[…Cassian had quite a lot of—and varied—experience. Including some that involved superficial, circumstantial similarities to this one.
He'd never felt anything remotely like this.
The electricity that coursed through them, reciprocal feedback, how the air itself seemed to vibrate near her, let alone when and where they actually touched…
Was it having her kneeling before him, the kiss she placed on his leg, or…? yes, it was definitely: that mischievous little smile. That made him suddenly have to focus hard on his mental regimen to keep his autonomic reflexes from… reflexing.
Usually, he had exceptional control.
Thing was… it had been years… of being (by choice or mostly not) in all sorts of situations and gaining all sorts of experiences, but always fundamentally wondering—What it be like to do this because he wanted to? With someone he liked?
And here they were. Here she was.
He succeeded in diminishing in his involuntary response—partly. But what she'd just done still had an obvious effect.]
Cassian hadn't had to come out share those experiences nor the circumstances in which he had had them, but he'd shared enough of his past to know that this was something of a rarity for him -
Choosing to be with her. Wanting to be with her.
But then, she had never really felt anything quite like this before, either, the connection, the spark that passed between the both of them as they cared for each other in this brand new (and sort of terrifying) way. It was all so new, but Jyn welcomed each new step they took with each other.
She was not at all unaware of the effect all of this was having on Cassian, but Jyn brought not attention to it as she slowly got to her feet and stepped a little closer, handing the soap back over with that same small smile lifting her lips.]
You know - [she started, conversationally enough, slightly teasing, but still very, very honest] You don't have to hold anything back from me.
[Her gaze was warm, her movements slow and deliberate as she reached out to set her palm lightly against his hip, completing the contact circuit between them, even while maintaining a respectable distance from each other - at least as respectable as sharing a shower cubicle could offer.
Jyn wanted to be closer, but she wasn't keen on rushing anything along, especially in the wake of that admittance. It did help settle some of her nerves, though, since she found herself in the exact same position.
This wanting was different to anything Jyn had known before, but then, she had never felt anything quite like what she felt for Cassian. And if he thought that the way he was laying himself bare in front of her wasn't sexy, then he had another thing coming. Sexy didn't always have to do with the physical, it could be tied into the emotional as well.]
Perfect sense. [She nodded slightly, her grip tightening just so.] I don't really know what I'm doing, either, what I'm supposed to do or say or - anything.
But I was hoping that maybe we could learn together.
[The humming of molecules, vibrating existence, every where they touched; and the thrumming of her palm on his hip travelled straight through him, to the core.
Mirroring her, slow and careful, but maybe not so tentative, he ran his palm down her side and settled it, like hers on him, at her hip.
Learn together. Yes. No amount of technical knowledge could replace individual familiarity. But this was so much more, so beyond just that.
[It did sound wonderful. And more than she had ever hoped to find with Cassian, so Jyn wasn't going to take a single second of any of this for granted. She wanted to commit every moment to memory, wanted to relish every touch (and although they hadn't even kissed yet, oh, how she wanted to relish that, too), wanted to make the most of this time they had been granted.]
So, if we're done in here …
[Her lips curved upward slyly and she shrugged, even though she made no effort to move away just quite yet.
If they were done in the shower, perhaps they could get out, dry off, discover what was going to happen next, together.]
[Small, but more than enough to stoke the warmth gathering in the pit of her belly. Small, but more than enough for Jyn to want to commit to memory, as well.
Jyn might have shivered a bit as Cassian reached around her to shut the water off, but she wasn't cold and wasn't nervous.
Just … anticipating.
She laughed a bit in the wake of the question, shrugging one shoulder slightly.] Towel. The hair kind of makes it a necessity.
[I want to know everything you're willing to share with me. Even the mundane details. Especially the mundane details.]
Depends how much time I have and how presentable I have to look. Both or neither. But towels are nicer.
[His arm hovered a moment longer; its hand lit for an instant on her back.
Then he did that sort-of-blush thing again (ridiculous, they'd hardly just arrived in this situation), and opened the door, for her to step out first.]
[Jyn understood. She was far more used to quick and efficient not only when it came to bathing but in drying off as well. Towels were nice, but she was more accustomed to dressing and moving on.
