I - well. I think I'd like that. Large groups of people are not exactly conducive to a restful environment. [Not that Jyn really knew how to rest properly.] I think I'd like a place where I can catch a breath.
[It would be like sharing a space ... except ... not.]
[The safest thing Jyn could find to say was - ] Thank you.
[That Cassian trusted her in his personal space and around his personal belongings meant a lot. That he was willing to share this space just because she felt uncomfortable and anxious in her own meant even more.]
I, uh - I'll probably take you up on the offer. Whether you're here or not, it's nice to know that I'll have somewhere to come if everything else feels ...
[Too much. Jyn accepted the datapad and quickly memorized the code. She'd copy it later, but for the moment, it was safe in her mind.]
The rise of emotion just then was… But Cassian emphatically did not want to conflate those issues now; make it seem like there was any condition or ulterior motive to the invitation.
But at what point did not wanting to impose become lying…?
Skies, he wanted to hold her. Invite her onto the bed with him and just… rest. Together.
He looked aside and pressed his hand to his eyes.]
Sorry. I'm still a bit out of it. I'm looking forward to being off the meds. I keep thinking about… Ugh.
[Jyn quietly cleared her throat as she shifted a bit, trying to find a way to get a little more comfortable where she sat. She wished she had the courage to ask if she could sit next to Cassian on the bed -
To sit close and rest together.
And if she was incredibly fortunate, to hold him and be held by him and share a little comfort with each other.
She looked on, concerned, finally leaning forward enough to be able to set a reassuring hand against his knee.]
Give it time, Cassian, you'll get better soon enough. [A pause. A breath.] What do you keep thinking about?
…beyond wanting her company every moment he could.
He was going to make sure, tonight, that it was fair. That she was choosing to be with him, in whatever capacity, fully informed of who he was.
So he answered, as calmly as he could:] Scarif.
[But then shook his head, to shake it off, and looked down at her hand. Tentatively, again so lightly she could get away without trouble, he put his over hers.]
I… um… was going to tell you some things. Make sure… you really want to keep… working with me. Now that it's your choice.
[Jyn remembered the context of their conversation the previous day as well. And while she wasn't here strictly for that, the implication behind the words had not been lost on her.
So, yes, while she was here because she wanted to be here and spending time with Cassian, she also knew that whatever was going to be said was clearly important to him, so she had already resolved to give him the attention and respect that he deserved.
Because she cared about him - almost unfathomably so.
Jyn kept very still as Cassian placed his hand atop hers, making no move at all to pull away, her eyes squarely on his face, trying to read his expression and gauge what it was he might be feeling.]
If you feel that it's necessary for you to do that, Cassian, I'll listen.
Wait. Think.What was he doing, exactly…? Seeking her forgiveness? For the things he'd done, it wasn't hers to give, and unfair to put on her. Seeking her comfort? Again, that was for his sake, not hers, not theirs. This shouldn't be about putting his burdens onto her. What exactly did he want to tell her, and, more importantly, why? Somehow, he hadn't already planned it out, assessed and chosen.
So do it now. Quickly. The things that flashed into his mind, he seized and rifled through like a deck of cards.
Tivik. She wouldn't be surprised, knowing his work; and would probably understand, knowing war. Galen. They'd already had that confrontation, did he really need to bring that all up for her again, uninvited, now? If she ever wanted more, he would give it at once, but that should be up to her, not him. The CIS. He'd been far from the only dupe, there. There were thousands upon thousands of them. He'd been a child soldier. So had she. They'd been on opposite sides of that war, but had they really chosen them, or been chosen by them? …Well, that one was worth mentioning, because he didn't need anything from her, over it. He just wanted her to know. Knowing from her record, as he did, where she'd been born, and that she and him would have been enemies.]
I was a Separatist, from when I was six—when my father was killed—until I was fifteen—when Draven recruited me. If I'd known then what I know now, I probably would have defected. But I didn't, so I was.
[Xilo. Okay, why on Hoth…?]
My first girlfriend was in Alliance Intelligence. She betrayed us. She died. She'd been pregnant. I fought Draven until he approved a sterilization surgery for me so that could never happen again. Especially because I became a spy and started having to sleep with people for the work. She was the only person I've ever slept with because I chose to. Every other time, it's been for a mission.
[So much for measured assessment.
Well, that's as grotesque [to himself] as it got. You're committed now.]
I reprogrammed Kaytoo because Draven saw my last few near-fatalities in the field as suicidal and suspended me until I took a partner. I didn't want another organic because we're too unpredictable. I never tried to fix the side effect of the reprogram because I like that he's unfiltered and direct. Contrasts with all the lies in the rest of what I do. But I'd never paid attention to Droids Rights before; I hadn't thought through what I was doing. If I had the right. To do that to him. Since I didn't give him the choice to be loyal to me, I've just tried to be worthy of it.
I spent a year undercover as an aide to an Imperial grand admiral. I lived on Coruscant with him and his family. His wife blackmailed me into being her lover. I loved their kids so much. I left without saying goodbye or ever trying to tell them anything but what they were learning. I still think I should have tried even if it got me killed.
I didn't remember anything about my mother until I was twenty-four. I still don't really remember, I just found out. She and her colony had been firebombed by the Republic. My father pulled me out and took me with him to Carida Academy. He was training to be a Republic [proto-Imperial] officer.
[Pfassking, fedding…
Dams don't burst selectively. For years, if Cassian shared anything with anyone, it took deliberation. Secrecy and suppression had become so second-nature. But now, with Jyn, he couldn't withhold this after all.]
