[when that man took away my mother and my father and left me all alone . Cassian remembered how Jyn had started back toward the man in white, lying crumpled where Cassian had shot him—and Cassian had held onto her arm and pulled her back to him by it, forcing her not to make the very kind of decision Cassian had once made… Had that been right of him, really for her, or just selfish, not wanting to spend the end of his life on war…?
When she sobbed, and her grip tightened on his arm, he instinctively sat further upright on his knees, bringing his arms and face and everything closer to her.
Twice, she'd lost or given up a possible child… at least once, one she'd wanted… All the pain Cassian had ever felt for his own sacrifice—what he'd considered just cost for just cause—he could never let himself have something that mattered more to him than the work… and, just like Jyn it sounded like, he couldn't trust the universe enough to give it another child… He brought up his other hand to wrap around hers, protecting her hand between both of his, warm and close. And refrained from offering now, but would later, to go with her to medical and stay with her the whole time and be her intermediary if she wanted one, if she ever did want to find out more.
…even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give. His eyes flickered down to their hands, hers still encased by his, and he gently squeezed. He understood completely. He, at least, had had the Rebellion. Had she been entirely on her own…?
Here we are.
Looking into her face again, Cassian removed one of his hands from around hers—to reach up, cup her cheek, and use his thumb to brush away the tears from under one of her eyes.
I was ready to go, too. Because I had you.
But what he responded to, softly, was about Galen:]
[In the end, Krennic had gotten exactly what he deserved. And while Jyn would have liked nothing better than to have taken some sort of revenge, ultimately, she was glad that Cassian had urged her away from it, that he had pulled her to him instead, that they had managed to find some measure of peace together on that beach, waiting for the end to come.
She was grateful for his presence as she spoke, even though a part of her - a large part - wanted to throw all caution to the wind and curl her arms around him to just ... hold each other again. But she refrained, contenting herself with the way he held her hand instead, the steadiness that was offered in such a seemingly simple gesture.
There was probably more that needed to be said, but Jyn couldn't find the words to continue on. Maybe she would be able to continue at another time, but for the moment, she felt totally and completely emotionally spent, bolstered by the gentle squeezes he offered her, the fact that she saw no pity, only understanding when she was finally able to take in the sight of him again after he so carefully wiped away her hot tears.
When was the last time she had felt so ... cared for?]
I told him that I saw his message, he told me that the weapon needed to be destroyed. He - he told me that he had so much more to tell me and then he ...
[Her expression crumbled and she shook her head slowly.]
I didn't even get a chance to say anything important, nothing that'd I'd wanted to tell him since I watched him leave. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
…I got to see what was happening on that platform before you got there.
The man in white had the stormtroopers aim on the scientists. Dr Erso put himself in front of them. I wasn't sure at the time— [couldn't trust his own interpretations when he wanted…] —but I don't think there's another way to read it: the leak was discovered and Dr Erso tried to give himself up to save his team. The man in white killed the scientists anyway and struck Dr Erso to the ground.
It was too far away to read lips. But if the man in white did that… whatever he said next would have been designed to make your father despair.
Having 'so much more to tell' you… those are words of hope.
It doesn't make up for how it happened—how we failed you… but I don't think you failed him, Jyn. You transformed his last moments from despair to hope. That's… so much. That can be everything.
[For a long moment, Jyn could only clutch Cassian's hand all the tighter still, her ragged breathing the only noise emanating from her as she listened. She would probably always feel some measure of guilt about not reassuring his father in his last moments that she bore no ill will toward him, that she still loved him ...
But maybe Cassian was right. Maybe she had given him something akin to hope, that his efforts had not been in vain, that someone had been listening, that someone was going to do something, and if that was the best she could have done, maybe she should take solace in having had even the smallest opportunity to give him an iota of peace.
She dropped her head again, and the dam burst, sending torrets of scalding tears - perhaps all the tears she'd been holding back for so long - cascading down her cheeks, leaving great big wet spots as they hit their clasped hands and slid down to her thighs, soaking in to her worn trousers.