Her smile softened as she felt the light, fleeting touch of hand to back, and it was a little ridiculous to feel the heat warm her cheeks even in the wake of it.
Jyn said nothing as she nodded her understanding, taking one step before reaching back to catch his fingers with hers to lead Cassian out as well.]
[Their joining of hands made definitely color rise in his cheeks; and more warmth in his eyes; and his fingers curled gently back around hers. He might have blushed further at the question, if one could tell…?]
[The high color in her cheeks was a match, but Jyn didn't find it a weakness or a liability more than she wanted Cassian to know without question that she was as affected by … all of this as he was.
She paused only long enough to open the panel that he'd directed to, pulling out a towel for him, and then one for her, only disappointed when the hand-holding had to come to an end in order to let the drying commence.]
I wasn't planning on going anywhere else, either. [Her smile widened even as the color in her cheeks deepened.] I'd - yeah, I'd like to stay.
[A quick grin—easy and warm, so incongruous with his spy and captain faces, a glimpse of the person he might have been if not for… everything. But not alien to Jyn, 'cause when he did it at all, it tended to be to her. He accepted the towel, dried off quickly but not rushing, the cursory scrub to his hair leaving it wild, and finally, after a hesitation, wrapped it around his waist; thinking it a bit silly to cover up now, not wanting her to think either of them need hide now—but ultimately it was just where it best went for walking into the other room.]
The heating's pretty good, for Hoth, but… you know. I have things you can borrow. Or… you know. Blankets.
[Trying so hard to neither suggest nor not suggest. Like this was perfectly normal and they'd done it many times.
'Cause… that was an achingly good imagining. Comfortable and easy and having known her all his life.]
[It's a phenomenon that Jyn thought she would always be incredibly fortunate to bear witness to - that light in his eyes when he looked at her, how easily he smiled. Sometimes, she marveled that she could offer the same, that she even still had the capability to be soft and warm and loving after all she had endured, all she had seen and done …
But here they were. And she was laughing as she reached up to tousle his messy hair before drying off as quickly and efficiently as Cassian had, her own hair a wild, wavy cloud framing her face.
Following his lead, Jyn soon wrapped her towel securely around her and once more reached for his hand in order to re-establish contact. She appreciated the careful way he continued making it clear that he had no expectations of her and how the rest of the night was going to go.
Truth was, even though this had started one way, Jyn didn't have any expectations of Cassian, either. They could just … go to sleep together, and that would be more than enough for her.]
Yeah. You could always keep me warm, too.
{Not entirely innocuous, but not entirely explicit in its meaning. That could be determined once the time came.
(It was an achingly good imagining - one that Jyn indulged in more than she felt was healthy.) They had right now, though, and it was real, and it felt just as good.]
[His smile turned… shyer? when she ruffled his hair, and as he reached up, in turn, to touch hers.
Likewise, when she reached for his hand, he immediately reached back.
His fingers curled a little more tightly around hers at her suggestion. Though he said it gently, every fiber in him was tangibly vibrating:]
That's the best idea I've ever heard.
[He knew how to be smooth… but that was technique, not him. He was never going to technique her. And, with her, he didn't want to try to be anyone but himself. They both required that. So, even while very clearly, in the faint hunch of his shoulders and slight smile, rolling his eyes at himself, he went for awkward as feke.]
If one of us had hypothermia, best thing would be under the blankets skin-to-skin. Which… is where my mind is now. But… there's no need to move fast. I have sleepwear enough for both of us. Which would be comfortable, too.
[His smile turned sweeter and made her feel radiant, and the ache in Jyn's heart only intensified to see it, to watch as he returned the gesture and touched her still-damp hair, too.
Her own smile ticked a few degrees wider at how quickly he reached out for her, bridging what little gap remained between them, how quickly and gently he wrapped his calloused fingers around hers, giving her reassurance again that yes, this was what he wanted, too, it wasn't just her.
Jyn wanted to offer some sort of an answer but found the words lacking. She hoped that her unguarded smile and the light in her eyes were enough to show just how much she liked the idea, too.
For as difficult as it was to lay themselves bare in front of each other, Jyn was glad to have the opportunity to ... let each other in. Even if that meant letting each other see their awkwardness, their shyness, the vulnerability that they couldn't show to anyone else in any other situation.
