[The silence is deafening. All Jyn can hear is the rhythmic pounding of her heartbeat as she waits for Ben to process what she's sharing with him, nervous anticipation twisting her stomach as she waits for him to say something in return.
Still, the corners of her lips pull up into a small, wry smile when he asserts that she isn't the type that's capable of being terrible. It's not true, of course. Everybody has the capability. And Jyn has already proven that she can lash out if she's feeling hurt.
Finally, she feels steady enough to release her grip on the door, opening it fully to Ben, who is still standing outside. She steps back and sits at the edge of the bed with a sigh.]
I told you that I didn't want you here anymore because I was upset that you were flirting with another woman. That's - that's pretty awful.
[Jyn hopes that Ben will take the unspoken invitation and come inside. She hates the distance that remains between them - even though he says the words that she's always wanted him to say.
For as much as she wants to throw all caution to the wind and say yes, she has just broken up with her long-term boyfriend and hasn't had nearly enough time to process her own emotions about it. Jumping into anything right now - even with Ben - would probably just lead to disaster.
This may indeed be the worst possible time for any of this to be happening.
Despite that - ]
I do, Ben. I'm just -
I'm so …
[Again, a sigh. Frustrated. Not with him - rather, with herself. With the timing. With missing out during all the years they could have been something.]
[He takes her up on her invitation and follows her into her bedroom. His brain immediately starts flashing with warning signs - this is a dangerous territory to put themselves in despite their admissions to each other.
Ben watches as she sits on her bed. He himself walks into her bedroom but leans back against the wall next to her bedroom door. He’s not sure what would happen if he goes and sits next to her.]
I’m scared, too.
Doesn’t mean we can’t...give it a try And if it doesn’t work, I mean…
[He trails off with a shrug. If it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. There’s still a possibility of them being friends after this failed experiment...at least he hopes that’s the case.]
[For as much as Jyn wants Ben to sit beside her, to be able to share reassurance and comfort, she realizes that maybe it's best that they do keep some distance between them. It's been a long night. They're both a still a little inebriated and this talk has been nothing if not rife with emotions.
So she watches as Ben follows her into her modest bedroom but stops just inside the doorway, making the choice to lean against the wall instead of sit anywhere near her.
Jyn doesn't know what might happen if he sits next to her, either. And the last thing she wants is to make a move to fuc up before anything ever really even begins.
She takes a breath, nodding her understanding. But when she lifts her gaze far enough to meet Ben's, it's with the same worry knot between her eyebrows.]
You know as well as I do that there's no guarantee that we'll be able to be just friends. And what if one of us ends up ... resenting the other? I don't want to lose you, Ben.
[Ben listens to her - really listens. He takes in what she says. He doesn’t jump to speak or interrupt her.
Ben has always respected her. He’s always cared about her. All he wants is to see her happy. And so when she voices her concerns about possibly resenting each other if this doesn’t work out - about losing him - he can’t argue with her.]
You’re...you’re right. There’s no guarantee.
[He looks away. There’s a pain in his chest.]
I, uh...I’m going...to sleep, I think.
[Ben turns away. She’d said what she needed and wanted to say, it seems. It’s not his place to try and change her mind.]
[It isn't that Jyn is trying to say that there's no chance of taking the step into a relationship! It's just that ... being honest with each other is important, and after admitting their feelings, she doesn't want anything to be left in the shadows, unsaid and unknown.
Including her fears or his concerns. All the things they've been holding onto for so long without ever actually saying to each other.
But it's silent, and the silence settles heavily over her as she sits and fidgets with hands that she doesn't know what else to do with and Jyn wonders - Jyn worries - that she's somehow, in the course of trying to be completely honest with Ben, ruined any chance they might have had to take a step into the unknown together.
Knowing her luck, she probably has.
Fresh tears burn and prickle the insides of her eyelids and she thinks she's never hurt worse than she does in the moment - a moment that should have felt nothing but hopeful. And it's all her fault.]
Okay.
[Maybe putting a stop to the conversation and taking time to sleep on it is for the best. But that doesn't quell the disappointment and fear in her voice. She rubs at her tired eyes and sighs softly.]
I think I will take the couch tonight.
[She doesn't think she'll get any sleep if they share the same bed - if he's so close but continually just out of her reach.]
[Everything has to be laid out on the table now - he knows this, she knows this. They’ve already said so much to each other tonight, why not really hammer in the last nail into the coffin of whatever this potentially could have been?
But at least he knows, right? Ben knows how she feels and she knows how he feels.
And now nothing will ever come of it.
She starts crying again - well, no, not really. Her eyes well up with tears and as much as Ben wants to wipe them away - kiss them away - he doesn’t move an inch.