Finally - eventually, when she could breathe again, when the tears slowed, but did not cease - ]
[She started weeping… and Cassian finally dared: sitting fully upright on his knees, as they had on the beach, and—as gently, as lightly as he'd offered her hand, so she could refuse it or free herself from it the instant she chose—put his arms around her. Though left the final centimeters of putting their bodies together up to her.]
[Jyn didn't think twice - the moment that Cassian offered the sanctuary (safety) of his embrace, she leaned into him as much as she dared, wanting nothing more than the reassurance and comfort he was providing. She curled her arms around his shoulders and held on in an attempt to steady her shaking. He didn't have to do this, but he was, and even through her sadness, she more than appreciated the care.]
[His arms tightened around her; one holding her body, the other bending so his hand could softly cup the back of her neck, twine his fingers in her hair; and he pressed a kiss to the side of her head, his eyes closed too, not sure if he felt an actual tear fall from his own eye, or transferred to his cheek from hers.]
Nothing—you have nothing to apologize for. Not to me.
[It was almost embarrassing, the way Jyn settled into Cassian's arms so quickly, but maybe she needed it - from him - not pity, but an understanding that she wouldn't wish anyone to share, even though he did, perhaps better than anyone ever could. He treated her so gently, so carefully, and even though she never allowed herself to feel so breakable, in the moment, she felt very fragile indeed.
She had no more words to say, holding on just a little tighter as she tried t fight her way back to herself through a despair that she'd had locked away since she was a little girl, suddenly finding herself alone in a big, cruel universe.]
[Little Separatist boy recognized little Partisan girl. And wanted nothing but to be there for her.
Another risk, now.]
I swear—let Kaytoo lecture me on probabilities for ten days straight if I'm lying—I'm not trying to trick you into anything. I promise on the Force. Just… well. Do you want to lie down? We could listen to holos or… just rest. For a while.
Or we can stay like this, right here. Or go out walking. Or anything else. It's fine. Either way. We have time. And I'm here.
[Maybe kindred souls really did recognize each other. They might have been on opposite sides then, but here they were now, and Jyn was taking a great measure of comfort in simply being close.
Her sniffles shifted into a watery little laugh, and although she didn't have enough strength to pull away, not just yet, she loosened her grip to allow the hint of an exploration as she let her fingertips brush through the hair at the back of his neck.]
You're going to hurt your back if we stay like this for much longer. Can we ... lie down? Just for a little while! I'm not - I'm not ready to leave yet.
[He bowed his head at the sensation, touching his forehead to her shoulder. And exhaled a laugh. (That, somewhere, made several of his colleagues faint.)]
Yes. Stay as long as you like. …I don't want you to leave either.
[He suspected he was blushing as he sat back from her. —only to lever himself upright enough to sit again on the mattress. And moved back, to the half against the wall, leaving the other half for her. …Leaving his arm, also, hesitantly outstretched, for her to put her head on.]
[It was a beautiful noise - Cassian's laugh, and Jyn's heart thumped painfully in her chest to hear it. And maybe the hope that she would hear it again began to take root.
She wanted to tell him that she would stay as long as he wanted her, but instead, she struggled to swallow the lump in her throat down. Cassian was being so kind to her, so gentle with her, and she wasn't accustomed to any of it.
(She wanted to be.
Jyn took a breath and soon followed his lead, careful as she moved from chair to mattress, even more so as she tried to arrange herself into a position that was as comfortable for them both as possible, all the while trying to maintain as much contact as possible.
For warmth. For comfort. For all that and so much more that as of yet, she hadn't even discovered.]
[He was fastidious in waiting to follow her lead—but at every step, the moment she initiated any touch, he reciprocated without hesitation; until they lay closely pressed, his arms back around her.