When I disobeyed my order to assassinate your father. I wish I'd made that choice because I saw you were right. Saw what was happening on that platform and realized Draven's theories didn't account for it, but yours did. Which is true. But isn't why. I disobeyed because you and he had the same eyes. I looked at him and only saw you.
[…Okay.
That was it. None of the assassinations—let's be real: murders—or other lies… but really, she knew that already. He'd told her when he'd been her enemy, how often he'd skated those margins, and why… she probably wouldn't want to be… around him.
His hands were closed around the blanket, either side of his knees. He released it, but didn't look up.]
[Jyn promised to listen, and listen she would, no matter how long it took Cassian to find the words that he wanted her to hear. She almost wanted to insist that he didn't need to tell her anything, but it was clearly important to him, so who was she to deny him the opportunity to lighten some of what was weighing him down.
Still, she thought - don't I know you? Didn't we look at each other and see parts of ourselves reflected back? Isn't that why it hurt so much just to be in each other's presence, or was that just me? Don't I know you? Don't you know me? Don't we ...
I want to know you.
She knew exactly what it was to be a child fighting an adult's war, and while they might have found themselves on opposite sides, it hadn't been of their own accord. They hadn't been enemies, they had been victims.
And then Cassian continued, and her heart ached for him, what he had lost and what he had had to give up and what he would never have. She mourned for all the things he had had to do in the name of the cause - a particular pain that she knew very well herself.
Jyn didn't take her eyes away from Cassian, even as she inhaled sharply, desperately wondering why he felt it necessary to tell her something so incredibly personal - so incredibly traumatic.
The guilt washed off of him like waves, and soon, the air felt thick with it. But she wasn't so surprised to hear that some of it centered on Kay, and how the droid hadn't really been given the choice to work with Cassian - nor to be loyal to him, how Cassian wanted to be worthy of it. Most others wouldn't even give it a second thought, to be honest, Jyn included
But the statement that struck her the most - aside from perceived suicidal ideations - was the fact that Cassian hadn't wanted an organic partner. But last night, he'd intimated that he wanted to work with her, so why ...
She could only imagine how heartbreaking it was to leave those children behind. They were Imperial, yes, but they hadn't asked to be born into the lives they had. She hoped that somehow, those lucky children knew how much they had been loved, and took something from their time with Cassian, at least learned how to ask questions and make their own decisions and hopefully, eventually, would come to do the right thing.
And his own family ... not only the losses, but not knowing for so long what had even happened ... it reminded her so much of the way she'd been torn from her own parents, the long years of never knowing what had happened to her father short of rumor and speculation.
It was only when he mentioned her father that Jyn ducked her head and tried to hold on to what was left of her composure. Hot tears prickled the inside of her eyelids, and she silently told herself do not cry, do not cry, do not cry. Her chest heaved and her shoulders shook and she wanted to ask why didn't you shoot, why did you spare him only for me to lose him nonetheless and what's so special about my kriffing eyes ...
But when she finally glanced up again - met his eyes again - it was with nothing but a deep sadness in her own, maybe not a complete understanding but enough of one to be able to empathize with him, to share in some of the hurt and pain he'd clearly been holding into for so long.]
We've all done things we regret ... [she answered, her voice raw, her tone slow and measured] and you're not alone in the pain and guilt you feel. For the cause, we tell ourselves as we try to move on and sometimes ... those ghosts continue to haunt.
Do you really think I'd hate you after hearing these things? Do you really think that I'm innocent?
And why - why do you think I even deserve to know?
He hadn't wanted an organic partner… but he'd been wrong to think his relationship with Kay would be any less deep, any less complex. And hurt any less to lose. He knew better now. Anyway, he wasn't choosing a partner in Jyn. He was holding onto the bond already there. home. family.
He heard her breathing before he looked up; it made him look up. Her heaving breaths, the shaking shoulders, the shine of tears… without thinking, he slipped off the bed and went on his knees before her. Stopping shy of trying to take her hands; looking up into her face.]
No… I… think I knew you'd understand. I know you understand war. And so much we have in common. I wanted… however we go from here… to be your choice. You've not had a choice so many times. And… I've… manipulated people, lied to them, so many times.
['Course, he hadn't been able to manipulate Jyn even when he'd wanted to—We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!
Was that the first moment he'd felt… for her…?]
If you deserve…? I'm being a selfish bastard.
I trust you. I don't trust me. If I felt I was making you make decisions without enough information, because I hadn't given it to you…? …I don't know if this makes any sense. I just…
…I guess it wasn't about you. I'm sorry. It was about me. Assumed or implied consent isn't enough. For me. With you.
[Jyn shook her head weakly as Cassian took the floor in front of her, but there was probably no convincing him not to. She flexed her fingers painfully as she worked to regain her composure, a large part of her wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch - not only to reassure herself, but to do the same for him as well.
However difficult, she refrained. And as he explained further, or tried to, she managed to mostly quell the hard, fast beating of her heart, and to battle to keep those tears from falling. It would do her no good to get that emotional when none of this was supposed to have been about her.
But then he asserted that he wanted her to have a choice, and when's the last time he had been granted that? Maybe she had never been given an opportunity to make a real choice rather than only ever doing what it took in order to survive.]
I may not know everything you've done, but I know who you are, Cassian. You came back for me over and over again, when you could have easily just given up on me. You believed me when you didn't have to. You almost died for me.
[She turned her hand over, palm up, inviting Cassian to take it or touch it if he felt like doing so.]
I trust you. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't. I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't think that there was a place here for me, or ... a reason to stay. Nobody is forcing me anymore, least of all you.
[She sighed shakily, but didn't drop her eyes away from his.]
