[And she did. The thoughts that Cassian voiced were the same sorts of thoughts that Jyn had had, too. And not only that, but the same thoughts that she had questioned much in the same way that he was admitting to doing himself.
Again, she offered a gentle, reassuring squeeze, and would have found a way to get closer if it wouldn't have involved sitting directly in his lap.
[He said it as fact, without any hesitation. As his hand, unthinking, squeezed hers, back.]
You deserve so much better, so much good, in the universe, that you had stolen or never got. It's not a judgment on you that you've gone so long without.
[Although Jyn's first instinct was to argue the point, all she did instead was gently shake her head. She wasn't sure that she deserved what Cassian was saying she did ... or even just being here with him like this.]
If I do, then you do, too. We've both seen so much bad, Cassian, I just -
['Then you do, too.' …No. He didn't. For all they had in common, were one another's reflection, there were things he thought still set them apart. Things… he didn't know if he could say aloud and have her stay beside him. …Did that mean he should say them, so she could choose to leave? Did it mean staying silent was a kind of coercion—not letting it be her full choice to stay?
Though he didn't move his hand away, he did release his grip. His rock-steadiness more telling, maybe, than a tremor would have been.]
I… don't want you to lose anything. Even me. But I… I've not just "seen so much bad". I've done so much that… I definitely don't "deserve"…
I'm not looking for… [Reassurance or absolution, neither of which was hers to give… Except didn't he potentially trust her judgment over his own…?]
I want that too. To be a part of the rest of your life. So much. But…
[The more he tried to work through the thoughts before speaking, the more they circled in on themselves, revealing pitfalls and hypocrisies. But still couldn't be dismissed or ignored. At last, he hung his head, shaking it.] I'm sorry. I don't know. I want to be with you. But I don't know… I can't tell if I'm tricking you or not.
[Jyn was silent as Cassian worked through what it was he needed to say. No, this wasn't what she had intended when she had sent the initial message, but maybe it was necessary if they wanted to take that next step together.
She listened. She kept close. What else could she do?
And although he had released his grip of her hand, she retained the contact by curling her fingers around his, squeezing gently. She could not absolve him of his sins - real or imagined, but she could accept him for all that he was, the black, the white, all the gray in-between.
Because she knew that he was doing exactly the same thing for her.]
...
Remember when you told me back in medbay that you were trying to avoid lying? Have you knowingly deceived me since then?
I know that I'll never know all the things you've had to do in order to survive, or the things you've been ordered to do in service of your job, but ... do you really think that I'm so innocent myself?
I have regrets. I - I have the same guilt that you do. But I know you, too, Cassian, I have seen the heart that lies beneath and it's good, it's so good.
I know who you are. I am choosing to be with you. And I want to spend the rest of my life by your side.
[Have you knowingly deceived me since then?] No. Never.
[Do you really think that I'm so innocent myself?] I think you've seen everything there is to see in this universe. [But I also wonder, if you… if you've… …he didn't want to land them in that game of trading sins; didn't want to coerce her into confessing anything to him, because she didn't have to, even were it his call. And wasn't sure, in the face of what she was laying out before him, for him, he could go back into his own either.
It's good, it's so good. The heart she described contracted and ached and took his breath with it.
I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. Maybe he wasn't protesting enough. Maybe he should now enumerate to her his every crime; every time he hurt someone when he didn't have to, his life hadn't depended on it and there had been other options; every time he'd met someone, while undercover, who wanted to leave the Empire, and he'd not only not taken them out with him but browbeaten them back into Imperial submission, just because of his lousy cover; every time he'd faked intimacy with someone in a way they didn't know was violating them; every time he'd chosen the right move, where Jyn—as far as he'd seen—would choose what was right.
But her words stole his voice. And when he regained any of it, he could only breathe,]
[Maybe there was still more to talk about, more to share, but no matter what Cassian chose to divulge to her, Jyn's opinions - her feelings were never going to change.
It would never be a competition, and she could never offer him forgiveness for the things he'd done, if that was what Cassian was looking for. But she could listen, and she could accept the deeds as part of who the war had forced him to become. She could care for him regardless of the sins that he felt he'd committed.
Who I am recognizes a kindred spirit in who you are.
For as much as Jyn didn't feel as though she deserved anything that Cassian was offering her, but it broke her heart to know how desperately he felt exactly the same. Whatever she was expecting, hearing him tell her that he loved her was not on her mind in the slightest. She took a great, shuddering breath and glanced down at her hands, hoping that she wasn't just going to ... burst into tears. It was so beautiful, hearing those words from Cassian, and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that he meant them.]
I love you, Cassian.
[Her heart beating erratically, Jyn reached out to take his hand once again.]
