along the side of his hand.]
I think we might be. But it's clearly not because we don't know what we want or trust what each other want. It's - it's not wanting to do the wrong thing which could lead to ... regret.
But I agree, Cassian. I don't need to do anything more than this to be happy with you. And ... whatever boundaries you might be worried about crossing ...
Don't be.
I trust you. I want you. I love you. And ... while I could kick your ass if I had to, I'd rather not. Ever. I want to take whatever step we're both ready to take, together.
[She was so good… so clear. Not just because of what she was choosing to say and how she was saying it, but because he knew it was true. Knew she meant it, and trusted her to understand what it meant.
Had he ever told her about Kay? The glitch in the reprogram—Kay's unfiltered, sometimes aggressive, honesty. He could have looked into "fixing", at least softening, that. He never had. Because he'd relished the chance of having one being, out of everyone in the universe, who was utterly, directly, unfilteredly honest with him. Not even compromising for niceties. Someone who would say exactly what he meant and meant exactly what he said. Something Cassian had never had with anyone in his life.
Jyn and Kay were so unlike each other (…thank the Force, given his profoundly different feelings for each of them). But, even though Jyn could and frequently did keep her thoughts to herself, rather than blurting them like Kay; and was extremely capable of deception, where Kay was hopeless at it; …to his amazement… the trust was the same. Kay couldn't help it, Jyn could, but he knew rooted into his flesh and organs and bones, that she wouldn't. Not in this. With him.
He wanted so badly to give her exactly the same.
…So, for a start, maybe try really trusting her. To stop if him if she wanted—it wouldn't take much, the slightest move or word from her; he was pretty sure she knew/believed that in turn. And not to be doing anything just for his sake, without her own genuine willingness/wanting, too.
So he folded himself once more against her, the whole of their bodies flush, interlocked; let his one hand run over the expanse (small as she was) of her back, shoulderblade to nape to nates and back; while the other mirrored hers upon him, moving to her cheek.
And said almost in a whisper:]
I've wanted you in my arms since you said Trust goes both ways.
I've wanted to make love with you since… I don't even know, I couldn't afford to let myself go there… but also then. Maybe earlier.
If I'm on the edge of a cliff: great. I'm good to fall.
[No matter how difficult or hurtful, no matter if a lie would spare feelings, Jyn wanted to be honest with Cassian, too, in all things.
And she had truly begun opening up by sharing details of some of the more intimate traumas she'd experienced during her time with the Partisans, the fear that she had been rendered infertile, details she never wanted to share with another being for as long as she lived, but had trusted Cassian with.
It only made sense to be honest here and now, too, especially if it helped to settle some of Cassian's fears, helped strengthen the words she spoke, the reassurances that she tried to provide.
From I love you to this is going to be hard, but we'll be okay if we just keep choosing each other to I'm fine waiting if you're not ready, she meant each and every word.
Maybe her methods of truthfulness wouldn't (always) be so abrupt as Kay's, but she hoped Cassian knew that he could count on her to tell the truth, no matter how dire the situation. But - that was neither here nor there, she thought, focusing all of her attention to welcoming Cassian all the closer still, her eyes on him as he touched her so gently, testing the waters, listening intently as he spoke, her flushed cheeks slowly darkening at the implication.]
We've been waiting for this for a long time, haven't we? [She asked, just as quietly, tipping her chin up, leaning in just enough to steal another kiss.] I want to promise that I'll be there to catch you when you fall, but ...
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Date: 2019-11-04 05:54 pm (UTC)This was hard, she thought, her eyes meeting Cassian's, softening all the more to see the smile that he granted her, the knowledge that her words had landed directly where she wanted them to, but for you, for us, I will see it through.
Her sigh was muffled as she leaned all the closer, intent upon returning the kiss. What they spent the rest of the night doing didn't matter one way or another to Jyn, as long as they could spend it together.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-08 07:15 am (UTC)He had a hard time remembering when last he'd kissed or been kissed by someone as an end in of itself.