I can't give you absolution, but I can give you understanding. I've - I've done things that I'm not proud of, I've done things that still eat me up inside - things no dossier can tell you. And I feel ... if it was important for you to tell me these things about you ... then I should probably do the same.
Because - you deserve the opportunity to figure out if I'm worth being with as well.
[It was absolutely about her. He'd wanted it to be.
Her assessment of him… he'd lost the ability to cry years ago, but maybe that curse could be lifted someday, with her, because he felt that filling ache under his eyes—which did get brighter with it. And he accepted the invitation immediately: placing his hand gently onto hers. And not just palms: his fingers curled softly around and between her fingers.
He was grateful she said it. Even trusting her to take care of herself, make her own decisions, he needed to hear it. It wasn't just trusting that she could defend herself against him; he never ever wanted her to have to.
Being with. It felt like they'd crossed a boundary somewhere… and it made his heart thud and feel flooded and filled in a way that had never been allowed and maybe never existed before, and he was disbelievingly glad… it felt like they were talking about the same thing, after all. He wouldn't assume… but there was again what they'd felt in each other all along: understanding. Recognition.
His fingers tightened ever so slightly around hers.]
You don't owe it to me. I feel the same way. But if you want to tell, I want to hear, and I'm listening.
[Jyn didn't want to have to revisit memories she had hidden away as far as possible from the light of day. But if Cassian could find the strength to share such painful truths with her, well, the least she could do was dig deep down to the same.
And she was reassured by the simple pleasure of the touch of his hand and the way he didn't even hesitate to tangle their fingers together, to allow her to hold onto him like he was her tether to the here and now, a reminder that even if reliving those memories hurt her, she wasn't alone.]
I barely remember what home is supposed to feel like. I lost any sense of safety I had - any sense of innocence - when that man took away my mother and my father and left me all alone. For everything Saw Gerrera did for me, being a parent and helping me grieve was not one of them.
I learned how to harden my heart and how to protect myself, how to fight, how to inflict maximum damage, but not how to heal. And I ... still hurt, Cassian. I'm still incomprehensively angry and sad and I don't know what to do with any of it.
[She sighed heavily, ducking her head and taking solace in the feel of his palm to hers, his fingers intertwined with hers.]
I tried to look out for the littlest ones, the ones who couldn't take care of themselves, like me, the ones who had lost parents or entire families and had nowhere else to go, no one else to look after them. Sometimes, they disappeared and never returned. And I - I tried to convince myself that perhaps they had been found and whisked away to a better life even though I ... I knew better.
But watching them lose their lives was worse. When you're helpless to save them, when there's nothing you can do -
[A sob wrenched its way from her throat and Jyn unconsciously squeezed Cassian's han a little tighter in response as she fought to regain her lost composure.]
I don't know that I was ever in love, but there was someone that I cared deeply about when I was still almost a child. We were fleeing from the 'troopers when he was shot through the heart. I was barely grazed, but I lost my balance and I took a fall from a roof. When I woke up, I was informed that it had resulted in the loss of a pregnancy I hadn't even known about.
The next time that I found myself ... expecting ... I decided to terminate. I wasn't with the father - it had been a short-term thing, and although I wanted to keep it ... it seemed selfish, bringing a life into such a hard, cruel world. Afterward, I asked for an implant so it wouldn't happen again, but ... Force only knows what else those back-alley medics might have done. I could find out, I suppose, but I'm ... scared. My health report is clean, thankfully, but I ... I can't bring myself to ask the details.
I wasn't only good at forging scandocs and moving from place to place. I needed credits, too, and - I was good at grifting or outright theft, if need be, but sometimes ... well, I know how to use what I want in order to get what I need. I'm not proud of it, but ... when it comes down to it, I know how to survive, even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give.
[And none of that was even taking into account the things that she had done while with the Partisans - the missions she had been a part of, those she had wounded or killed, and all in service of the greater good.
How could she even begin to explain how sick it made her feel to think of acceptable risks when it came to civilian casualties?
Jyn dared to glance at Cassian then, to try to gauge his expression, what he might be thinking or feeling, how he might be seeing her through brand new eyes now.]
I loved my father, but I hated him, too. I didn't know how I was going to feel when I saw him again, but when I did, it was only the years of loss and loneliness I had felt without him. It wasn't you that I blamed for his death, but I - it's still devastating that he was taken before I ever had a chance to tell him that I still loved him.
[The tears she'd been holding at bay finally broke through her last defenses, first one sliding soundlessly down her cheek, then another, and another.]
I was ready to die on that beach. I ... had done what I set out to do, we had lost so many already, and it was out of my hands. I had you, and I was ... content. I was ready to go, Cassian.
[when that man took away my mother and my father and left me all alone . Cassian remembered how Jyn had started back toward the man in white, lying crumpled where Cassian had shot him—and Cassian had held onto her arm and pulled her back to him by it, forcing her not to make the very kind of decision Cassian had once made… Had that been right of him, really for her, or just selfish, not wanting to spend the end of his life on war…?
When she sobbed, and her grip tightened on his arm, he instinctively sat further upright on his knees, bringing his arms and face and everything closer to her.
Twice, she'd lost or given up a possible child… at least once, one she'd wanted… All the pain Cassian had ever felt for his own sacrifice—what he'd considered just cost for just cause—he could never let himself have something that mattered more to him than the work… and, just like Jyn it sounded like, he couldn't trust the universe enough to give it another child… He brought up his other hand to wrap around hers, protecting her hand between both of his, warm and close. And refrained from offering now, but would later, to go with her to medical and stay with her the whole time and be her intermediary if she wanted one, if she ever did want to find out more.