[His hand was there for hers, and entwined their fingers without hesitation, and gently compressed them together.
He didn't know if this was a deplorable move—mixing up that declaration with anything else, like physicality, as if that were a component or, worse, a requirement; or if it was simple honesty—and offering of himself, an action to go with the words. In any case, he leaned gently, quietly in, to kiss her.]
[Jyn offered a gentle squeeze - a reminder that she was there with him, that as far as she was concerned, she wasn't going anywhere.
She wasn't entirely sure of what to say next or what to do or where to go - so she was grateful when it seemed that for the moment, nothing more needed to be said. Cassian leaned in to kiss her, and Jyn welcomed him easily, breathing out the softest little sigh as she settled more comfortably into it.
...
If they had to take a step back from what they had originally met her to do, that was fine by her. She could wait. Cassian and his comfort were well worth it. She'd wait until he was ready.
[His hand came up to cup her face; fingertips tracing under her hair, charting, memorizing, promising.
She reciprocated… so warm, so quietly strong, Force-willed, self-contained, the capable and solitary and brilliant Jyn Erso… her smallest sigh was the most head-reeling sound he'd ever heard. The way they rested into one another, together… His hand slid to her back, slipping his arm around her, bringing their bodies still closer. He thought he could move toward it now and they'd lay down together…
Which was the risk and which the right way…? Let actions speak, trust her, both her actions and her words; prioritize that trust over his own self-doubt… or defer to the doubt because he'd relinquished anything else and always should…
Turning his face, so his forehead still touched hers but the rest moved apart, he worked on breathing. And finally exhaled a laugh and said quietly,] …I'm so bad at this. I have your explicit invitation and I'm still worried.
I know how to do things but never did them because I wanted to. Not until you. Only you.
[For as much as she wanted to lean into the touch, she tried to keep as still as possible in order to let Cassian do what he was comfortable with, hoping that her reactions weren't influencing him into doing what he thought she wanted, especially if he wasn't yet ready for those same things.
She could be patient in this. She could take one step at a time by his side, not leading ahead, not pushing behind. They would get there together or not at all.
His arm curled around her, and Jyn easily followed suit as Cassian urged her all the closer still, every inch of them touching from shoulder to thigh. If all they did was lie down together and entangle limbs until it was difficult to tell where one ended and the other began, she'd be perfectly content to do so. If they did more, she would be just as happy.
She welcomed him as he leaned his forehead against her, quiet and calm, waiting to hear what he would say, what he was thinking or feeling, what he wanted or what he didn't.
Her heart was so full of Cassian, but it still twisted painfully for him, too, the thought that he had never been granted a choice in something that was at it's core about choices - I am choosing to be with you, we are choosing to take this step together - the knowledge that he didn't know what to do with himself or even what was right now that he was being given the freedom to choose.
Jyn exhaled, slowly and steadily.]
So ... forget what you know - [she breathed, reaching out to place her palm to his chest, right above his heart] - Listen to what you feel instead.
[What he felt had never been allowed to be a factor in his own life.
What he felt was always profoundly limited to the immediate, the short-term; not the higher goal, the higher good. He could never be satisfied with doing what he felt was right, versus doing what was right. (Some ancient saying, wasn't it…? 'Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right…')
What he felt, even when it could be momentarily entertained, was almost never something he could afford. Not when he'd then just have to push it down again to move forward.
What he felt. What he'd prevented himself from feeling. But what he'd felt again. The crack in the casement that was irreversible. That he didn[t want to reverse. What he'd found for the first time or been restored from long ago. With Jyn. So much of which had nothing to do with sexuality or romance and didn't need to be. (Trust. Recognition. Respect. Connection. Loyalty. Honesty. Humanity. Peace.)
But what he felt. Now. After all of that.
He'd been able to follow her onto paths he'd always wanted to walk, but just for himself, never could. He'd followed her and she'd let him walk beside her.
Do it again.]
I feel.
I love you.
I want you.
I want to give you everything the universe has stolen from you.
I want to be so selfish and find rest with you, in you, that I've never found anywhere else.
I want to hold you and make love to you and then fall asleep still holding you.
For the rest of my life.
I feel so tired of questioning if I should compromise you with me or reward myself with you.
I feel horrible for feeling that way when it's not just up to me and not just about me and shouldn't be.
I feel… I just want to trust…
Maybe I've made it impossible to feel like I can trust myself.
But I do trust you.
I feel like it can't be possible for the universe to work out this way when it never has before. But I feel like, with you, I can be… better.Life can be better. Hopefully for both of us.
I feel incapable of objectivity when I want so much. But I feel like maybe I should stop second-guessing everything because you might actually want me to kiss you, too.