Maybe she would get, from what he'd shared—never slept with anyone without it being for a mission, meaning it was always lies, manipulations, and imagining himself away—that he would be careful to the point of paranoia not to push anything with Jyn—at least partly because he wasn't sure he'd be able to trust anything that came first from himself. It also meant: he needed explicit communication/consent at every phase. Whether or not it went to that possibility or not.]
[Jyn was not unaware of the moment that Cassian let her take the lead and decide how it was that they were going to lay, how close they were going to get, what was an acceptable level of contact.
She was very well aware of the implications of Cassian's admittance. She didn't want to do anything that he wasn't comfortable with, and so, after every movement she made, she paused and waited to see if he had any objections. But he didn't, and after a time, wrapped up together, Jyn finally allowed herself to rest, a little at a time.]
Like this, yes. The littler ones would have nightmares sometimes, cry at night, and I'd ... try to give them some comfort. But I've never shared a bed with someone I - someone I care about before.
[This was about them, and Cassian's feelings were just as valid as Jyn's.
For a long, quiet moment, she simply held him a little tighter, as clear a physical reminder that she could give that she was there, and that there was nowhere else she wanted to be.
With Cassian.]
I have been with you - every moment that I've been allowed, and even some that I've had to fight for.
If I didn't care, Cassian, if I ... didn't feel the same, I wouldn't be here right now.
I know. I knew you were there before I woke up. It helped so much.
…I know that, too. I trust you.
It's me I don't always trust. Wanting…
[…anything, really. So used to equating wanting with being compromised. Not just concerning judgement, but perception.]
I'm so glad… you're here with me. I don't just mean in this room… I mean… I think—wanting similar things. The same way.
[…a conversation they should probably have in full, in case… but right now had already leaped so many more hurdles, gotten so far, than he would have dared to hope, and he'd be perfectly comfortable leaving it there for now and just relaxing.]
They told me that maybe it would help if I talked to you, so I did. I told you the same stories Papa used to tell me at bedtime when I was a little girl. I - I didn't know if it helped, if you even heard me, but I wanted to help in whatever way I could.
[The arm curled around his middle squeezed gently, an offering of understanding and reassurance. They had already shared so much with each other that although Jyn wanted to continue the conversation, she almost wondered if it would be best to save it for another time, at least after they'd gotten a rest and recovered from their shared emotional exhaustion.]
I'm with you, Cassian - [She murmured, curling up all the closer still] all the way.
[However you want me. As long as possible. I am here.]
I had at least one dream that I couldn't tell where it came from—nothing in my life that I could remember… something about an Octave Stairway?
[Yeah… words, voice, were starting to be too difficult… but connection wasn't. He felt the understanding flowing between them like others (Chirrut) had described the Force… not a substitute for explicit communication, if they were to venture into unknown territory; but what they'd established here, right now, in the last half hour, was so much, so deep, so unprecedented and precious, more than enough to sink into and just enjoy as an end in itself, for a while. His arms tightened around her in response, signaling he felt he gesture and welcomed it; and the fingers the hand still cradling her head traced meaningless glyphs in her hair.
He murmured softly back, unfiltered and unguarded,]
And I'm yours. However much you want. All the way.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(a) That was absolutely lovely, (b) Oh bb, I totally tag with wookieepedia open to help me ^_^
Date: 2019-06-29 05:32 am (UTC)When she sobbed, and her grip tightened on his arm, he instinctively sat further upright on his knees, bringing his arms and face and everything closer to her.
Twice, she'd lost or given up a possible child… at least once, one she'd wanted… All the pain Cassian had ever felt for his own sacrifice—what he'd considered just cost for just cause—he could never let himself have something that mattered more to him than the work… and, just like Jyn it sounded like, he couldn't trust the universe enough to give it another child… He brought up his other hand to wrap around hers, protecting her hand between both of his, warm and close. And refrained from offering now, but would later, to go with her to medical and stay with her the whole time and be her intermediary if she wanted one, if she ever did want to find out more.
…even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give. His eyes flickered down to their hands, hers still encased by his, and he gently squeezed. He understood completely. He, at least, had had the Rebellion. Had she been entirely on her own…?