He does move when she tells him she’s taking the couch though.]
Nope - no. I’m taking the couch tonight.
[Ben turns to leave her room before she can protest and call him ridiculous for thinking he can fit on her couch.
Whatever. It’s her bed and her apartment and she’s letting him stay here.
[For once in her life, Jyn doesn't argue the point.
Her throat tight, her eyes burning, she is in agony as she watches Ben turn away from her, her heart breaking at the knowledge that she is the cause of this new distance growing between them.
He's hurt. Probably disappointed and angry as well. God knows she'd would've felt the same thing if the tables had been turned and Ben was the one to destroy any chance of having a relationship due to fear.
But Jyn doesn't ask Ben to say, and feels like she's crumbling into dust as he leaves and doesn't look back.
Eventually, emotionally exhausted, she falls into a dreamless, restless sleep. When she wakes, it's dark and still and she doesn't know whether she's been sleeping for five hours or ten minutes, but she feels like she's been awake for days and it's … miserable.
She is miserable.
Jyn kicks her blankets off and sits and edge of the bed, sighing heavily as she brushes messy hair out of her face. She hears nothing from the living room and worries that instead of just going to sleep, Ben has just left instead. Timidly, she gets up and creeps from her bedroom into the main room, where she feels at least a small sense of relief to see his large shadow taking up her entire couch.
She feels stupid for being too cowardly to check to see whether or not he's sleeping or awake, but she feels like she's done enough damage for one night. But instead of returning to the sanctuary of her bedroom, she chooses to sit on the floor instead, holding her breath as she settles, unsure as to why she can't just leave well enough alone.
Slowly, Jyn exhales and inhales and just sits in the quiet, wishing that she wasn't such an idiot and that she could've turned back time in order to avoid all of this entirely - or share her feelings far, far sooner.]
I'm so stupid - [she begins, her voice low and trembling, her desire to get the words out outweighing the fear that he'd actually hear them being spoken aloud] I love you. I am in love with you. I only wish that I would've told you sooner so maybe we could have avoided all of this … fucked up mess.
[She laughed softly, although there was no hint of joy or amusement in the sound.] I won't presume that you could ever want to be with me after I pretty much pushed you away and ruined any chances that we might have had, but …
God, Ben. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to have to care about what others might think or how they might judge. I just want to love you, as openly and honestly as I can. I want my friend.
But I want so much more.
I'm sorry for being such a goddamn fuckup, but I hope … I hope you'll forgive me for it eventually. I hope - I guess … just please don't leave me, okay?
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no subject
Date: 2020-06-04 04:35 pm (UTC)Still, the corners of her lips pull up into a small, wry smile when he asserts that she isn't the type that's capable of being terrible. It's not true, of course. Everybody has the capability. And Jyn has already proven that she can lash out if she's feeling hurt.
Finally, she feels steady enough to release her grip on the door, opening it fully to Ben, who is still standing outside. She steps back and sits at the edge of the bed with a sigh.]
I told you that I didn't want you here anymore because I was upset that you were flirting with another woman. That's - that's pretty awful.
[Jyn hopes that Ben will take the unspoken invitation and come inside. She hates the distance that remains between them - even though he says the words that she's always wanted him to say.
For as much as she wants to throw all caution to the wind and say yes, she has just broken up with her long-term boyfriend and hasn't had nearly enough time to process her own emotions about it. Jumping into anything right now - even with Ben - would probably just lead to disaster.
This may indeed be the worst possible time for any of this to be happening.
Despite that - ]
I do, Ben. I'm just -
I'm so …
[Again, a sigh. Frustrated. Not with him - rather, with herself. With the timing. With missing out during all the years they could have been something.]
I'm scared.
no subject
Date: 2020-06-09 03:13 am (UTC)[He takes her up on her invitation and follows her into her bedroom. His brain immediately starts flashing with warning signs - this is a dangerous territory to put themselves in despite their admissions to each other.
Ben watches as she sits on her bed. He himself walks into her bedroom but leans back against the wall next to her bedroom door. He’s not sure what would happen if he goes and sits next to her.]
I’m scared, too.
Doesn’t mean we can’t...give it a try And if it doesn’t work, I mean…
[He trails off with a shrug. If it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. There’s still a possibility of them being friends after this failed experiment...at least he hopes that’s the case.]
no subject
Date: 2020-06-09 03:38 am (UTC)So she watches as Ben follows her into her modest bedroom but stops just inside the doorway, making the choice to lean against the wall instead of sit anywhere near her.
Jyn doesn't know what might happen if he sits next to her, either. And the last thing she wants is to make a move to fuc up before anything ever really even begins.