[Not intentionally, but undeniably deeply nonetheless. Still, she kept steady for him, offering a stability that she felt maybe he wasn't terribly accustomed to, a reassurance that the both of them needed that although none of what they were choosing to face together would be easy, it was ultimately what they wanted.
The chance for a life together. The hope of having a future. And it was such a terrifying prospect, but Jyn wanted it - with Cassian - with everything that she was.]
I feel the same, you know. And ... I want to give you the exact things that you want to give me. And then I worry that it's not possible to find a sense of peace or security in the lives that we lead.
[She sighed shakily, but still continued on.]
I'm scared, too. But I know that I love you, and I know that I want whatever comes with that. And we can't think of each other in terms of rewards or consequences - because what we're choosing to be is so much more than either of those things.
We're choosing each other, day after day, no matter what comes, and not knowing what's going to come is ... kriff, so scary, but I know that whatever it is, I don't want to face anything without you by my side.
It won't be perfect. I'll be difficult. You might shut down. All we can do is take every moment as it comes, keep choosing each other, trust each other and make the effort not to fall apart ...
[She laughed then, a small sound, a scared sound, somehow hopeful anyway.]
It will be hard, but I want to believe that it'll be worth it, anyway. But you're not alone, Cassian, you don't have to be alone anymore if you don't want to be. I'm here. I won't go anywhere else unless you tell me, and even then, my heart will still always be yours.
I'm terrified, but I love you. I trust us. I hope you can learn to trust us, too.
[Gentle fingertips traced along one cheekbone, and when she spoke again, her voice was softer, fonder, less worried.]
I would very much like for you to kiss me again. If that's what you want, too.
[She'd chosen to say so much, and it was so right, so perfect… he couldn't begin to think how to tell her how grateful he was, how much he agreed, how mutual, how wonderful…
Well… for all he found it more rare, more incredible, more exquisite, that they were choosing to talk, bare themselves to one another in speech, not just leave the other to interpret an action…
…in this moment, at least, it felt like an action might indeed speak louder than words.
He touched her face, looked into her eyes, let his eyes crinkle and warm with an all-transforming smile, give one more gentle nod, then close that tiny remaining distance and press his softly parted lips to hers.]
[This wasn't the easiest conversation to have - but it was necessary to have it nonetheless, to make it known that they could share any worries or fears that they might have been having, that both were available to work out whatever was going on.
This was hard, she thought, her eyes meeting Cassian's, softening all the more to see the smile that he granted her, the knowledge that her words had landed directly where she wanted them to, but for you, for us, I will see it through.
Her sigh was muffled as she leaned all the closer, intent upon returning the kiss. What they spent the rest of the night doing didn't matter one way or another to Jyn, as long as they could spend it together.]
He had a hard time remembering when last he'd kissed or been kissed by someone as an end in of itself.
But then, he wasn't trying to remember. And if memories of other times tried to show their face, he'd brush them aside.
Not likely, though. His thoughts, his senses, were filled with her. Only her.
An end in of itself… but could also yield so well to continuing on…
His fingers in her hair, treasuring its flow and fall, and his other hand braced behind her, moving in so his arm touched her back…
He didn't want to take any action first. Even though he trusted her, that he wouldn't be unduly pressuring, it didn't feel right. Mutuality. Reciprocity. That was what he felt with Jyn. What he'd felt when they never made clear who was actually in charge of the Scarif incursion, knowing they didn't need to; they were seamlessly in accord, one commander in two people—
But don't think of Scarif either. (Harder though that was.)
Instead, he tried something with which he had far less practice.
[Jyn had never really had the luxury of time to enjoy moments like this - not that any experience she had had previously could ever compare. She had never cared for anyone like she cared for Cassian, and she knew that she never would again.
He was it for her. He was her person. He was her saving grace. He was her home.
They were two halves of the same whole.
For as much as she didn't want to push - to do anything to influence the decision as to what their next move would be, it was impossible to keep from responding to the feel of his fingers tangling in her hair, his arm curling around her, keeping her close, a soft shiver wracking her from head to foot to match the quiet groan that escaped her lips and vibrated against his.
This was only ever going to work if they were in agreement about what they wanted, not doing what they believed the other wanted.
There was no disappointment in her voice as the kiss came to an end and she struggled to find her breath, just a rough edge when she finally managed to reply - ] Yes. Probably better for your back if we do.
He kept his hand gentle on her back in descent. Not like she needed help lying down, but… like he wanted to… support her… or just move exactly with her.
And keep her in his arms as they lay flat, facing each other. And his arm beneath her found a new way to bend, to keep his palm against her back, and his other arm draped over her waist. His eyes again drinking her in like he couldn't quite believe the sight of her yet needed it to keep breathing.]