So - if Cassian thought he was rambling, Jyn was hanging on to every word. It was an understandable place for his mind to go, in any case. But - ]
My mind is with yours. But I also think that if you want to, I can borrow a shirt and you can wear the bottoms and we'll ... meet in the middle. Avoid making unncessary dirty laundry.
[Jyn couldn't judge. She and Cassian both had spent the majority of their lives being anything but open and honest and vulnerable. Vulnerability was tantamount to weakness, and showing weakness got you killed.
But here, they were as safe as they were probably ever going to be. They trusted each other, very clearly wanted each other. The difficulty lied in baring themselves and running the risk of being hurt. She didn't know the first thing about sharing real intimacy with another being, but for as much as she'd convinced herself that she was only ever going to make mistakes and Cassian would end up regretting giving her such unfettered access to him, she couldn't stomach the thought of backing out now.
Even if nothing physical happened, they were still approaching the point of no return.
[What was that about having control? One of his hands went to the knot of the towel to keep it in place.
But who wanted to focus on that? The smile that dawned on his face, the openness of his eyes taking her in, were absolute, without distraction. Slowly, somewhere between questioning and answering, his other hand moved to her face. His fingers and eyes both traced the line of her jaw, the curve of her cheek, the edge of her lips.]
[Jyn's got no room to talk when it came to letting go. But she wanted to be able to with Cassian - to give herself wholly to him, to trust herself enough to do so without running from the potential aftermath.
Not that she's got any real reason to believe that he would - somehow - not want her anymore when he'd proven exactly the opposite with all the times he'd come back for her when he hadn't had to.
Wryly, she thought, this was what a lifetime of abandonment issues has gotten her.
But she concentrated on Cassian instead - on the smile that bloomed into life, on the way he observed her, like he was seeing her - really seeing her, the real Jyn Erso that had been hiding beneath her tough exterior for most of her life - for the first time.
And ... the prospect didn't terrify her quite as much as she thought it would. She kept still as Cassian reached out to touch, trace the details of her face so gently, like he might have been memorizing the touch and feel and her reactions for later.
A part of her might have wanted to delve into the girlish and delicate (concepts that have always been utterly alien to her)_and wait for Cassian to make his move, maybe murmur that she would really rather like for him to kiss her, but a much larger part of her felt like she couldn't possibly wait any longer to take matters into her own hands first.
They had been dancing around each other for so long, and now that they were here ...
It was clear which part prevailed in the instant that she breached the miniscule distance between them, stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against Cassian's in a kiss that was gentle and tentative ... but not without intent.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-09-10 06:15 am (UTC)He'd never felt anything remotely like this.
The electricity that coursed through them, reciprocal feedback, how the air itself seemed to vibrate near her, let alone when and where they actually touched…
Was it having her kneeling before him, the kiss she placed on his leg, or…? yes, it was definitely: that mischievous little smile. That made him suddenly have to focus hard on his mental regimen to keep his autonomic reflexes from… reflexing.
Usually, he had exceptional control.
Thing was… it had been years… of being (by choice or mostly not) in all sorts of situations and gaining all sorts of experiences, but always fundamentally wondering—What it be like to do this because he wanted to? With someone he liked?
And here they were. Here she was.
He succeeded in diminishing in his involuntary response—partly. But what she'd just done still had an obvious effect.]
no subject
Date: 2019-09-19 06:43 am (UTC)Cassian hadn't had to come out share those experiences nor the circumstances in which he had had them, but he'd shared enough of his past to know that this was something of a rarity for him -
Choosing to be with her. Wanting to be with her.
But then, she had never really felt anything quite like this before, either, the connection, the spark that passed between the both of them as they cared for each other in this brand new (and sort of terrifying) way. It was all so new, but Jyn welcomed each new step they took with each other.
She was not at all unaware of the effect all of this was having on Cassian, but Jyn brought not attention to it as she slowly got to her feet and stepped a little closer, handing the soap back over with that same small smile lifting her lips.]
You know - [she started, conversationally enough, slightly teasing, but still very, very honest] You don't have to hold anything back from me.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-01 11:04 am (UTC)[His tone was joking, back… but this was too important to leave at that, even if his eyes dropped again.
Grr… how to say what might need saying without completely ruining the wonderfully light and gentle mood between them right now…?