…even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give. His eyes flickered down to their hands, hers still encased by his, and he gently squeezed. He understood completely. He, at least, had had the Rebellion. Had she been entirely on her own…?
Here we are.
Looking into her face again, Cassian removed one of his hands from around hers—to reach up, cup her cheek, and use his thumb to brush away the tears from under one of her eyes.
I was ready to go, too. Because I had you.
But what he responded to, softly, was about Galen:]
[In the end, Krennic had gotten exactly what he deserved. And while Jyn would have liked nothing better than to have taken some sort of revenge, ultimately, she was glad that Cassian had urged her away from it, that he had pulled her to him instead, that they had managed to find some measure of peace together on that beach, waiting for the end to come.
She was grateful for his presence as she spoke, even though a part of her - a large part - wanted to throw all caution to the wind and curl her arms around him to just ... hold each other again. But she refrained, contenting herself with the way he held her hand instead, the steadiness that was offered in such a seemingly simple gesture.
There was probably more that needed to be said, but Jyn couldn't find the words to continue on. Maybe she would be able to continue at another time, but for the moment, she felt totally and completely emotionally spent, bolstered by the gentle squeezes he offered her, the fact that she saw no pity, only understanding when she was finally able to take in the sight of him again after he so carefully wiped away her hot tears.
When was the last time she had felt so ... cared for?]
I told him that I saw his message, he told me that the weapon needed to be destroyed. He - he told me that he had so much more to tell me and then he ...
[Her expression crumbled and she shook her head slowly.]
I didn't even get a chance to say anything important, nothing that'd I'd wanted to tell him since I watched him leave. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
…I got to see what was happening on that platform before you got there.
The man in white had the stormtroopers aim on the scientists. Dr Erso put himself in front of them. I wasn't sure at the time— [couldn't trust his own interpretations when he wanted…] —but I don't think there's another way to read it: the leak was discovered and Dr Erso tried to give himself up to save his team. The man in white killed the scientists anyway and struck Dr Erso to the ground.
It was too far away to read lips. But if the man in white did that… whatever he said next would have been designed to make your father despair.
Having 'so much more to tell' you… those are words of hope.
It doesn't make up for how it happened—how we failed you… but I don't think you failed him, Jyn. You transformed his last moments from despair to hope. That's… so much. That can be everything.
[For a long moment, Jyn could only clutch Cassian's hand all the tighter still, her ragged breathing the only noise emanating from her as she listened. She would probably always feel some measure of guilt about not reassuring his father in his last moments that she bore no ill will toward him, that she still loved him ...
But maybe Cassian was right. Maybe she had given him something akin to hope, that his efforts had not been in vain, that someone had been listening, that someone was going to do something, and if that was the best she could have done, maybe she should take solace in having had even the smallest opportunity to give him an iota of peace.
She dropped her head again, and the dam burst, sending torrets of scalding tears - perhaps all the tears she'd been holding back for so long - cascading down her cheeks, leaving great big wet spots as they hit their clasped hands and slid down to her thighs, soaking in to her worn trousers.
Finally - eventually, when she could breathe again, when the tears slowed, but did not cease - ]
[She started weeping… and Cassian finally dared: sitting fully upright on his knees, as they had on the beach, and—as gently, as lightly as he'd offered her hand, so she could refuse it or free herself from it the instant she chose—put his arms around her. Though left the final centimeters of putting their bodies together up to her.]
[Jyn didn't think twice - the moment that Cassian offered the sanctuary (safety) of his embrace, she leaned into him as much as she dared, wanting nothing more than the reassurance and comfort he was providing. She curled her arms around his shoulders and held on in an attempt to steady her shaking. He didn't have to do this, but he was, and even through her sadness, she more than appreciated the care.]
[His arms tightened around her; one holding her body, the other bending so his hand could softly cup the back of her neck, twine his fingers in her hair; and he pressed a kiss to the side of her head, his eyes closed too, not sure if he felt an actual tear fall from his own eye, or transferred to his cheek from hers.]
Nothing—you have nothing to apologize for. Not to me.
[It was almost embarrassing, the way Jyn settled into Cassian's arms so quickly, but maybe she needed it - from him - not pity, but an understanding that she wouldn't wish anyone to share, even though he did, perhaps better than anyone ever could. He treated her so gently, so carefully, and even though she never allowed herself to feel so breakable, in the moment, she felt very fragile indeed.
She had no more words to say, holding on just a little tighter as she tried t fight her way back to herself through a despair that she'd had locked away since she was a little girl, suddenly finding herself alone in a big, cruel universe.]
[Little Separatist boy recognized little Partisan girl. And wanted nothing but to be there for her.
Another risk, now.]
I swear—let Kaytoo lecture me on probabilities for ten days straight if I'm lying—I'm not trying to trick you into anything. I promise on the Force. Just… well. Do you want to lie down? We could listen to holos or… just rest. For a while.
Or we can stay like this, right here. Or go out walking. Or anything else. It's fine. Either way. We have time. And I'm here.
[Maybe kindred souls really did recognize each other. They might have been on opposite sides then, but here they were now, and Jyn was taking a great measure of comfort in simply being close.
Her sniffles shifted into a watery little laugh, and although she didn't have enough strength to pull away, not just yet, she loosened her grip to allow the hint of an exploration as she let her fingertips brush through the hair at the back of his neck.]
You're going to hurt your back if we stay like this for much longer. Can we ... lie down? Just for a little while! I'm not - I'm not ready to leave yet.
[He bowed his head at the sensation, touching his forehead to her shoulder. And exhaled a laugh. (That, somewhere, made several of his colleagues faint.)]
Yes. Stay as long as you like. …I don't want you to leave either.