[Jyn made a noncommittal little noise in the back of her throat, but didn't argue. Didn't need to, not with how soon she found herself being gently guided to lie down, kept safe and steady by the hand splayed against her back.
No, she didn't need the assistance, but she appreciated it nonetheless, relished the way he kept close and didn't rest fully until they had found a way to lay comfortably together, so wrapped up that it would take time carefully extricate themselves if need be.
Force, Jyn hoped that nothing would require their immediate attention soon.
She was perfectly content just to be close, to rest quietly with each other, to let the last vestiges of her walls come crumbling down so that Cassian could make a home inside her heart with nothing to impede the way.
Jyn decided that she always wanted to see him just like this - young and happy and (for the moment) without worry.]
[No, not "good". Transcendent. Incredible. Beyond belief. Heavenly. More glad and grateful and incredulous and at peace than he's been his whole life.
And having no idea what to say. Finally, a little hoarse but still soft, he fell back on Caridan.] Me encantas.
[That opened up and allowed a little more wordflow.]
Really good.
[She might ask again, and if not, he knew at least she wouldn't mind if he preempted—] I don't know what I want right now. Nothing. Everything. To do whatever you want.
Even though she was still trying to ignore the small voice in the back of her head that tried to convince her that that was all just an incredibly vivid dream, that when she woke up, she would be alone and none of this would have happened.
But even if it were, she'd hold on to the memory of how she felt - how Cassian made her feel.
She didn't rush him to speak, choosing instead to quietly observe as he gathered enough of his thoughts to be able to answer the question. Where they had begun the night wasn't exactly where they needed to end it, and if this was all they did - spent the rest of it resting in each other's arms - she would be perfectly at ease.
So there was no disappointment in her eyes or her expression as she watched him, no hesitation as she continued tracing nondescript patterns against his arm where her hand rested, nothing but understanding in her voice when she offered - ]
[His smile was a little questioning, though the way it crinkled his eyes: entirely warm.]
…we're not both… dancing, are we? Avoiding each other? …'cause, it's true. I don't need to do anything else… you don't need to do anything else… for me to be very, very glad of you. Right now. Ever.
At the same time… I don't think you could push me into anything I don't want, too. I mean, it's hard to think of anything. …Anyway. I'll try to… be less worried about pushing you. I know you can tell me either way.
[Come to think of it, he hadn't been able to get her to do what he wanted when he was trying. We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!]
[That was the question, wasn't it? After everything they had admitted to each other, including fears and feelings, Jyn knew that she and Cassian both were still ... tiptoeing around each other a little. Despite the nature of her initial message, after all of that, the last thing Jyn wanted to do was jump into anything else, not while emotions were still high and there was so much to process.
Her answering smile - and the chuckle that came along with it - was just as warm. As was the gentle touch of her hand as she swiped the pad of her thumb along the side of his hand.]
I think we might be. But it's clearly not because we don't know what we want or trust what each other want. It's - it's not wanting to do the wrong thing which could lead to ... regret.
But I agree, Cassian. I don't need to do anything more than this to be happy with you. And ... whatever boundaries you might be worried about crossing ...
Don't be.
I trust you. I want you. I love you. And ... while I could kick your ass if I had to, I'd rather not. Ever. I want to take whatever step we're both ready to take, together.
[She was so good… so clear. Not just because of what she was choosing to say and how she was saying it, but because he knew it was true. Knew she meant it, and trusted her to understand what it meant.
Had he ever told her about Kay? The glitch in the reprogram—Kay's unfiltered, sometimes aggressive, honesty. He could have looked into "fixing", at least softening, that. He never had. Because he'd relished the chance of having one being, out of everyone in the universe, who was utterly, directly, unfilteredly honest with him. Not even compromising for niceties. Someone who would say exactly what he meant and meant exactly what he said. Something Cassian had never had with anyone in his life.
Jyn and Kay were so unlike each other (…thank the Force, given his profoundly different feelings for each of them). But, even though Jyn could and frequently did keep her thoughts to herself, rather than blurting them like Kay; and was extremely capable of deception, where Kay was hopeless at it; …to his amazement… the trust was the same. Kay couldn't help it, Jyn could, but he knew rooted into his flesh and organs and bones, that she wouldn't. Not in this. With him.
He wanted so badly to give her exactly the same.
…So, for a start, maybe try really trusting her. To stop if him if she wanted—it wouldn't take much, the slightest move or word from her; he was pretty sure she knew/believed that in turn. And not to be doing anything just for his sake, without her own genuine willingness/wanting, too.
So he folded himself once more against her, the whole of their bodies flush, interlocked; let his one hand run over the expanse (small as she was) of her back, shoulderblade to nape to nates and back; while the other mirrored hers upon him, moving to her cheek.
