Date: 2019-06-27 06:38 am (UTC)
candor1: (Eadu . sniper configuration . down)
From: [personal profile] candor1
You won't. I promise.

You're welcome when I am here, too. I just meant, I don't have to be for you to… [feel at home? get ahold of yourself] …be.

[Clearing his throat, he looked aside, saw his datapad, grabbed it and entered the passcode, to hand to her to memorize or copy as she liked.]

Date: 2019-06-27 07:05 am (UTC)
candor1: (Scarif . Jyn . the end)
From: [personal profile] candor1
[Welcome home.

Stay now. Tonight.


The rise of emotion just then was… But Cassian emphatically did not want to conflate those issues now; make it seem like there was any condition or ulterior motive to the invitation.

But at what point did not wanting to impose become lying…?

Skies, he wanted to hold her. Invite her onto the bed with him and just… rest. Together.

He looked aside and pressed his hand to his eyes.]


Sorry. I'm still a bit out of it. I'm looking forward to being off the meds. I keep thinking about… Ugh.

Date: 2019-06-27 07:30 am (UTC)
candor1: (Yavin . Jyn . welcome home)
From: [personal profile] candor1
[…but he remembered why he'd invited her here.

…beyond wanting her company every moment he could.

He was going to make sure, tonight, that it was fair. That she was choosing to be with him, in whatever capacity, fully informed of who he was.

So he answered, as calmly as he could:]
Scarif.

[But then shook his head, to shake it off, and looked down at her hand. Tentatively, again so lightly she could get away without trouble, he put his over hers.]

I… um… was going to tell you some things. Make sure… you really want to keep… working with me. Now that it's your choice.
candor1: (Coruscant . Sward . e.b.d.l.n. . shadow)
From: [personal profile] candor1
[He opened his mouth.

Closed it again.

Wait. Think. What was he doing, exactly…? Seeking her forgiveness? For the things he'd done, it wasn't hers to give, and unfair to put on her. Seeking her comfort? Again, that was for his sake, not hers, not theirs. This shouldn't be about putting his burdens onto her. What exactly did he want to tell her, and, more importantly, why? Somehow, he hadn't already planned it out, assessed and chosen.

So do it now. Quickly. The things that flashed into his mind, he seized and rifled through like a deck of cards.

Tivik. She wouldn't be surprised, knowing his work; and would probably understand, knowing war.
Galen. They'd already had that confrontation, did he really need to bring that all up for her again, uninvited, now? If she ever wanted more, he would give it at once, but that should be up to her, not him.
The CIS. He'd been far from the only dupe, there. There were thousands upon thousands of them. He'd been a child soldier. So had she. They'd been on opposite sides of that war, but had they really chosen them, or been chosen by them? …Well, that one was worth mentioning, because he didn't need anything from her, over it. He just wanted her to know. Knowing from her record, as he did, where she'd been born, and that she and him would have been enemies.]


I was a Separatist, from when I was six—when my father was killed—until I was fifteen—when Draven recruited me. If I'd known then what I know now, I probably would have defected. But I didn't, so I was.

[Xilo. Okay, why on Hoth…?]

My first girlfriend was in Alliance Intelligence. She betrayed us. She died. She'd been pregnant. I fought Draven until he approved a sterilization surgery for me so that could never happen again. Especially because I became a spy and started having to sleep with people for the work. She was the only person I've ever slept with because I chose to. Every other time, it's been for a mission.

[So much for measured assessment.

Well, that's as grotesque [to himself] as it got. You're committed now.]


I reprogrammed Kaytoo because Draven saw my last few near-fatalities in the field as suicidal and suspended me until I took a partner. I didn't want another organic because we're too unpredictable. I never tried to fix the side effect of the reprogram because I like that he's unfiltered and direct. Contrasts with all the lies in the rest of what I do. But I'd never paid attention to Droids Rights before; I hadn't thought through what I was doing. If I had the right. To do that to him. Since I didn't give him the choice to be loyal to me, I've just tried to be worthy of it.

