[Jyn thought ... she could get used to bearing witness to Cassian's smile. She watched with an almost-breathless interest as he turned his hand over, and, after a moment, placed it over hers. For another moment, she was quiet as she took in (and tried to memorize) the warmth of his rough, calloused skin) this new contact.]
Yeah - [She breathed, nodding gently] me, too.
[The thought of being completely open was terrifying, but maybe ... in the wake of everything they had been through, with the tentative promise of what was yet to come, it was necessary to lay everything out, to find out where they stood and what they wanted, if there was a future in which they could be ...
[He'd been given private quarters—which was proof that he had not, indeed, been demoted. (Considering he'd half-expected to be courtmartialed…? …though really he hadn't expected to survive for any of it.) It was stepping into these that finally caught his senses up to the intellectual knowledge: they weren't on Yavin 4 anymore. The Massassi temple room had been simultaneously more angular and less symmetrical. They'd built Echo Base themselves, cannibalized from starships.
A brief survey of the room yielded nothing unexpected. He'd been issued regulation clothes, including cold-weather gear; datapad, data terminal, comm, a new transponder—with, yes, not just his insignia and homing capability but a hidden lullaby pill; utility belt, cot with bedding. He'd have to visit munitions to get a replacement blaster and holster. (Or, rather, he was allowed two.) That was it. Replacements of gear were from coming back in his shirtsleeves from Scarif. There was nothing personal. Of course, he'd had nothing personal to replace. The closest thing, which made him slightly smile, was that they'd bothered to find another Corellian-cut field jacket for him. Thank you, Draven.
There was (thank you, Force) a droid niche, currently empty. Kay was still undergoing repairs, too.
Cassian was appalled to find himself dizzy and breathless. The cold air might be partially to blame. But mostly, it confirmed what Medical had insisted: that he only be allowed to his own quarters if he didn't push himself. He sat on the edge of the cot, then indeed lay back, and may have dozed off for a bit—easier than he did as a rule. Until the doorchime went.]
[Jyn had been placed in shared barracks. But then, it made sense, because she had no real rank, and as far as the higher ups knew, it was very possible that she could up and leave at any moment, even though she had stuck around thus far.
Truthfully, she was surprised that she hadn't been court-martialed. She was surprised that she hadn't been thrown in what passed as a brig on Echo Base. But she was grateful that she had been given a place if she wanted it.
Because - the more she thought about it, the more she did want that place, the more she wanted to belong and be of use, and ... to stay where Cassian was.
She hadn't had any personal belongings in Wobani, so she had literally come to Yavin with only the clothes on her back and the truncheons that had been confiscated back during her liberation. Everything else that she was currently calling her own had come from other sources - the blaster, from Cassian, a few changes of secondhand clothing and other necessary items given when she had arrived.
It wasn't much, but it was hers - until they would belong to someone else.
But Jyn didn't want to think about the possibility. One step forward, one day at a time, nothing more, nothing less.
And today, the only pressing item she had to see to was visiting Cassian in his new quarters. She didn't know when he would be released from medical, so she tried not to arrive too early, nor too later. She didn't even know if he was there - hadn't checked otherwise - but eventually, she found herself at his door, pressing the buzzer to alert him of her presence.]
[How could she resist doing anything but returning his smile? Jyn nodded her thanks and took a deep breath before stepping forward from the hallway into Cassian's quarters - where they would truly be alone.]
Terrible, [he admitted, though still smiling; hitting the panel again for the door to close.] Better now you're here. […pfassk, was that a ridiculous thing to say… like a line, even though he meant it…?
He pulled the chair out from the data console and put it across from the bed, so one could sit on each—though the quarters were small enough, their knees would be practically alternating. He wouldn't mind them sitting side-by-side on the bed… except he worried about crossing lines…]
[Perhaps that was to be expected, after the surgeries and bacta dips. But what was unexpected was how readily Cassian shared the information - although, really, what had Jyn expected to hear? That he was fine? She knew very well how not fine he was, having spent as many free moments as she could sitting by his side while he recovered.