And said almost in a whisper:]
I've wanted you in my arms since you said Trust goes both ways.
I've wanted to make love with you since… I don't even know, I couldn't afford to let myself go there… but also then. Maybe earlier.
If I'm on the edge of a cliff: great. I'm good to fall.
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Date: 2019-08-06 10:11 am (UTC)Too many things.
That life is… a mess. But it feels like it makes sense, when I'm with you.
That this could be the rest of my life.
—That I shouldn't think things like that.
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Date: 2019-08-08 02:30 am (UTC)[And she did. The thoughts that Cassian voiced were the same sorts of thoughts that Jyn had had, too. And not only that, but the same thoughts that she had questioned much in the same way that he was admitting to doing himself.
Again, she offered a gentle, reassuring squeeze, and would have found a way to get closer if it wouldn't have involved sitting directly in his lap.
Not the best move to make at the moment.]
I want you to be a part of the rest of my life.
And I want to stop ...
Questioning if I deserve it.
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Date: 2019-08-09 02:47 am (UTC)[He said it as fact, without any hesitation. As his hand, unthinking, squeezed hers, back.]
You deserve so much better, so much good, in the universe, that you had stolen or never got. It's not a judgment on you that you've gone so long without.
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Date: 2019-08-10 06:09 am (UTC)If I do, then you do, too. We've both seen so much bad, Cassian, I just -
I'm unaccustomed to good.
I'm - afraid that I might lose it.
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Date: 2019-08-13 09:57 am (UTC)Though he didn't move his hand away, he did release his grip. His rock-steadiness more telling, maybe, than a tremor would have been.]
I… don't want you to lose anything. Even me. But I… I've not just "seen so much bad". I've done so much that… I definitely don't "deserve"…
I'm not looking for… [Reassurance or absolution, neither of which was hers to give… Except didn't he potentially trust her judgment over his own…?]
I want that too. To be a part of the rest of your life. So much. But…
[The more he tried to work through the thoughts before speaking, the more they circled in on themselves, revealing pitfalls and hypocrisies. But still couldn't be dismissed or ignored. At last, he hung his head, shaking it.] I'm sorry. I don't know. I want to be with you. But I don't know… I can't tell if I'm tricking you or not.
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Date: 2019-08-19 12:04 am (UTC)She listened. She kept close. What else could she do?
And although he had released his grip of her hand, she retained the contact by curling her fingers around his, squeezing gently. She could not absolve him of his sins - real or imagined, but she could accept him for all that he was, the black, the white, all the gray in-between.
Because she knew that he was doing exactly the same thing for her.]
...
Remember when you told me back in medbay that you were trying to avoid lying? Have you knowingly deceived me since then?
I know that I'll never know all the things you've had to do in order to survive, or the things you've been ordered to do in service of your job, but ... do you really think that I'm so innocent myself?
I have regrets. I - I have the same guilt that you do. But I know you, too, Cassian, I have seen the heart that lies beneath and it's good, it's so good.
I know who you are. I am choosing to be with you. And I want to spend the rest of my life by your side.
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Date: 2019-08-19 06:41 am (UTC)[Do you really think that I'm so innocent myself?] I think you've seen everything there is to see in this universe. [But I also wonder, if you… if you've… …he didn't want to land them in that game of trading sins; didn't want to coerce her into confessing anything to him, because she didn't have to, even were it his call. And wasn't sure, in the face of what she was laying out before him, for him, he could go back into his own either.
It's good, it's so good. The heart she described contracted and ached and took his breath with it.
I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. Maybe he wasn't protesting enough. Maybe he should now enumerate to her his every crime; every time he hurt someone when he didn't have to, his life hadn't depended on it and there had been other options; every time he'd met someone, while undercover, who wanted to leave the Empire, and he'd not only not taken them out with him but browbeaten them back into Imperial submission, just because of his lousy cover; every time he'd faked intimacy with someone in a way they didn't know was violating them; every time he'd chosen the right move, where Jyn—as far as he'd seen—would choose what was right.
But her words stole his voice. And when he regained any of it, he could only breathe,]
I love you, Jyn.
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Date: 2019-08-20 03:58 am (UTC)It would never be a competition, and she could never offer him forgiveness for the things he'd done, if that was what Cassian was looking for. But she could listen, and she could accept the deeds as part of who the war had forced him to become. She could care for him regardless of the sins that he felt he'd committed.
Who I am recognizes a kindred spirit in who you are.
For as much as Jyn didn't feel as though she deserved anything that Cassian was offering her, but it broke her heart to know how desperately he felt exactly the same. Whatever she was expecting, hearing him tell her that he loved her was not on her mind in the slightest. She took a great, shuddering breath and glanced down at her hands, hoping that she wasn't just going to ... burst into tears. It was so beautiful, hearing those words from Cassian, and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that he meant them.]