She takes a breath, nodding her understanding. But when she lifts her gaze far enough to meet Ben's, it's with the same worry knot between her eyebrows.]
You know as well as I do that there's no guarantee that we'll be able to be just friends. And what if one of us ends up ... resenting the other? I don't want to lose you, Ben.
no subject
Date: 2020-06-11 05:42 am (UTC)Ben has always respected her. He’s always cared about her. All he wants is to see her happy. And so when she voices her concerns about possibly resenting each other if this doesn’t work out - about losing him - he can’t argue with her.]
You’re...you’re right. There’s no guarantee.
[He looks away. There’s a pain in his chest.]
I, uh...I’m going...to sleep, I think.
[Ben turns away. She’d said what she needed and wanted to say, it seems. It’s not his place to try and change her mind.]
no subject
Date: 2020-06-11 07:07 am (UTC)Including her fears or his concerns. All the things they've been holding onto for so long without ever actually saying to each other.
But it's silent, and the silence settles heavily over her as she sits and fidgets with hands that she doesn't know what else to do with and Jyn wonders - Jyn worries - that she's somehow, in the course of trying to be completely honest with Ben, ruined any chance they might have had to take a step into the unknown together.
Knowing her luck, she probably has.
Fresh tears burn and prickle the insides of her eyelids and she thinks she's never hurt worse than she does in the moment - a moment that should have felt nothing but hopeful. And it's all her fault.]
Okay.
[Maybe putting a stop to the conversation and taking time to sleep on it is for the best. But that doesn't quell the disappointment and fear in her voice. She rubs at her tired eyes and sighs softly.]
I think I will take the couch tonight.
[She doesn't think she'll get any sleep if they share the same bed - if he's so close but continually just out of her reach.]
no subject
Date: 2020-07-03 06:18 am (UTC)But at least he knows, right? Ben knows how she feels and she knows how he feels.
And now nothing will ever come of it.
She starts crying again - well, no, not really. Her eyes well up with tears and as much as Ben wants to wipe them away - kiss them away - he doesn’t move an inch.
He does move when she tells him she’s taking the couch though.]
Nope - no. I’m taking the couch tonight.
[Ben turns to leave her room before she can protest and call him ridiculous for thinking he can fit on her couch.
Whatever. It’s her bed and her apartment and she’s letting him stay here.
He’s taking the fucking couch tonight.]
no subject
Date: 2020-09-14 10:46 pm (UTC)Her throat tight, her eyes burning, she is in agony as she watches Ben turn away from her, her heart breaking at the knowledge that she is the cause of this new distance growing between them.
He's hurt. Probably disappointed and angry as well. God knows she'd would've felt the same thing if the tables had been turned and Ben was the one to destroy any chance of having a relationship due to fear.
But Jyn doesn't ask Ben to say, and feels like she's crumbling into dust as he leaves and doesn't look back.
Eventually, emotionally exhausted, she falls into a dreamless, restless sleep. When she wakes, it's dark and still and she doesn't know whether she's been sleeping for five hours or ten minutes, but she feels like she's been awake for days and it's … miserable.
She is miserable.
Jyn kicks her blankets off and sits and edge of the bed, sighing heavily as she brushes messy hair out of her face. She hears nothing from the living room and worries that instead of just going to sleep, Ben has just left instead. Timidly, she gets up and creeps from her bedroom into the main room, where she feels at least a small sense of relief to see his large shadow taking up her entire couch.
She feels stupid for being too cowardly to check to see whether or not he's sleeping or awake, but she feels like she's done enough damage for one night. But instead of returning to the sanctuary of her bedroom, she chooses to sit on the floor instead, holding her breath as she settles, unsure as to why she can't just leave well enough alone.
Slowly, Jyn exhales and inhales and just sits in the quiet, wishing that she wasn't such an idiot and that she could've turned back time in order to avoid all of this entirely - or share her feelings far, far sooner.]
I'm so stupid - [she begins, her voice low and trembling, her desire to get the words out outweighing the fear that he'd actually hear them being spoken aloud] I love you. I am in love with you. I only wish that I would've told you sooner so maybe we could have avoided all of this … fucked up mess.
[She laughed softly, although there was no hint of joy or amusement in the sound.] I won't presume that you could ever want to be with me after I pretty much pushed you away and ruined any chances that we might have had, but …
God, Ben. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to have to care about what others might think or how they might judge. I just want to love you, as openly and honestly as I can. I want my friend.
But I want so much more.
I'm sorry for being such a goddamn fuckup, but I hope … I hope you'll forgive me for it eventually. I hope - I guess … just please don't leave me, okay?