...
There was still so much recovery to be had.
Her cheeks flushed a faint pink and she ducked her head a little as she waited to be shown where she could sit - not that the room offered many choices.]
Sit down then - [She replied, gesturing to the bed. She'd take the chair, since she was accustomed to doing the same thing while in Medical. She would have suggested both sitting on the bed, but ... well, that was probably presumptuous on her part.]
As good as can be expected when one is sharing space with a group of other people.
…If you ever need some privacy, a space to yourself, I know it's small but you're welcome to come here. I can give you the passcode. —Once I'm on my feet, I never end up spending much time in my quarters. Only risk is that Kay will be here sometimes. [He gestured toward the niche.] But he prefers being out, generally, too.
I - well. I think I'd like that. Large groups of people are not exactly conducive to a restful environment. [Not that Jyn really knew how to rest properly.] I think I'd like a place where I can catch a breath.
[It would be like sharing a space ... except ... not.]
[The safest thing Jyn could find to say was - ] Thank you.
[That Cassian trusted her in his personal space and around his personal belongings meant a lot. That he was willing to share this space just because she felt uncomfortable and anxious in her own meant even more.]
I, uh - I'll probably take you up on the offer. Whether you're here or not, it's nice to know that I'll have somewhere to come if everything else feels ...
[Too much. Jyn accepted the datapad and quickly memorized the code. She'd copy it later, but for the moment, it was safe in her mind.]
The rise of emotion just then was… But Cassian emphatically did not want to conflate those issues now; make it seem like there was any condition or ulterior motive to the invitation.
But at what point did not wanting to impose become lying…?
Skies, he wanted to hold her. Invite her onto the bed with him and just… rest. Together.
He looked aside and pressed his hand to his eyes.]
Sorry. I'm still a bit out of it. I'm looking forward to being off the meds. I keep thinking about… Ugh.
[Jyn quietly cleared her throat as she shifted a bit, trying to find a way to get a little more comfortable where she sat. She wished she had the courage to ask if she could sit next to Cassian on the bed -
To sit close and rest together.
And if she was incredibly fortunate, to hold him and be held by him and share a little comfort with each other.
She looked on, concerned, finally leaning forward enough to be able to set a reassuring hand against his knee.]
Give it time, Cassian, you'll get better soon enough. [A pause. A breath.] What do you keep thinking about?
…beyond wanting her company every moment he could.
He was going to make sure, tonight, that it was fair. That she was choosing to be with him, in whatever capacity, fully informed of who he was.
So he answered, as calmly as he could:] Scarif.
[But then shook his head, to shake it off, and looked down at her hand. Tentatively, again so lightly she could get away without trouble, he put his over hers.]
I… um… was going to tell you some things. Make sure… you really want to keep… working with me. Now that it's your choice.
[Jyn remembered the context of their conversation the previous day as well. And while she wasn't here strictly for that, the implication behind the words had not been lost on her.
So, yes, while she was here because she wanted to be here and spending time with Cassian, she also knew that whatever was going to be said was clearly important to him, so she had already resolved to give him the attention and respect that he deserved.
Because she cared about him - almost unfathomably so.
Jyn kept very still as Cassian placed his hand atop hers, making no move at all to pull away, her eyes squarely on his face, trying to read his expression and gauge what it was he might be feeling.]
If you feel that it's necessary for you to do that, Cassian, I'll listen.
Wait. Think.What was he doing, exactly…? Seeking her forgiveness? For the things he'd done, it wasn't hers to give, and unfair to put on her. Seeking her comfort? Again, that was for his sake, not hers, not theirs. This shouldn't be about putting his burdens onto her. What exactly did he want to tell her, and, more importantly, why? Somehow, he hadn't already planned it out, assessed and chosen.
So do it now. Quickly. The things that flashed into his mind, he seized and rifled through like a deck of cards.