I love you, Cassian.
[Her heart beating erratically, Jyn reached out to take his hand once again.]
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Date: 2019-08-20 04:14 am (UTC)He didn't know if this was a deplorable move—mixing up that declaration with anything else, like physicality, as if that were a component or, worse, a requirement; or if it was simple honesty—and offering of himself, an action to go with the words. In any case, he leaned gently, quietly in, to kiss her.]
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Date: 2019-08-20 06:05 am (UTC)She wasn't entirely sure of what to say next or what to do or where to go - so she was grateful when it seemed that for the moment, nothing more needed to be said. Cassian leaned in to kiss her, and Jyn welcomed him easily, breathing out the softest little sigh as she settled more comfortably into it.
...
If they had to take a step back from what they had originally met her to do, that was fine by her. She could wait. Cassian and his comfort were well worth it. She'd wait until he was ready.
Always.]
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Date: 2019-08-30 09:05 am (UTC)She reciprocated… so warm, so quietly strong, Force-willed, self-contained, the capable and solitary and brilliant Jyn Erso… her smallest sigh was the most head-reeling sound he'd ever heard. The way they rested into one another, together… His hand slid to her back, slipping his arm around her, bringing their bodies still closer. He thought he could move toward it now and they'd lay down together…
Which was the risk and which the right way…? Let actions speak, trust her, both her actions and her words; prioritize that trust over his own self-doubt… or defer to the doubt because he'd relinquished anything else and always should…
Turning his face, so his forehead still touched hers but the rest moved apart, he worked on breathing. And finally exhaled a laugh and said quietly,] …I'm so bad at this. I have your explicit invitation and I'm still worried.
I know how to do things but never did them because I wanted to. Not until you. Only you.
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Date: 2019-09-05 09:17 pm (UTC)She could be patient in this. She could take one step at a time by his side, not leading ahead, not pushing behind. They would get there together or not at all.
His arm curled around her, and Jyn easily followed suit as Cassian urged her all the closer still, every inch of them touching from shoulder to thigh. If all they did was lie down together and entangle limbs until it was difficult to tell where one ended and the other began, she'd be perfectly content to do so. If they did more, she would be just as happy.
She welcomed him as he leaned his forehead against her, quiet and calm, waiting to hear what he would say, what he was thinking or feeling, what he wanted or what he didn't.
Her heart was so full of Cassian, but it still twisted painfully for him, too, the thought that he had never been granted a choice in something that was at it's core about choices - I am choosing to be with you, we are choosing to take this step together - the knowledge that he didn't know what to do with himself or even what was right now that he was being given the freedom to choose.
Jyn exhaled, slowly and steadily.]
So ... forget what you know - [she breathed, reaching out to place her palm to his chest, right above his heart] - Listen to what you feel instead.
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Date: 2019-09-10 07:48 am (UTC)What he felt was always profoundly limited to the immediate, the short-term; not the higher goal, the higher good. He could never be satisfied with doing what he felt was right, versus doing what was right. (Some ancient saying, wasn't it…? 'Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right…')
What he felt, even when it could be momentarily entertained, was almost never something he could afford. Not when he'd then just have to push it down again to move forward.
What he felt. What he'd prevented himself from feeling. But what he'd felt again. The crack in the casement that was irreversible. That he didn[t want to reverse. What he'd found for the first time or been restored from long ago. With Jyn. So much of which had nothing to do with sexuality or romance and didn't need to be. (Trust. Recognition. Respect. Connection. Loyalty. Honesty. Humanity. Peace.)
But what he felt. Now. After all of that.
He'd been able to follow her onto paths he'd always wanted to walk, but just for himself, never could. He'd followed her and she'd let him walk beside her.
Do it again.]
I feel.
I love you.
I want you.
I want to give you everything the universe has stolen from you.
I want to be so selfish and find rest with you, in you, that I've never found anywhere else.
I want to hold you and make love to you and then fall asleep still holding you.
For the rest of my life.
I feel so tired of questioning if I should compromise you with me or reward myself with you.
I feel horrible for feeling that way when it's not just up to me and not just about me and shouldn't be.
I feel… I just want to trust…
Maybe I've made it impossible to feel like I can trust myself.
But I do trust you.
I feel like it can't be possible for the universe to work out this way when it never has before. But I feel like, with you, I can be… better. Life can be better. Hopefully for both of us.
I feel incapable of objectivity when I want so much. But I feel like maybe I should stop second-guessing everything because you might actually want me to kiss you, too.