[He suspected he was blushing as he sat back from her. —only to lever himself upright enough to sit again on the mattress. And moved back, to the half against the wall, leaving the other half for her. …Leaving his arm, also, hesitantly outstretched, for her to put her head on.]
[It was a beautiful noise - Cassian's laugh, and Jyn's heart thumped painfully in her chest to hear it. And maybe the hope that she would hear it again began to take root.
She wanted to tell him that she would stay as long as he wanted her, but instead, she struggled to swallow the lump in her throat down. Cassian was being so kind to her, so gentle with her, and she wasn't accustomed to any of it.
(She wanted to be.
Jyn took a breath and soon followed his lead, careful as she moved from chair to mattress, even more so as she tried to arrange herself into a position that was as comfortable for them both as possible, all the while trying to maintain as much contact as possible.
For warmth. For comfort. For all that and so much more that as of yet, she hadn't even discovered.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 06:33 am (UTC)[It would be like sharing a space ... except ... not.]
I wouldn't want to ... overstay my welcome.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 06:38 am (UTC)You're welcome when I am here, too. I just meant, I don't have to be for you to… [feel at home? get ahold of yourself] …be.
[Clearing his throat, he looked aside, saw his datapad, grabbed it and entered the passcode, to hand to her to memorize or copy as she liked.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 06:51 am (UTC)[That Cassian trusted her in his personal space and around his personal belongings meant a lot. That he was willing to share this space just because she felt uncomfortable and anxious in her own meant even more.]
I, uh - I'll probably take you up on the offer. Whether you're here or not, it's nice to know that I'll have somewhere to come if everything else feels ...
[Too much. Jyn accepted the datapad and quickly memorized the code. She'd copy it later, but for the moment, it was safe in her mind.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 07:05 am (UTC)Stay now. Tonight.
The rise of emotion just then was… But Cassian emphatically did not want to conflate those issues now; make it seem like there was any condition or ulterior motive to the invitation.
But at what point did not wanting to impose become lying…?
Skies, he wanted to hold her. Invite her onto the bed with him and just… rest. Together.
He looked aside and pressed his hand to his eyes.]
Sorry. I'm still a bit out of it. I'm looking forward to being off the meds. I keep thinking about… Ugh.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 07:23 am (UTC)To sit close and rest together.
And if she was incredibly fortunate, to hold him and be held by him and share a little comfort with each other.
She looked on, concerned, finally leaning forward enough to be able to set a reassuring hand against his knee.]
Give it time, Cassian, you'll get better soon enough. [A pause. A breath.] What do you keep thinking about?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 07:30 am (UTC)…beyond wanting her company every moment he could.
He was going to make sure, tonight, that it was fair. That she was choosing to be with him, in whatever capacity, fully informed of who he was.
So he answered, as calmly as he could:] Scarif.
[But then shook his head, to shake it off, and looked down at her hand. Tentatively, again so lightly she could get away without trouble, he put his over hers.]
I… um… was going to tell you some things. Make sure… you really want to keep… working with me. Now that it's your choice.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 02:59 pm (UTC)So, yes, while she was here because she wanted to be here and spending time with Cassian, she also knew that whatever was going to be said was clearly important to him, so she had already resolved to give him the attention and respect that he deserved.
Because she cared about him - almost unfathomably so.
Jyn kept very still as Cassian placed his hand atop hers, making no move at all to pull away, her eyes squarely on his face, trying to read his expression and gauge what it was he might be feeling.]
If you feel that it's necessary for you to do that, Cassian, I'll listen.
cw: past dubcon, headcanon up the whazzoo, and some stuff based on the novelization
Date: 2019-06-27 04:47 pm (UTC)Closed it again.
Wait. Think. What was he doing, exactly…? Seeking her forgiveness? For the things he'd done, it wasn't hers to give, and unfair to put on her. Seeking her comfort? Again, that was for his sake, not hers, not theirs. This shouldn't be about putting his burdens onto her. What exactly did he want to tell her, and, more importantly, why? Somehow, he hadn't already planned it out, assessed and chosen.
So do it now. Quickly. The things that flashed into his mind, he seized and rifled through like a deck of cards.
Tivik. She wouldn't be surprised, knowing his work; and would probably understand, knowing war.
Galen. They'd already had that confrontation, did he really need to bring that all up for her again, uninvited, now? If she ever wanted more, he would give it at once, but that should be up to her, not him.
The CIS. He'd been far from the only dupe, there. There were thousands upon thousands of them. He'd been a child soldier. So had she. They'd been on opposite sides of that war, but had they really chosen them, or been chosen by them? …Well, that one was worth mentioning, because he didn't need anything from her, over it. He just wanted her to know. Knowing from her record, as he did, where she'd been born, and that she and him would have been enemies.]
I was a Separatist, from when I was six—when my father was killed—until I was fifteen—when Draven recruited me. If I'd known then what I know now, I probably would have defected. But I didn't, so I was.
[Xilo. Okay, why on Hoth…?]
My first girlfriend was in Alliance Intelligence. She betrayed us. She died. She'd been pregnant. I fought Draven until he approved a sterilization surgery for me so that could never happen again. Especially because I became a spy and started having to sleep with people for the work. She was the only person I've ever slept with because I chose to. Every other time, it's been for a mission.
[So much for measured assessment.
Well, that's as grotesque [to himself] as it got. You're committed now.]
I reprogrammed Kaytoo because Draven saw my last few near-fatalities in the field as suicidal and suspended me until I took a partner. I didn't want another organic because we're too unpredictable. I never tried to fix the side effect of the reprogram because I like that he's unfiltered and direct. Contrasts with all the lies in the rest of what I do. But I'd never paid attention to Droids Rights before; I hadn't thought through what I was doing. If I had the right. To do that to him. Since I didn't give him the choice to be loyal to me, I've just tried to be worthy of it.