Finally settled on—with his hand running gently over the rise her shoulder, his gaze adoring and appreciative in its wake:]
It's not usually safe to let on that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.
Not terribly sexy. But… also… surprisingly… good? Am I making any sense?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-04 05:22 pm (UTC)Jyn wanted to be closer, but she wasn't keen on rushing anything along, especially in the wake of that admittance. It did help settle some of her nerves, though, since she found herself in the exact same position.
This wanting was different to anything Jyn had known before, but then, she had never felt anything quite like what she felt for Cassian. And if he thought that the way he was laying himself bare in front of her wasn't sexy, then he had another thing coming. Sexy didn't always have to do with the physical, it could be tied into the emotional as well.]
Perfect sense. [She nodded slightly, her grip tightening just so.] I don't really know what I'm doing, either, what I'm supposed to do or say or - anything.
But I was hoping that maybe we could learn together.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-08 07:34 am (UTC)Mirroring her, slow and careful, but maybe not so tentative, he ran his palm down her side and settled it, like hers on him, at her hip.
Learn together. Yes. No amount of technical knowledge could replace individual familiarity. But this was so much more, so beyond just that.
Voice quiet, eyes alight:] That sounds wonderful.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-10 03:42 pm (UTC)So, if we're done in here …
[Her lips curved upward slyly and she shrugged, even though she made no effort to move away just quite yet.
If they were done in the shower, perhaps they could get out, dry off, discover what was going to happen next, together.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-22 05:08 am (UTC)I think so.
[He reached gently past her, like before, to turn off the water.
Then let his hand on the controls (and arm around her) hover a moment, to ask:] Air dry or towel?
[Not just procedural questions. He was fascinated to know all her preferences. For everything.]
no subject
Date: 2019-11-28 06:21 pm (UTC)Jyn might have shivered a bit as Cassian reached around her to shut the water off, but she wasn't cold and wasn't nervous.
Just … anticipating.
She laughed a bit in the wake of the question, shrugging one shoulder slightly.] Towel. The hair kind of makes it a necessity.
[I want to know everything you're willing to share with me. Even the mundane details. Especially the mundane details.]
You?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-29 04:00 am (UTC)[His arm hovered a moment longer; its hand lit for an instant on her back.
Then he did that sort-of-blush thing again (ridiculous, they'd hardly just arrived in this situation), and opened the door, for her to step out first.]
Behind the panel to your left.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 01:17 am (UTC)Her smile softened as she felt the light, fleeting touch of hand to back, and it was a little ridiculous to feel the heat warm her cheeks even in the wake of it.
Jyn said nothing as she nodded her understanding, taking one step before reaching back to catch his fingers with hers to lead Cassian out as well.]
Are we making ourselves presentable, then?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-05 08:30 am (UTC)I… wasn't planning on… going out again, tonight.
Of course we can if you want to.
…You're also welcome… to… stay.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-08 06:51 pm (UTC)She paused only long enough to open the panel that he'd directed to, pulling out a towel for him, and then one for her, only disappointed when the hand-holding had to come to an end in order to let the drying commence.]
I wasn't planning on going anywhere else, either. [Her smile widened even as the color in her cheeks deepened.] I'd - yeah, I'd like to stay.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-09 10:56 pm (UTC)The heating's pretty good, for Hoth, but… you know. I have things you can borrow. Or… you know. Blankets.
[Trying so hard to neither suggest nor not suggest. Like this was perfectly normal and they'd done it many times.
'Cause… that was an achingly good imagining. Comfortable and easy and having known her all his life.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-12 07:11 pm (UTC)But here they were. And she was laughing as she reached up to tousle his messy hair before drying off as quickly and efficiently as Cassian had, her own hair a wild, wavy cloud framing her face.
Following his lead, Jyn soon wrapped her towel securely around her and once more reached for his hand in order to re-establish contact. She appreciated the careful way he continued making it clear that he had no expectations of her and how the rest of the night was going to go.
Truth was, even though this had started one way, Jyn didn't have any expectations of Cassian, either. They could just … go to sleep together, and that would be more than enough for her.]
Yeah. You could always keep me warm, too.
{Not entirely innocuous, but not entirely explicit in its meaning. That could be determined once the time came.