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Date: 2019-09-29 07:06 am (UTC)[Not intentionally, but undeniably deeply nonetheless. Still, she kept steady for him, offering a stability that she felt maybe he wasn't terribly accustomed to, a reassurance that the both of them needed that although none of what they were choosing to face together would be easy, it was ultimately what they wanted.
The chance for a life together. The hope of having a future. And it was such a terrifying prospect, but Jyn wanted it - with Cassian - with everything that she was.]
I feel the same, you know. And ... I want to give you the exact things that you want to give me. And then I worry that it's not possible to find a sense of peace or security in the lives that we lead.
[She sighed shakily, but still continued on.]
I'm scared, too. But I know that I love you, and I know that I want whatever comes with that. And we can't think of each other in terms of rewards or consequences - because what we're choosing to be is so much more than either of those things.
We're choosing each other, day after day, no matter what comes, and not knowing what's going to come is ... kriff, so scary, but I know that whatever it is, I don't want to face anything without you by my side.
It won't be perfect. I'll be difficult. You might shut down. All we can do is take every moment as it comes, keep choosing each other, trust each other and make the effort not to fall apart ...
[She laughed then, a small sound, a scared sound, somehow hopeful anyway.]
It will be hard, but I want to believe that it'll be worth it, anyway. But you're not alone, Cassian, you don't have to be alone anymore if you don't want to be. I'm here. I won't go anywhere else unless you tell me, and even then, my heart will still always be yours.
I'm terrified, but I love you. I trust us. I hope you can learn to trust us, too.
[Gentle fingertips traced along one cheekbone, and when she spoke again, her voice was softer, fonder, less worried.]
I would very much like for you to kiss me again. If that's what you want, too.
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Date: 2019-11-01 10:44 am (UTC)Well… for all he found it more rare, more incredible, more exquisite, that they were choosing to talk, bare themselves to one another in speech, not just leave the other to interpret an action…
…in this moment, at least, it felt like an action might indeed speak louder than words.
He touched her face, looked into her eyes, let his eyes crinkle and warm with an all-transforming smile, give one more gentle nod, then close that tiny remaining distance and press his softly parted lips to hers.]
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Date: 2019-11-04 05:54 pm (UTC)This was hard, she thought, her eyes meeting Cassian's, softening all the more to see the smile that he granted her, the knowledge that her words had landed directly where she wanted them to, but for you, for us, I will see it through.
Her sigh was muffled as she leaned all the closer, intent upon returning the kiss. What they spent the rest of the night doing didn't matter one way or another to Jyn, as long as they could spend it together.]
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Date: 2019-11-08 07:15 am (UTC)He had a hard time remembering when last he'd kissed or been kissed by someone as an end in of itself.
But then, he wasn't trying to remember. And if memories of other times tried to show their face, he'd brush them aside.
Not likely, though. His thoughts, his senses, were filled with her. Only her.
An end in of itself… but could also yield so well to continuing on…
His fingers in her hair, treasuring its flow and fall, and his other hand braced behind her, moving in so his arm touched her back…
He didn't want to take any action first. Even though he trusted her, that he wouldn't be unduly pressuring, it didn't feel right. Mutuality. Reciprocity. That was what he felt with Jyn. What he'd felt when they never made clear who was actually in charge of the Scarif incursion, knowing they didn't need to; they were seamlessly in accord, one commander in two people—
But don't think of Scarif either. (Harder though that was.)
Instead, he tried something with which he had far less practice.
Speaking.]
Should we lie down?
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Date: 2019-11-10 05:28 pm (UTC)He was it for her. He was her person. He was her saving grace. He was her home.
They were two halves of the same whole.
For as much as she didn't want to push - to do anything to influence the decision as to what their next move would be, it was impossible to keep from responding to the feel of his fingers tangling in her hair, his arm curling around her, keeping her close, a soft shiver wracking her from head to foot to match the quiet groan that escaped her lips and vibrated against his.
This was only ever going to work if they were in agreement about what they wanted, not doing what they believed the other wanted.
There was no disappointment in her voice as the kiss came to an end and she struggled to find her breath, just a rough edge when she finally managed to reply - ] Yes. Probably better for your back if we do.
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Date: 2019-11-11 02:17 am (UTC)[But that wasn't a disagreement.
He kept his hand gentle on her back in descent. Not like she needed help lying down, but… like he wanted to… support her… or just move exactly with her.
And keep her in his arms as they lay flat, facing each other. And his arm beneath her found a new way to bend, to keep his palm against her back, and his other arm draped over her waist. His eyes again drinking her in like he couldn't quite believe the sight of her yet needed it to keep breathing.]