Tivik. She wouldn't be surprised, knowing his work; and would probably understand, knowing war. Galen. They'd already had that confrontation, did he really need to bring that all up for her again, uninvited, now? If she ever wanted more, he would give it at once, but that should be up to her, not him. The CIS. He'd been far from the only dupe, there. There were thousands upon thousands of them. He'd been a child soldier. So had she. They'd been on opposite sides of that war, but had they really chosen them, or been chosen by them? …Well, that one was worth mentioning, because he didn't need anything from her, over it. He just wanted her to know. Knowing from her record, as he did, where she'd been born, and that she and him would have been enemies.]
I was a Separatist, from when I was six—when my father was killed—until I was fifteen—when Draven recruited me. If I'd known then what I know now, I probably would have defected. But I didn't, so I was.
[Xilo. Okay, why on Hoth…?]
My first girlfriend was in Alliance Intelligence. She betrayed us. She died. She'd been pregnant. I fought Draven until he approved a sterilization surgery for me so that could never happen again. Especially because I became a spy and started having to sleep with people for the work. She was the only person I've ever slept with because I chose to. Every other time, it's been for a mission.
[So much for measured assessment.
Well, that's as grotesque [to himself] as it got. You're committed now.]
I reprogrammed Kaytoo because Draven saw my last few near-fatalities in the field as suicidal and suspended me until I took a partner. I didn't want another organic because we're too unpredictable. I never tried to fix the side effect of the reprogram because I like that he's unfiltered and direct. Contrasts with all the lies in the rest of what I do. But I'd never paid attention to Droids Rights before; I hadn't thought through what I was doing. If I had the right. To do that to him. Since I didn't give him the choice to be loyal to me, I've just tried to be worthy of it.
I spent a year undercover as an aide to an Imperial grand admiral. I lived on Coruscant with him and his family. His wife blackmailed me into being her lover. I loved their kids so much. I left without saying goodbye or ever trying to tell them anything but what they were learning. I still think I should have tried even if it got me killed.
I didn't remember anything about my mother until I was twenty-four. I still don't really remember, I just found out. She and her colony had been firebombed by the Republic. My father pulled me out and took me with him to Carida Academy. He was training to be a Republic [proto-Imperial] officer.
[Pfassking, fedding…
Dams don't burst selectively. For years, if Cassian shared anything with anyone, it took deliberation. Secrecy and suppression had become so second-nature. But now, with Jyn, he couldn't withhold this after all.]
When I disobeyed my order to assassinate your father. I wish I'd made that choice because I saw you were right. Saw what was happening on that platform and realized Draven's theories didn't account for it, but yours did. Which is true. But isn't why. I disobeyed because you and he had the same eyes. I looked at him and only saw you.
[…Okay.
That was it. None of the assassinations—let's be real: murders—or other lies… but really, she knew that already. He'd told her when he'd been her enemy, how often he'd skated those margins, and why… she probably wouldn't want to be… around him.
His hands were closed around the blanket, either side of his knees. He released it, but didn't look up.]
[Jyn promised to listen, and listen she would, no matter how long it took Cassian to find the words that he wanted her to hear. She almost wanted to insist that he didn't need to tell her anything, but it was clearly important to him, so who was she to deny him the opportunity to lighten some of what was weighing him down.
Still, she thought - don't I know you? Didn't we look at each other and see parts of ourselves reflected back? Isn't that why it hurt so much just to be in each other's presence, or was that just me? Don't I know you? Don't you know me? Don't we ...
I want to know you.
She knew exactly what it was to be a child fighting an adult's war, and while they might have found themselves on opposite sides, it hadn't been of their own accord. They hadn't been enemies, they had been victims.
And then Cassian continued, and her heart ached for him, what he had lost and what he had had to give up and what he would never have. She mourned for all the things he had had to do in the name of the cause - a particular pain that she knew very well herself.