But then, he wasn't trying to remember. And if memories of other times tried to show their face, he'd brush them aside.
Not likely, though. His thoughts, his senses, were filled with her. Only her.
An end in of itself… but could also yield so well to continuing on…
His fingers in her hair, treasuring its flow and fall, and his other hand braced behind her, moving in so his arm touched her back…
He didn't want to take any action first. Even though he trusted her, that he wouldn't be unduly pressuring, it didn't feel right. Mutuality. Reciprocity. That was what he felt with Jyn. What he'd felt when they never made clear who was actually in charge of the Scarif incursion, knowing they didn't need to; they were seamlessly in accord, one commander in two people—
But don't think of Scarif either. (Harder though that was.)
Instead, he tried something with which he had far less practice.
Speaking.]
Should we lie down?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-10 05:28 pm (UTC)He was it for her. He was her person. He was her saving grace. He was her home.
They were two halves of the same whole.
For as much as she didn't want to push - to do anything to influence the decision as to what their next move would be, it was impossible to keep from responding to the feel of his fingers tangling in her hair, his arm curling around her, keeping her close, a soft shiver wracking her from head to foot to match the quiet groan that escaped her lips and vibrated against his.
This was only ever going to work if they were in agreement about what they wanted, not doing what they believed the other wanted.
There was no disappointment in her voice as the kiss came to an end and she struggled to find her breath, just a rough edge when she finally managed to reply - ] Yes. Probably better for your back if we do.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-11 02:17 am (UTC)[But that wasn't a disagreement.
He kept his hand gentle on her back in descent. Not like she needed help lying down, but… like he wanted to… support her… or just move exactly with her.
And keep her in his arms as they lay flat, facing each other. And his arm beneath her found a new way to bend, to keep his palm against her back, and his other arm draped over her waist. His eyes again drinking her in like he couldn't quite believe the sight of her yet needed it to keep breathing.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-17 10:11 pm (UTC)No, she didn't need the assistance, but she appreciated it nonetheless, relished the way he kept close and didn't rest fully until they had found a way to lay comfortably together, so wrapped up that it would take time carefully extricate themselves if need be.
Force, Jyn hoped that nothing would require their immediate attention soon.
She was perfectly content just to be close, to rest quietly with each other, to let the last vestiges of her walls come crumbling down so that Cassian could make a home inside her heart with nothing to impede the way.
Jyn decided that she always wanted to see him just like this - young and happy and (for the moment) without worry.]
Still good?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-22 04:47 am (UTC)And having no idea what to say. Finally, a little hoarse but still soft, he fell back on Caridan.] Me encantas.
[That opened up and allowed a little more wordflow.]
Really good.
[She might ask again, and if not, he knew at least she wouldn't mind if he preempted—] I don't know what I want right now. Nothing. Everything. To do whatever you want.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-28 07:14 pm (UTC)Even though she was still trying to ignore the small voice in the back of her head that tried to convince her that that was all just an incredibly vivid dream, that when she woke up, she would be alone and none of this would have happened.
But even if it were, she'd hold on to the memory of how she felt - how Cassian made her feel.
She didn't rush him to speak, choosing instead to quietly observe as he gathered enough of his thoughts to be able to answer the question. Where they had begun the night wasn't exactly where they needed to end it, and if this was all they did - spent the rest of it resting in each other's arms - she would be perfectly at ease.
So there was no disappointment in her eyes or her expression as she watched him, no hesitation as she continued tracing nondescript patterns against his arm where her hand rested, nothing but understanding in her voice when she offered - ]
Being here with you is enough.
/hopes very much I'm not repeating things I've already written in another of our threads!/
Date: 2020-01-19 04:46 am (UTC)…we're not both… dancing, are we? Avoiding each other? …'cause, it's true. I don't need to do anything else… you don't need to do anything else… for me to be very, very glad of you. Right now. Ever.