I spent a year undercover as an aide to an Imperial grand admiral. I lived on Coruscant with him and his family. His wife blackmailed me into being her lover. I loved their kids so much. I left without saying goodbye or ever trying to tell them anything but what they were learning. I still think I should have tried even if it got me killed.
I didn't remember anything about my mother until I was twenty-four. I still don't really remember, I just found out. She and her colony had been firebombed by the Republic. My father pulled me out and took me with him to Carida Academy. He was training to be a Republic [proto-Imperial] officer.
[Pfassking, fedding…
Dams don't burst selectively. For years, if Cassian shared anything with anyone, it took deliberation. Secrecy and suppression had become so second-nature. But now, with Jyn, he couldn't withhold this after all.]
When I disobeyed my order to assassinate your father. I wish I'd made that choice because I saw you were right. Saw what was happening on that platform and realized Draven's theories didn't account for it, but yours did. Which is true. But isn't why. I disobeyed because you and he had the same eyes. I looked at him and only saw you.
[…Okay.
That was it. None of the assassinations—let's be real: murders—or other lies… but really, she knew that already. He'd told her when he'd been her enemy, how often he'd skated those margins, and why… she probably wouldn't want to be… around him.
His hands were closed around the blanket, either side of his knees. He released it, but didn't look up.]
I… understand if… we say goodnight now.
first of all how dare you. i was heartbroken at work ALL DAY.
Date: 2019-06-28 03:01 am (UTC)Still, she thought - don't I know you? Didn't we look at each other and see parts of ourselves reflected back? Isn't that why it hurt so much just to be in each other's presence, or was that just me? Don't I know you? Don't you know me? Don't we ...
I want to know you.
She knew exactly what it was to be a child fighting an adult's war, and while they might have found themselves on opposite sides, it hadn't been of their own accord. They hadn't been enemies, they had been victims.
And then Cassian continued, and her heart ached for him, what he had lost and what he had had to give up and what he would never have. She mourned for all the things he had had to do in the name of the cause - a particular pain that she knew very well herself.
Jyn didn't take her eyes away from Cassian, even as she inhaled sharply, desperately wondering why he felt it necessary to tell her something so incredibly personal - so incredibly traumatic.
The guilt washed off of him like waves, and soon, the air felt thick with it. But she wasn't so surprised to hear that some of it centered on Kay, and how the droid hadn't really been given the choice to work with Cassian - nor to be loyal to him, how Cassian wanted to be worthy of it. Most others wouldn't even give it a second thought, to be honest, Jyn included
But the statement that struck her the most - aside from perceived suicidal ideations - was the fact that Cassian hadn't wanted an organic partner. But last night, he'd intimated that he wanted to work with her, so why ...
She could only imagine how heartbreaking it was to leave those children behind. They were Imperial, yes, but they hadn't asked to be born into the lives they had. She hoped that somehow, those lucky children knew how much they had been loved, and took something from their time with Cassian, at least learned how to ask questions and make their own decisions and hopefully, eventually, would come to do the right thing.
And his own family ... not only the losses, but not knowing for so long what had even happened ... it reminded her so much of the way she'd been torn from her own parents, the long years of never knowing what had happened to her father short of rumor and speculation.
It was only when he mentioned her father that Jyn ducked her head and tried to hold on to what was left of her composure. Hot tears prickled the inside of her eyelids, and she silently told herself do not cry, do not cry, do not cry. Her chest heaved and her shoulders shook and she wanted to ask why didn't you shoot, why did you spare him only for me to lose him nonetheless and what's so special about my kriffing eyes ...
But when she finally glanced up again - met his eyes again - it was with nothing but a deep sadness in her own, maybe not a complete understanding but enough of one to be able to empathize with him, to share in some of the hurt and pain he'd clearly been holding into for so long.]
We've all done things we regret ... [she answered, her voice raw, her tone slow and measured] and you're not alone in the pain and guilt you feel. For the cause, we tell ourselves as we try to move on and sometimes ... those ghosts continue to haunt.
Do you really think I'd hate you after hearing these things? Do you really think that I'm innocent?
And why - why do you think I even deserve to know?
/HUGS!/ SORRY!!
Date: 2019-06-28 06:08 am (UTC)He hadn't wanted an organic partner… but he'd been wrong to think his relationship with Kay would be any less deep, any less complex. And hurt any less to lose. He knew better now. Anyway, he wasn't choosing a partner in Jyn. He was holding onto the bond already there. home. family.
He heard her breathing before he looked up; it made him look up. Her heaving breaths, the shaking shoulders, the shine of tears… without thinking, he slipped off the bed and went on his knees before her. Stopping shy of trying to take her hands; looking up into her face.]
No… I… think I knew you'd understand. I know you understand war. And so much we have in common. I wanted… however we go from here… to be your choice. You've not had a choice so many times. And… I've… manipulated people, lied to them, so many times.
['Course, he hadn't been able to manipulate Jyn even when he'd wanted to—We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!
Was that the first moment he'd felt… for her…?]
If you deserve…? I'm being a selfish bastard.
I trust you. I don't trust me. If I felt I was making you make decisions without enough information, because I hadn't given it to you…? …I don't know if this makes any sense. I just…
…I guess it wasn't about you. I'm sorry. It was about me. Assumed or implied consent isn't enough. For me. With you.
oh, don't be, i loved it <3
Date: 2019-06-28 07:54 am (UTC)However difficult, she refrained. And as he explained further, or tried to, she managed to mostly quell the hard, fast beating of her heart, and to battle to keep those tears from falling. It would do her no good to get that emotional when none of this was supposed to have been about her.