(It was an achingly good imagining - one that Jyn indulged in more than she felt was healthy.) They had right now, though, and it was real, and it felt just as good.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-13 09:10 am (UTC)Likewise, when she reached for his hand, he immediately reached back.
His fingers curled a little more tightly around hers at her suggestion. Though he said it gently, every fiber in him was tangibly vibrating:]
That's the best idea I've ever heard.
[He knew how to be smooth… but that was technique, not him. He was never going to technique her. And, with her, he didn't want to try to be anyone but himself. They both required that. So, even while very clearly, in the faint hunch of his shoulders and slight smile, rolling his eyes at himself, he went for awkward as feke.]
If one of us had hypothermia, best thing would be under the blankets skin-to-skin. Which… is where my mind is now. But… there's no need to move fast. I have sleepwear enough for both of us. Which would be comfortable, too.
no subject
Date: 2020-02-01 07:13 am (UTC)Her own smile ticked a few degrees wider at how quickly he reached out for her, bridging what little gap remained between them, how quickly and gently he wrapped his calloused fingers around hers, giving her reassurance again that yes, this was what he wanted, too, it wasn't just her.
Jyn wanted to offer some sort of an answer but found the words lacking. She hoped that her unguarded smile and the light in her eyes were enough to show just how much she liked the idea, too.
For as difficult as it was to lay themselves bare in front of each other, Jyn was glad to have the opportunity to ... let each other in. Even if that meant letting each other see their awkwardness, their shyness, the vulnerability that they couldn't show to anyone else in any other situation.
So - if Cassian thought he was rambling, Jyn was hanging on to every word. It was an understandable place for his mind to go, in any case. But - ]
My mind is with yours. But I also think that if you want to, I can borrow a shirt and you can wear the bottoms and we'll ... meet in the middle. Avoid making unncessary dirty laundry.
no subject
Date: 2020-02-04 06:51 am (UTC)[He bit his lip to stop himself saying anything too much… then remembered that they were trying to say too much. Say everything.]
…you saw what I want.
[And he'd downplayed and she'd said it was okay. But perhaps he'd been a little lying with politeness, then, and maybe, maybe she hadn't been…?]
I want… anything you want to give. Or have. With me.
no subject
Date: 2020-02-11 08:42 pm (UTC)But here, they were as safe as they were probably ever going to be. They trusted each other, very clearly wanted each other. The difficulty lied in baring themselves and running the risk of being hurt. She didn't know the first thing about sharing real intimacy with another being, but for as much as she'd convinced herself that she was only ever going to make mistakes and Cassian would end up regretting giving her such unfettered access to him, she couldn't stomach the thought of backing out now.
Even if nothing physical happened, they were still approaching the point of no return.
Okay. Honesty. No holding back.]
I want everything with you.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-03 06:47 am (UTC)But who wanted to focus on that? The smile that dawned on his face, the openness of his eyes taking her in, were absolute, without distraction. Slowly, somewhere between questioning and answering, his other hand moved to her face. His fingers and eyes both traced the line of her jaw, the curve of her cheek, the edge of her lips.]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-11 10:05 pm (UTC)Not that she's got any real reason to believe that he would - somehow - not want her anymore when he'd proven exactly the opposite with all the times he'd come back for her when he hadn't had to.
Wryly, she thought, this was what a lifetime of abandonment issues has gotten her.
But she concentrated on Cassian instead - on the smile that bloomed into life, on the way he observed her, like he was seeing her - really seeing her, the real Jyn Erso that had been hiding beneath her tough exterior for most of her life - for the first time.
And ... the prospect didn't terrify her quite as much as she thought it would. She kept still as Cassian reached out to touch, trace the details of her face so gently, like he might have been memorizing the touch and feel and her reactions for later.
A part of her might have wanted to delve into the girlish and delicate (concepts that have always been utterly alien to her)_and wait for Cassian to make his move, maybe murmur that she would really rather like for him to kiss her, but a much larger part of her felt like she couldn't possibly wait any longer to take matters into her own hands first.
They had been dancing around each other for so long, and now that they were here ...
It was clear which part prevailed in the instant that she breached the miniscule distance between them, stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against Cassian's in a kiss that was gentle and tentative ... but not without intent.
Patience never had been her best asset, anyway.]