At the same time… I don't think you could push me into anything I don't want, too. I mean, it's hard to think of anything. …Anyway. I'll try to… be less worried about pushing you. I know you can tell me either way.
[Come to think of it, he hadn't been able to get her to do what he wanted when he was trying. We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!]
Or kick my ass if you had to.
I never want you to have to.
haha i don't think you are, but no worries even if we're retreading something, no complaint here
Date: 2020-02-01 10:09 am (UTC)Her answering smile - and the chuckle that came along with it - was just as warm. As was the gentle touch of her hand as she swiped the pad of her thumb along the side of his hand.]
I think we might be. But it's clearly not because we don't know what we want or trust what each other want. It's - it's not wanting to do the wrong thing which could lead to ... regret.
But I agree, Cassian. I don't need to do anything more than this to be happy with you. And ... whatever boundaries you might be worried about crossing ...
Don't be.
I trust you. I want you. I love you. And ... while I could kick your ass if I had to, I'd rather not. Ever. I want to take whatever step we're both ready to take, together.
Don't know WHY I got so stuck on this tag, but here I go FINALLY…!!
Date: 2020-03-04 01:05 am (UTC)Had he ever told her about Kay? The glitch in the reprogram—Kay's unfiltered, sometimes aggressive, honesty. He could have looked into "fixing", at least softening, that. He never had. Because he'd relished the chance of having one being, out of everyone in the universe, who was utterly, directly, unfilteredly honest with him. Not even compromising for niceties. Someone who would say exactly what he meant and meant exactly what he said. Something Cassian had never had with anyone in his life.
Jyn and Kay were so unlike each other (…thank the Force, given his profoundly different feelings for each of them). But, even though Jyn could and frequently did keep her thoughts to herself, rather than blurting them like Kay; and was extremely capable of deception, where Kay was hopeless at it; …to his amazement… the trust was the same. Kay couldn't help it, Jyn could, but he knew rooted into his flesh and organs and bones, that she wouldn't. Not in this. With him.
He wanted so badly to give her exactly the same.
…So, for a start, maybe try really trusting her. To stop if him if she wanted—it wouldn't take much, the slightest move or word from her; he was pretty sure she knew/believed that in turn. And not to be doing anything just for his sake, without her own genuine willingness/wanting, too.
So he folded himself once more against her, the whole of their bodies flush, interlocked; let his one hand run over the expanse (small as she was) of her back, shoulderblade to nape to nates and back; while the other mirrored hers upon him, moving to her cheek.
And said almost in a whisper:]
I've wanted you in my arms since you said Trust goes both ways.
I've wanted to make love with you since… I don't even know, I couldn't afford to let myself go there… but also then. Maybe earlier.
If I'm on the edge of a cliff: great. I'm good to fall.
It happens! But I will always wait <3
Date: 2021-11-15 09:02 pm (UTC)And she had truly begun opening up by sharing details of some of the more intimate traumas she'd experienced during her time with the Partisans, the fear that she had been rendered infertile, details she never wanted to share with another being for as long as she lived, but had trusted Cassian with.
It only made sense to be honest here and now, too, especially if it helped to settle some of Cassian's fears, helped strengthen the words she spoke, the reassurances that she tried to provide.
From I love you to this is going to be hard, but we'll be okay if we just keep choosing each other to I'm fine waiting if you're not ready, she meant each and every word.
Maybe her methods of truthfulness wouldn't (always) be so abrupt as Kay's, but she hoped Cassian knew that he could count on her to tell the truth, no matter how dire the situation. But - that was neither here nor there, she thought, focusing all of her attention to welcoming Cassian all the closer still, her eyes on him as he touched her so gently, testing the waters, listening intently as he spoke, her flushed cheeks slowly darkening at the implication.]
We've been waiting for this for a long time, haven't we? [She asked, just as quietly, tipping her chin up, leaning in just enough to steal another kiss.] I want to promise that I'll be there to catch you when you fall, but ...
I want to fall together.