But then he asserted that he wanted her to have a choice, and when's the last time he had been granted that? Maybe she had never been given an opportunity to make a real choice rather than only ever doing what it took in order to survive.]
I may not know everything you've done, but I know who you are, Cassian. You came back for me over and over again, when you could have easily just given up on me. You believed me when you didn't have to. You almost died for me.
[She turned her hand over, palm up, inviting Cassian to take it or touch it if he felt like doing so.]
I trust you. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't. I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't think that there was a place here for me, or ... a reason to stay. Nobody is forcing me anymore, least of all you.
[She sighed shakily, but didn't drop her eyes away from his.]
I can't give you absolution, but I can give you understanding. I've - I've done things that I'm not proud of, I've done things that still eat me up inside - things no dossier can tell you. And I feel ... if it was important for you to tell me these things about you ... then I should probably do the same.
Because - you deserve the opportunity to figure out if I'm worth being with as well.
<3333!
Date: 2019-06-28 09:53 am (UTC)Her assessment of him… he'd lost the ability to cry years ago, but maybe that curse could be lifted someday, with her, because he felt that filling ache under his eyes—which did get brighter with it. And he accepted the invitation immediately: placing his hand gently onto hers. And not just palms: his fingers curled softly around and between her fingers.
He was grateful she said it. Even trusting her to take care of herself, make her own decisions, he needed to hear it. It wasn't just trusting that she could defend herself against him; he never ever wanted her to have to.
Being with. It felt like they'd crossed a boundary somewhere… and it made his heart thud and feel flooded and filled in a way that had never been allowed and maybe never existed before, and he was disbelievingly glad… it felt like they were talking about the same thing, after all. He wouldn't assume… but there was again what they'd felt in each other all along: understanding. Recognition.
His fingers tightened ever so slightly around hers.]
You don't owe it to me. I feel the same way. But if you want to tell, I want to hear, and I'm listening.
allllllll headcanon since my sw knowledge is uhhhhh 0%
Date: 2019-06-29 04:44 am (UTC)And she was reassured by the simple pleasure of the touch of his hand and the way he didn't even hesitate to tangle their fingers together, to allow her to hold onto him like he was her tether to the here and now, a reminder that even if reliving those memories hurt her, she wasn't alone.]
I barely remember what home is supposed to feel like. I lost any sense of safety I had - any sense of innocence - when that man took away my mother and my father and left me all alone. For everything Saw Gerrera did for me, being a parent and helping me grieve was not one of them.
I learned how to harden my heart and how to protect myself, how to fight, how to inflict maximum damage, but not how to heal. And I ... still hurt, Cassian. I'm still incomprehensively angry and sad and I don't know what to do with any of it.
[She sighed heavily, ducking her head and taking solace in the feel of his palm to hers, his fingers intertwined with hers.]
I tried to look out for the littlest ones, the ones who couldn't take care of themselves, like me, the ones who had lost parents or entire families and had nowhere else to go, no one else to look after them. Sometimes, they disappeared and never returned. And I - I tried to convince myself that perhaps they had been found and whisked away to a better life even though I ... I knew better.
But watching them lose their lives was worse. When you're helpless to save them, when there's nothing you can do -
[A sob wrenched its way from her throat and Jyn unconsciously squeezed Cassian's han a little tighter in response as she fought to regain her lost composure.]
I don't know that I was ever in love, but there was someone that I cared deeply about when I was still almost a child. We were fleeing from the 'troopers when he was shot through the heart. I was barely grazed, but I lost my balance and I took a fall from a roof. When I woke up, I was informed that it had resulted in the loss of a pregnancy I hadn't even known about.
The next time that I found myself ... expecting ... I decided to terminate. I wasn't with the father - it had been a short-term thing, and although I wanted to keep it ... it seemed selfish, bringing a life into such a hard, cruel world. Afterward, I asked for an implant so it wouldn't happen again, but ... Force only knows what else those back-alley medics might have done. I could find out, I suppose, but I'm ... scared. My health report is clean, thankfully, but I ... I can't bring myself to ask the details.
I wasn't only good at forging scandocs and moving from place to place. I needed credits, too, and - I was good at grifting or outright theft, if need be, but sometimes ... well, I know how to use what I want in order to get what I need. I'm not proud of it, but ... when it comes down to it, I know how to survive, even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give.
[And none of that was even taking into account the things that she had done while with the Partisans - the missions she had been a part of, those she had wounded or killed, and all in service of the greater good.
How could she even begin to explain how sick it made her feel to think of acceptable risks when it came to civilian casualties?
Jyn dared to glance at Cassian then, to try to gauge his expression, what he might be thinking or feeling, how he might be seeing her through brand new eyes now.]
I loved my father, but I hated him, too. I didn't know how I was going to feel when I saw him again, but when I did, it was only the years of loss and loneliness I had felt without him. It wasn't you that I blamed for his death, but I - it's still devastating that he was taken before I ever had a chance to tell him that I still loved him.
[The tears she'd been holding at bay finally broke through her last defenses, first one sliding soundlessly down her cheek, then another, and another.]
I was ready to die on that beach. I ... had done what I set out to do, we had lost so many already, and it was out of my hands. I had you, and I was ... content. I was ready to go, Cassian.
And now ...
Here we are.
(a) That was absolutely lovely, (b) Oh bb, I totally tag with wookieepedia open to help me ^_^
Date: 2019-06-29 05:32 am (UTC)When she sobbed, and her grip tightened on his arm, he instinctively sat further upright on his knees, bringing his arms and face and everything closer to her.