Here we are.
Looking into her face again, Cassian removed one of his hands from around hers—to reach up, cup her cheek, and use his thumb to brush away the tears from under one of her eyes.
I was ready to go, too. Because I had you.
But what he responded to, softly, was about Galen:]
Did you get to speak to him at all? At the end?
thank you! and thank goodness for wookiepedia, too
Date: 2019-06-29 06:16 am (UTC)She was grateful for his presence as she spoke, even though a part of her - a large part - wanted to throw all caution to the wind and curl her arms around him to just ... hold each other again. But she refrained, contenting herself with the way he held her hand instead, the steadiness that was offered in such a seemingly simple gesture.
There was probably more that needed to be said, but Jyn couldn't find the words to continue on. Maybe she would be able to continue at another time, but for the moment, she felt totally and completely emotionally spent, bolstered by the gentle squeezes he offered her, the fact that she saw no pity, only understanding when she was finally able to take in the sight of him again after he so carefully wiped away her hot tears.
When was the last time she had felt so ... cared for?]
I told him that I saw his message, he told me that the weapon needed to be destroyed. He - he told me that he had so much more to tell me and then he ...
[Her expression crumbled and she shook her head slowly.]
I didn't even get a chance to say anything important, nothing that'd I'd wanted to tell him since I watched him leave. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-29 10:12 am (UTC)The man in white had the stormtroopers aim on the scientists. Dr Erso put himself in front of them. I wasn't sure at the time— [couldn't trust his own interpretations when he wanted…] —but I don't think there's another way to read it: the leak was discovered and Dr Erso tried to give himself up to save his team. The man in white killed the scientists anyway and struck Dr Erso to the ground.
It was too far away to read lips. But if the man in white did that… whatever he said next would have been designed to make your father despair.
Having 'so much more to tell' you… those are words of hope.
It doesn't make up for how it happened—how we failed you… but I don't think you failed him, Jyn. You transformed his last moments from despair to hope. That's… so much. That can be everything.
I know. It's what you did for me, too.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-29 07:37 pm (UTC)But maybe Cassian was right. Maybe she had given him something akin to hope, that his efforts had not been in vain, that someone had been listening, that someone was going to do something, and if that was the best she could have done, maybe she should take solace in having had even the smallest opportunity to give him an iota of peace.
She dropped her head again, and the dam burst, sending torrets of scalding tears - perhaps all the tears she'd been holding back for so long - cascading down her cheeks, leaving great big wet spots as they hit their clasped hands and slid down to her thighs, soaking in to her worn trousers.
Finally - eventually, when she could breathe again, when the tears slowed, but did not cease - ]
Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 01:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 02:14 am (UTC)Sorry. I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 03:28 am (UTC)Nothing—you have nothing to apologize for. Not to me.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 04:16 am (UTC)She had no more words to say, holding on just a little tighter as she tried t fight her way back to herself through a despair that she'd had locked away since she was a little girl, suddenly finding herself alone in a big, cruel universe.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 05:46 am (UTC)Another risk, now.]
I swear—let Kaytoo lecture me on probabilities for ten days straight if I'm lying—I'm not trying to trick you into anything. I promise on the Force. Just… well. Do you want to lie down? We could listen to holos or… just rest. For a while.
Or we can stay like this, right here. Or go out walking. Or anything else. It's fine. Either way. We have time. And I'm here.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 06:16 am (UTC)Her sniffles shifted into a watery little laugh, and although she didn't have enough strength to pull away, not just yet, she loosened her grip to allow the hint of an exploration as she let her fingertips brush through the hair at the back of his neck.]
You're going to hurt your back if we stay like this for much longer. Can we ... lie down? Just for a little while! I'm not - I'm not ready to leave yet.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 11:36 am (UTC)Yes. Stay as long as you like. …I don't want you to leave either.
