[Everything has to be laid out on the table now - he knows this, she knows this. They’ve already said so much to each other tonight, why not really hammer in the last nail into the coffin of whatever this potentially could have been?
But at least he knows, right? Ben knows how she feels and she knows how he feels.
And now nothing will ever come of it.
She starts crying again - well, no, not really. Her eyes well up with tears and as much as Ben wants to wipe them away - kiss them away - he doesn’t move an inch.
He does move when she tells him she’s taking the couch though.]
Nope - no. I’m taking the couch tonight.
[Ben turns to leave her room before she can protest and call him ridiculous for thinking he can fit on her couch.
Whatever. It’s her bed and her apartment and she’s letting him stay here.
[For once in her life, Jyn doesn't argue the point.
Her throat tight, her eyes burning, she is in agony as she watches Ben turn away from her, her heart breaking at the knowledge that she is the cause of this new distance growing between them.
He's hurt. Probably disappointed and angry as well. God knows she'd would've felt the same thing if the tables had been turned and Ben was the one to destroy any chance of having a relationship due to fear.
But Jyn doesn't ask Ben to say, and feels like she's crumbling into dust as he leaves and doesn't look back.
Eventually, emotionally exhausted, she falls into a dreamless, restless sleep. When she wakes, it's dark and still and she doesn't know whether she's been sleeping for five hours or ten minutes, but she feels like she's been awake for days and it's … miserable.
She is miserable.
Jyn kicks her blankets off and sits and edge of the bed, sighing heavily as she brushes messy hair out of her face. She hears nothing from the living room and worries that instead of just going to sleep, Ben has just left instead. Timidly, she gets up and creeps from her bedroom into the main room, where she feels at least a small sense of relief to see his large shadow taking up her entire couch.
She feels stupid for being too cowardly to check to see whether or not he's sleeping or awake, but she feels like she's done enough damage for one night. But instead of returning to the sanctuary of her bedroom, she chooses to sit on the floor instead, holding her breath as she settles, unsure as to why she can't just leave well enough alone.
Slowly, Jyn exhales and inhales and just sits in the quiet, wishing that she wasn't such an idiot and that she could've turned back time in order to avoid all of this entirely - or share her feelings far, far sooner.]
I'm so stupid - [she begins, her voice low and trembling, her desire to get the words out outweighing the fear that he'd actually hear them being spoken aloud] I love you. I am in love with you. I only wish that I would've told you sooner so maybe we could have avoided all of this … fucked up mess.
[She laughed softly, although there was no hint of joy or amusement in the sound.] I won't presume that you could ever want to be with me after I pretty much pushed you away and ruined any chances that we might have had, but …
God, Ben. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to have to care about what others might think or how they might judge. I just want to love you, as openly and honestly as I can. I want my friend.
But I want so much more.
I'm sorry for being such a goddamn fuckup, but I hope … I hope you'll forgive me for it eventually. I hope - I guess … just please don't leave me, okay?
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no subject
Date: 2020-07-03 06:18 am (UTC)But at least he knows, right? Ben knows how she feels and she knows how he feels.
And now nothing will ever come of it.
She starts crying again - well, no, not really. Her eyes well up with tears and as much as Ben wants to wipe them away - kiss them away - he doesn’t move an inch.
He does move when she tells him she’s taking the couch though.]
Nope - no. I’m taking the couch tonight.
[Ben turns to leave her room before she can protest and call him ridiculous for thinking he can fit on her couch.
Whatever. It’s her bed and her apartment and she’s letting him stay here.
He’s taking the fucking couch tonight.]
no subject
Date: 2020-09-14 10:46 pm (UTC)Her throat tight, her eyes burning, she is in agony as she watches Ben turn away from her, her heart breaking at the knowledge that she is the cause of this new distance growing between them.
He's hurt. Probably disappointed and angry as well. God knows she'd would've felt the same thing if the tables had been turned and Ben was the one to destroy any chance of having a relationship due to fear.
But Jyn doesn't ask Ben to say, and feels like she's crumbling into dust as he leaves and doesn't look back.
Eventually, emotionally exhausted, she falls into a dreamless, restless sleep. When she wakes, it's dark and still and she doesn't know whether she's been sleeping for five hours or ten minutes, but she feels like she's been awake for days and it's … miserable.
She is miserable.
Jyn kicks her blankets off and sits and edge of the bed, sighing heavily as she brushes messy hair out of her face. She hears nothing from the living room and worries that instead of just going to sleep, Ben has just left instead. Timidly, she gets up and creeps from her bedroom into the main room, where she feels at least a small sense of relief to see his large shadow taking up her entire couch.
She feels stupid for being too cowardly to check to see whether or not he's sleeping or awake, but she feels like she's done enough damage for one night. But instead of returning to the sanctuary of her bedroom, she chooses to sit on the floor instead, holding her breath as she settles, unsure as to why she can't just leave well enough alone.
Slowly, Jyn exhales and inhales and just sits in the quiet, wishing that she wasn't such an idiot and that she could've turned back time in order to avoid all of this entirely - or share her feelings far, far sooner.]
I'm so stupid - [she begins, her voice low and trembling, her desire to get the words out outweighing the fear that he'd actually hear them being spoken aloud] I love you. I am in love with you. I only wish that I would've told you sooner so maybe we could have avoided all of this … fucked up mess.
[She laughed softly, although there was no hint of joy or amusement in the sound.] I won't presume that you could ever want to be with me after I pretty much pushed you away and ruined any chances that we might have had, but …
God, Ben. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to have to care about what others might think or how they might judge. I just want to love you, as openly and honestly as I can. I want my friend.
But I want so much more.
I'm sorry for being such a goddamn fuckup, but I hope … I hope you'll forgive me for it eventually. I hope - I guess … just please don't leave me, okay?