Jyn didn't take her eyes away from Cassian, even as she inhaled sharply, desperately wondering why he felt it necessary to tell her something so incredibly personal - so incredibly traumatic.
The guilt washed off of him like waves, and soon, the air felt thick with it. But she wasn't so surprised to hear that some of it centered on Kay, and how the droid hadn't really been given the choice to work with Cassian - nor to be loyal to him, how Cassian wanted to be worthy of it. Most others wouldn't even give it a second thought, to be honest, Jyn included
But the statement that struck her the most - aside from perceived suicidal ideations - was the fact that Cassian hadn't wanted an organic partner. But last night, he'd intimated that he wanted to work with her, so why ...
She could only imagine how heartbreaking it was to leave those children behind. They were Imperial, yes, but they hadn't asked to be born into the lives they had. She hoped that somehow, those lucky children knew how much they had been loved, and took something from their time with Cassian, at least learned how to ask questions and make their own decisions and hopefully, eventually, would come to do the right thing.
And his own family ... not only the losses, but not knowing for so long what had even happened ... it reminded her so much of the way she'd been torn from her own parents, the long years of never knowing what had happened to her father short of rumor and speculation.
It was only when he mentioned her father that Jyn ducked her head and tried to hold on to what was left of her composure. Hot tears prickled the inside of her eyelids, and she silently told herself do not cry, do not cry, do not cry. Her chest heaved and her shoulders shook and she wanted to ask why didn't you shoot, why did you spare him only for me to lose him nonetheless and what's so special about my kriffing eyes ...
But when she finally glanced up again - met his eyes again - it was with nothing but a deep sadness in her own, maybe not a complete understanding but enough of one to be able to empathize with him, to share in some of the hurt and pain he'd clearly been holding into for so long.]
We've all done things we regret ... [she answered, her voice raw, her tone slow and measured] and you're not alone in the pain and guilt you feel. For the cause, we tell ourselves as we try to move on and sometimes ... those ghosts continue to haunt.
Do you really think I'd hate you after hearing these things? Do you really think that I'm innocent?
And why - why do you think I even deserve to know?
He hadn't wanted an organic partner… but he'd been wrong to think his relationship with Kay would be any less deep, any less complex. And hurt any less to lose. He knew better now. Anyway, he wasn't choosing a partner in Jyn. He was holding onto the bond already there. home. family.
He heard her breathing before he looked up; it made him look up. Her heaving breaths, the shaking shoulders, the shine of tears… without thinking, he slipped off the bed and went on his knees before her. Stopping shy of trying to take her hands; looking up into her face.]
No… I… think I knew you'd understand. I know you understand war. And so much we have in common. I wanted… however we go from here… to be your choice. You've not had a choice so many times. And… I've… manipulated people, lied to them, so many times.
['Course, he hadn't been able to manipulate Jyn even when he'd wanted to—We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!
Was that the first moment he'd felt… for her…?]
If you deserve…? I'm being a selfish bastard.
I trust you. I don't trust me. If I felt I was making you make decisions without enough information, because I hadn't given it to you…? …I don't know if this makes any sense. I just…
…I guess it wasn't about you. I'm sorry. It was about me. Assumed or implied consent isn't enough. For me. With you.
[Jyn shook her head weakly as Cassian took the floor in front of her, but there was probably no convincing him not to. She flexed her fingers painfully as she worked to regain her composure, a large part of her wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch - not only to reassure herself, but to do the same for him as well.
However difficult, she refrained. And as he explained further, or tried to, she managed to mostly quell the hard, fast beating of her heart, and to battle to keep those tears from falling. It would do her no good to get that emotional when none of this was supposed to have been about her.
But then he asserted that he wanted her to have a choice, and when's the last time he had been granted that? Maybe she had never been given an opportunity to make a real choice rather than only ever doing what it took in order to survive.]
I may not know everything you've done, but I know who you are, Cassian. You came back for me over and over again, when you could have easily just given up on me. You believed me when you didn't have to. You almost died for me.