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Date: 2019-11-17 10:11 pm (UTC)No, she didn't need the assistance, but she appreciated it nonetheless, relished the way he kept close and didn't rest fully until they had found a way to lay comfortably together, so wrapped up that it would take time carefully extricate themselves if need be.
Force, Jyn hoped that nothing would require their immediate attention soon.
She was perfectly content just to be close, to rest quietly with each other, to let the last vestiges of her walls come crumbling down so that Cassian could make a home inside her heart with nothing to impede the way.
Jyn decided that she always wanted to see him just like this - young and happy and (for the moment) without worry.]
Still good?
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Date: 2019-11-22 04:47 am (UTC)And having no idea what to say. Finally, a little hoarse but still soft, he fell back on Caridan.] Me encantas.
[That opened up and allowed a little more wordflow.]
Really good.
[She might ask again, and if not, he knew at least she wouldn't mind if he preempted—] I don't know what I want right now. Nothing. Everything. To do whatever you want.
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Date: 2019-11-28 07:14 pm (UTC)Even though she was still trying to ignore the small voice in the back of her head that tried to convince her that that was all just an incredibly vivid dream, that when she woke up, she would be alone and none of this would have happened.
But even if it were, she'd hold on to the memory of how she felt - how Cassian made her feel.
She didn't rush him to speak, choosing instead to quietly observe as he gathered enough of his thoughts to be able to answer the question. Where they had begun the night wasn't exactly where they needed to end it, and if this was all they did - spent the rest of it resting in each other's arms - she would be perfectly at ease.
So there was no disappointment in her eyes or her expression as she watched him, no hesitation as she continued tracing nondescript patterns against his arm where her hand rested, nothing but understanding in her voice when she offered - ]
Being here with you is enough.
/hopes very much I'm not repeating things I've already written in another of our threads!/
Date: 2020-01-19 04:46 am (UTC)…we're not both… dancing, are we? Avoiding each other? …'cause, it's true. I don't need to do anything else… you don't need to do anything else… for me to be very, very glad of you. Right now. Ever.
At the same time… I don't think you could push me into anything I don't want, too. I mean, it's hard to think of anything. …Anyway. I'll try to… be less worried about pushing you. I know you can tell me either way.
[Come to think of it, he hadn't been able to get her to do what he wanted when he was trying. We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!]
Or kick my ass if you had to.
I never want you to have to.
haha i don't think you are, but no worries even if we're retreading something, no complaint here
Date: 2020-02-01 10:09 am (UTC)Her answering smile - and the chuckle that came along with it - was just as warm. As was the gentle touch of her hand as she swiped the pad of her thumb along the side of his hand.]
I think we might be. But it's clearly not because we don't know what we want or trust what each other want. It's - it's not wanting to do the wrong thing which could lead to ... regret.
But I agree, Cassian. I don't need to do anything more than this to be happy with you. And ... whatever boundaries you might be worried about crossing ...
Don't be.
I trust you. I want you. I love you. And ... while I could kick your ass if I had to, I'd rather not. Ever. I want to take whatever step we're both ready to take, together.
Don't know WHY I got so stuck on this tag, but here I go FINALLY…!!
Date: 2020-03-04 01:05 am (UTC)Had he ever told her about Kay? The glitch in the reprogram—Kay's unfiltered, sometimes aggressive, honesty. He could have looked into "fixing", at least softening, that. He never had. Because he'd relished the chance of having one being, out of everyone in the universe, who was utterly, directly, unfilteredly honest with him. Not even compromising for niceties. Someone who would say exactly what he meant and meant exactly what he said. Something Cassian had never had with anyone in his life.
Jyn and Kay were so unlike each other (…thank the Force, given his profoundly different feelings for each of them). But, even though Jyn could and frequently did keep her thoughts to herself, rather than blurting them like Kay; and was extremely capable of deception, where Kay was hopeless at it; …to his amazement… the trust was the same. Kay couldn't help it, Jyn could, but he knew rooted into his flesh and organs and bones, that she wouldn't. Not in this. With him.
He wanted so badly to give her exactly the same.
…So, for a start, maybe try really trusting her. To stop if him if she wanted—it wouldn't take much, the slightest move or word from her; he was pretty sure she knew/believed that in turn. And not to be doing anything just for his sake, without her own genuine willingness/wanting, too.
So he folded himself once more against her, the whole of their bodies flush, interlocked; let his one hand run over the expanse (small as she was) of her back, shoulderblade to nape to nates and back; while the other mirrored hers upon him, moving to her cheek.
And said almost in a whisper:]
I've wanted you in my arms since you said Trust goes both ways.
I've wanted to make love with you since… I don't even know, I couldn't afford to let myself go there… but also then. Maybe earlier.
If I'm on the edge of a cliff: great. I'm good to fall.
It happens! But I will always wait <3
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