[He suspected he was blushing as he sat back from her. —only to lever himself upright enough to sit again on the mattress. And moved back, to the half against the wall, leaving the other half for her. …Leaving his arm, also, hesitantly outstretched, for her to put her head on.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 03:59 pm (UTC)She wanted to tell him that she would stay as long as he wanted her, but instead, she struggled to swallow the lump in her throat down. Cassian was being so kind to her, so gentle with her, and she wasn't accustomed to any of it.
(She wanted to be.
Jyn took a breath and soon followed his lead, careful as she moved from chair to mattress, even more so as she tried to arrange herself into a position that was as comfortable for them both as possible, all the while trying to maintain as much contact as possible.
For warmth. For comfort. For all that and so much more that as of yet, she hadn't even discovered.]
I've never done this before.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 11:41 pm (UTC)Maybe she would get, from what he'd shared—never slept with anyone without it being for a mission, meaning it was always lies, manipulations, and imagining himself away—that he would be careful to the point of paranoia not to push anything with Jyn—at least partly because he wasn't sure he'd be able to trust anything that came first from himself. It also meant: he needed explicit communication/consent at every phase. Whether or not it went to that possibility or not.]
Done what? …Share a bed with someone?
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 01:49 am (UTC)She was very well aware of the implications of Cassian's admittance. She didn't want to do anything that he wasn't comfortable with, and so, after every movement she made, she paused and waited to see if he had any objections. But he didn't, and after a time, wrapped up together, Jyn finally allowed herself to rest, a little at a time.]
Like this, yes. The littler ones would have nightmares sometimes, cry at night, and I'd ... try to give them some comfort. But I've never shared a bed with someone I - someone I care about before.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 05:28 am (UTC)It started again, far too hard, louder than breath
Which was quite a feat considering his breathing was… If he'd been able to cry, it might have been his turn, then.
He was mostly glad he wasn't, because how dare he make this about him, possibly overload the moment for her…
At the same time… how to articulate the worlds that meant… that she'd say it, that she'd say it first…]
I didn't want to presume anything. Not from a moment that was supposed to be an ending, not a beginning.
But this is all I've wanted to do since Scarif. Be with you.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 05:59 am (UTC)For a long, quiet moment, she simply held him a little tighter, as clear a physical reminder that she could give that she was there, and that there was nowhere else she wanted to be.
With Cassian.]
I have been with you - every moment that I've been allowed, and even some that I've had to fight for.
If I didn't care, Cassian, if I ... didn't feel the same, I wouldn't be here right now.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 06:22 am (UTC)…I know that, too. I trust you.
It's me I don't always trust. Wanting…
[…anything, really. So used to equating wanting with being compromised. Not just concerning judgement, but perception.]
I'm so glad… you're here with me. I don't just mean in this room… I mean… I think—wanting similar things. The same way.
[…a conversation they should probably have in full, in case… but right now had already leaped so many more hurdles, gotten so far, than he would have dared to hope, and he'd be perfectly comfortable leaving it there for now and just relaxing.]
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 07:36 am (UTC)[The arm curled around his middle squeezed gently, an offering of understanding and reassurance. They had already shared so much with each other that although Jyn wanted to continue the conversation, she almost wondered if it would be best to save it for another time, at least after they'd gotten a rest and recovered from their shared emotional exhaustion.]
I'm with you, Cassian - [She murmured, curling up all the closer still] all the way.
[However you want me. As long as possible. I am here.]
no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 07:50 am (UTC)[Yeah… words, voice, were starting to be too difficult… but connection wasn't. He felt the understanding flowing between them like others (Chirrut) had described the Force… not a substitute for explicit communication, if they were to venture into unknown territory; but what they'd established here, right now, in the last half hour, was so much, so deep, so unprecedented and precious, more than enough to sink into and just enjoy as an end in itself, for a while. His arms tightened around her in response, signaling he felt he gesture and welcomed it; and the fingers the hand still cradling her head traced meaningless glyphs in her hair.
He murmured softly back, unfiltered and unguarded,]
And I'm yours. However much you want. All the way.