I spent a year undercover as an aide to an Imperial grand admiral. I lived on Coruscant with him and his family. His wife blackmailed me into being her lover. I loved their kids so much. I left without saying goodbye or ever trying to tell them anything but what they were learning. I still think I should have tried even if it got me killed.

I didn't remember anything about my mother until I was twenty-four. I still don't really remember, I just found out. She and her colony had been firebombed by the Republic. My father pulled me out and took me with him to Carida Academy. He was training to be a Republic [proto-Imperial] officer.

[Pfassking, fedding…

Dams don't burst selectively. For years, if Cassian shared anything with anyone, it took deliberation. Secrecy and suppression had become so second-nature. But now, with Jyn, he couldn't withhold this after all.]


When I disobeyed my order to assassinate your father. I wish I'd made that choice because I saw you were right. Saw what was happening on that platform and realized Draven's theories didn't account for it, but yours did. Which is true. But isn't why. I disobeyed because you and he had the same eyes. I looked at him and only saw you.

[…Okay.

That was it. None of the assassinations—let's be real: murders—or other lies… but really, she knew that already. He'd told her when he'd been her enemy, how often he'd skated those margins, and why… she probably wouldn't want to be… around him.

His hands were closed around the blanket, either side of his knees. He released it, but didn't look up.]


I… understand if… we say goodnight now.
Edited Date: 2019-06-27 04:53 pm (UTC)

/HUGS!/ SORRY!!

Date: 2019-06-28 06:08 am (UTC)
candor1: (Scarif . i love you don't die)
From: [personal profile] candor1
[Yes. You—we—do. Yes, it hurts. The mirror hurts.

He hadn't wanted an organic partner… but he'd been wrong to think his relationship with Kay would be any less deep, any less complex. And hurt any less to lose. He knew better now. Anyway, he wasn't choosing a partner in Jyn. He was holding onto the bond already there. home. family.

He heard her breathing before he looked up; it made him look up. Her heaving breaths, the shaking shoulders, the shine of tears… without thinking, he slipped off the bed and went on his knees before her. Stopping shy of trying to take her hands; looking up into her face.]


No… I… think I knew you'd understand. I know you understand war. And so much we have in common. I wanted… however we go from here… to be your choice. You've not had a choice so many times. And… I've… manipulated people, lied to them, so many times.

['Course, he hadn't been able to manipulate Jyn even when he'd wanted to—We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!

Was that the first moment he'd felt… for her…?]


If you deserve…? I'm being a selfish bastard.

I trust you. I don't trust me. If I felt I was making you make decisions without enough information, because I hadn't given it to you…? …I don't know if this makes any sense. I just…

…I guess it wasn't about you. I'm sorry. It was about me. Assumed or implied consent isn't enough. For me. With you.

<3333!

Date: 2019-06-28 09:53 am (UTC)
candor1: (Yavin . you kill him)
From: [personal profile] candor1
[It was absolutely about her. He'd wanted it to be.

Her assessment of him… he'd lost the ability to cry years ago, but maybe that curse could be lifted someday, with her, because he felt that filling ache under his eyes—which did get brighter with it. And he accepted the invitation immediately: placing his hand gently onto hers. And not just palms: his fingers curled softly around and between her fingers.

He was grateful she said it. Even trusting her to take care of herself, make her own decisions, he needed to hear it. It wasn't just trusting that she could defend herself against him; he never ever wanted her to have to.

Being with. It felt like they'd crossed a boundary somewhere… and it made his heart thud and feel flooded and filled in a way that had never been allowed and maybe never existed before, and he was disbelievingly glad… it felt like they were talking about the same thing, after all. He wouldn't assume… but there was again what they'd felt in each other all along: understanding. Recognition.

His fingers tightened ever so slightly around hers.]


You don't owe it to me. I feel the same way. But if you want to tell, I want to hear, and I'm listening.
candor1: (R1 . some of us just decided)
From: [personal profile] candor1
[when that man took away my mother and my father and left me all alone . Cassian remembered how Jyn had started back toward the man in white, lying crumpled where Cassian had shot him—and Cassian had held onto her arm and pulled her back to him by it, forcing her not to make the very kind of decision Cassian had once made… Had that been right of him, really for her, or just selfish, not wanting to spend the end of his life on war…?