Twice, she'd lost or given up a possible child… at least once, one she'd wanted… All the pain Cassian had ever felt for his own sacrifice—what he'd considered just cost for just cause—he could never let himself have something that mattered more to him than the work… and, just like Jyn it sounded like, he couldn't trust the universe enough to give it another child… He brought up his other hand to wrap around hers, protecting her hand between both of his, warm and close. And refrained from offering now, but would later, to go with her to medical and stay with her the whole time and be her intermediary if she wanted one, if she ever did want to find out more.
…even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give. His eyes flickered down to their hands, hers still encased by his, and he gently squeezed. He understood completely. He, at least, had had the Rebellion. Had she been entirely on her own…?
Here we are.
Looking into her face again, Cassian removed one of his hands from around hers—to reach up, cup her cheek, and use his thumb to brush away the tears from under one of her eyes.
I was ready to go, too. Because I had you.
But what he responded to, softly, was about Galen:]
Did you get to speak to him at all? At the end?
thank you! and thank goodness for wookiepedia, too
Date: 2019-06-29 06:16 am (UTC)She was grateful for his presence as she spoke, even though a part of her - a large part - wanted to throw all caution to the wind and curl her arms around him to just ... hold each other again. But she refrained, contenting herself with the way he held her hand instead, the steadiness that was offered in such a seemingly simple gesture.
There was probably more that needed to be said, but Jyn couldn't find the words to continue on. Maybe she would be able to continue at another time, but for the moment, she felt totally and completely emotionally spent, bolstered by the gentle squeezes he offered her, the fact that she saw no pity, only understanding when she was finally able to take in the sight of him again after he so carefully wiped away her hot tears.
When was the last time she had felt so ... cared for?]
I told him that I saw his message, he told me that the weapon needed to be destroyed. He - he told me that he had so much more to tell me and then he ...
[Her expression crumbled and she shook her head slowly.]
I didn't even get a chance to say anything important, nothing that'd I'd wanted to tell him since I watched him leave. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
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Date: 2019-06-29 10:12 am (UTC)The man in white had the stormtroopers aim on the scientists. Dr Erso put himself in front of them. I wasn't sure at the time— [couldn't trust his own interpretations when he wanted…] —but I don't think there's another way to read it: the leak was discovered and Dr Erso tried to give himself up to save his team. The man in white killed the scientists anyway and struck Dr Erso to the ground.
It was too far away to read lips. But if the man in white did that… whatever he said next would have been designed to make your father despair.
Having 'so much more to tell' you… those are words of hope.
It doesn't make up for how it happened—how we failed you… but I don't think you failed him, Jyn. You transformed his last moments from despair to hope. That's… so much. That can be everything.
I know. It's what you did for me, too.
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Date: 2019-06-29 07:37 pm (UTC)But maybe Cassian was right. Maybe she had given him something akin to hope, that his efforts had not been in vain, that someone had been listening, that someone was going to do something, and if that was the best she could have done, maybe she should take solace in having had even the smallest opportunity to give him an iota of peace.
She dropped her head again, and the dam burst, sending torrets of scalding tears - perhaps all the tears she'd been holding back for so long - cascading down her cheeks, leaving great big wet spots as they hit their clasped hands and slid down to her thighs, soaking in to her worn trousers.
Finally - eventually, when she could breathe again, when the tears slowed, but did not cease - ]
Thank you.
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Date: 2019-06-30 01:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-30 02:14 am (UTC)Sorry. I'm sorry.
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Date: 2019-06-30 03:28 am (UTC)Nothing—you have nothing to apologize for. Not to me.
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Date: 2019-06-30 04:16 am (UTC)She had no more words to say, holding on just a little tighter as she tried t fight her way back to herself through a despair that she'd had locked away since she was a little girl, suddenly finding herself alone in a big, cruel universe.]
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Date: 2019-06-30 05:46 am (UTC)Another risk, now.]
I swear—let Kaytoo lecture me on probabilities for ten days straight if I'm lying—I'm not trying to trick you into anything. I promise on the Force. Just… well. Do you want to lie down? We could listen to holos or… just rest. For a while.
Or we can stay like this, right here. Or go out walking. Or anything else. It's fine. Either way. We have time. And I'm here.
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Date: 2019-06-30 06:16 am (UTC)Her sniffles shifted into a watery little laugh, and although she didn't have enough strength to pull away, not just yet, she loosened her grip to allow the hint of an exploration as she let her fingertips brush through the hair at the back of his neck.]
You're going to hurt your back if we stay like this for much longer. Can we ... lie down? Just for a little while! I'm not - I'm not ready to leave yet.
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Date: 2019-06-30 11:36 am (UTC)Yes. Stay as long as you like. …I don't want you to leave either.
[He suspected he was blushing as he sat back from her. —only to lever himself upright enough to sit again on the mattress. And moved back, to the half against the wall, leaving the other half for her. …Leaving his arm, also, hesitantly outstretched, for her to put her head on.]
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Date: 2019-06-30 03:59 pm (UTC)She wanted to tell him that she would stay as long as he wanted her, but instead, she struggled to swallow the lump in her throat down. Cassian was being so kind to her, so gentle with her, and she wasn't accustomed to any of it.
(She wanted to be.
Jyn took a breath and soon followed his lead, careful as she moved from chair to mattress, even more so as she tried to arrange herself into a position that was as comfortable for them both as possible, all the while trying to maintain as much contact as possible.
For warmth. For comfort. For all that and so much more that as of yet, she hadn't even discovered.]
I've never done this before.
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