When she sobbed, and her grip tightened on his arm, he instinctively sat further upright on his knees, bringing his arms and face and everything closer to her.

Twice, she'd lost or given up a possible child… at least once, one she'd wanted… All the pain Cassian had ever felt for his own sacrifice—what he'd considered just cost for just cause—he could never let himself have something that mattered more to him than the work… and, just like Jyn it sounded like, he couldn't trust the universe enough to give it another child… He brought up his other hand to wrap around hers, protecting her hand between both of his, warm and close. And refrained from offering now, but would later, to go with her to medical and stay with her the whole time and be her intermediary if she wanted one, if she ever did want to find out more.

…even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give. His eyes flickered down to their hands, hers still encased by his, and he gently squeezed. He understood completely. He, at least, had had the Rebellion. Had she been entirely on her own…?

Here we are.

Looking into her face again, Cassian removed one of his hands from around hers—to reach up, cup her cheek, and use his thumb to brush away the tears from under one of her eyes.

I was ready to go, too. Because I had you.

But what he responded to, softly, was about Galen:]


Did you get to speak to him at all? At the end?

Date: 2019-06-29 10:12 am (UTC)
candor1: (Eadu . you are sure of that? . down)
From: [personal profile] candor1
…I got to see what was happening on that platform before you got there.

The man in white had the stormtroopers aim on the scientists. Dr Erso put himself in front of them. I wasn't sure at the time— [couldn't trust his own interpretations when he wanted…] —but I don't think there's another way to read it: the leak was discovered and Dr Erso tried to give himself up to save his team. The man in white killed the scientists anyway and struck Dr Erso to the ground.

It was too far away to read lips. But if the man in white did that… whatever he said next would have been designed to make your father despair.

Having 'so much more to tell' you… those are words of hope.

It doesn't make up for how it happened—how we failed you… but I don't think you failed him, Jyn. You transformed his last moments from despair to hope. That's… so much. That can be everything.

I know. It's what you did for me, too.

Date: 2019-06-30 01:41 am (UTC)
candor1: (Scarif . Jyn . one with the Force)
From: [personal profile] candor1
[She started weeping… and Cassian finally dared: sitting fully upright on his knees, as they had on the beach, and—as gently, as lightly as he'd offered her hand, so she could refuse it or free herself from it the instant she chose—put his arms around her. Though left the final centimeters of putting their bodies together up to her.]

Date: 2019-06-30 03:28 am (UTC)
candor1: (Scarif . Jyn . the end)
From: [personal profile] candor1
[His arms tightened around her; one holding her body, the other bending so his hand could softly cup the back of her neck, twine his fingers in her hair; and he pressed a kiss to the side of her head, his eyes closed too, not sure if he felt an actual tear fall from his own eye, or transferred to his cheek from hers.]

Nothing—you have nothing to apologize for. Not to me.

Date: 2019-06-30 05:46 am (UTC)
candor1: (Scarif . smile . proud of you)
From: [personal profile] candor1
[Little Separatist boy recognized little Partisan girl. And wanted nothing but to be there for her.

Another risk, now.]


I swear—let Kaytoo lecture me on probabilities for ten days straight if I'm lying—I'm not trying to trick you into anything. I promise on the Force. Just… well. Do you want to lie down? We could listen to holos or… just rest. For a while.

Or we can stay like this, right here. Or go out walking. Or anything else. It's fine. Either way. We have time. And I'm here.

Date: 2019-06-30 11:36 am (UTC)
candor1: (Uwing . I'm not the one . smile)
From: [personal profile] candor1
[He bowed his head at the sensation, touching his forehead to her shoulder. And exhaled a laugh. (That, somewhere, made several of his colleagues faint.)]

Yes. Stay as long as you like. …I don't want you to leave either.

[He suspected he was blushing as he sat back from her. —only to lever himself upright enough to sit again on the mattress. And moved back, to the half against the wall, leaving the other half for her. …Leaving his arm, also, hesitantly outstretched, for her to put her head on.]

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