[She turned her hand over, palm up, inviting Cassian to take it or touch it if he felt like doing so.]
I trust you. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't. I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't think that there was a place here for me, or ... a reason to stay. Nobody is forcing me anymore, least of all you.
[She sighed shakily, but didn't drop her eyes away from his.]
I can't give you absolution, but I can give you understanding. I've - I've done things that I'm not proud of, I've done things that still eat me up inside - things no dossier can tell you. And I feel ... if it was important for you to tell me these things about you ... then I should probably do the same.
Because - you deserve the opportunity to figure out if I'm worth being with as well.
[It was absolutely about her. He'd wanted it to be.
Her assessment of him… he'd lost the ability to cry years ago, but maybe that curse could be lifted someday, with her, because he felt that filling ache under his eyes—which did get brighter with it. And he accepted the invitation immediately: placing his hand gently onto hers. And not just palms: his fingers curled softly around and between her fingers.
He was grateful she said it. Even trusting her to take care of herself, make her own decisions, he needed to hear it. It wasn't just trusting that she could defend herself against him; he never ever wanted her to have to.
Being with. It felt like they'd crossed a boundary somewhere… and it made his heart thud and feel flooded and filled in a way that had never been allowed and maybe never existed before, and he was disbelievingly glad… it felt like they were talking about the same thing, after all. He wouldn't assume… but there was again what they'd felt in each other all along: understanding. Recognition.
His fingers tightened ever so slightly around hers.]
You don't owe it to me. I feel the same way. But if you want to tell, I want to hear, and I'm listening.
[Jyn didn't want to have to revisit memories she had hidden away as far as possible from the light of day. But if Cassian could find the strength to share such painful truths with her, well, the least she could do was dig deep down to the same.
And she was reassured by the simple pleasure of the touch of his hand and the way he didn't even hesitate to tangle their fingers together, to allow her to hold onto him like he was her tether to the here and now, a reminder that even if reliving those memories hurt her, she wasn't alone.]
I barely remember what home is supposed to feel like. I lost any sense of safety I had - any sense of innocence - when that man took away my mother and my father and left me all alone. For everything Saw Gerrera did for me, being a parent and helping me grieve was not one of them.
I learned how to harden my heart and how to protect myself, how to fight, how to inflict maximum damage, but not how to heal. And I ... still hurt, Cassian. I'm still incomprehensively angry and sad and I don't know what to do with any of it.
[She sighed heavily, ducking her head and taking solace in the feel of his palm to hers, his fingers intertwined with hers.]
I tried to look out for the littlest ones, the ones who couldn't take care of themselves, like me, the ones who had lost parents or entire families and had nowhere else to go, no one else to look after them. Sometimes, they disappeared and never returned. And I - I tried to convince myself that perhaps they had been found and whisked away to a better life even though I ... I knew better.
But watching them lose their lives was worse. When you're helpless to save them, when there's nothing you can do -
[A sob wrenched its way from her throat and Jyn unconsciously squeezed Cassian's han a little tighter in response as she fought to regain her lost composure.]
I don't know that I was ever in love, but there was someone that I cared deeply about when I was still almost a child. We were fleeing from the 'troopers when he was shot through the heart. I was barely grazed, but I lost my balance and I took a fall from a roof. When I woke up, I was informed that it had resulted in the loss of a pregnancy I hadn't even known about.
The next time that I found myself ... expecting ... I decided to terminate. I wasn't with the father - it had been a short-term thing, and although I wanted to keep it ... it seemed selfish, bringing a life into such a hard, cruel world. Afterward, I asked for an implant so it wouldn't happen again, but ... Force only knows what else those back-alley medics might have done. I could find out, I suppose, but I'm ... scared. My health report is clean, thankfully, but I ... I can't bring myself to ask the details.
I wasn't only good at forging scandocs and moving from place to place. I needed credits, too, and - I was good at grifting or outright theft, if need be, but sometimes ... well, I know how to use what I want in order to get what I need. I'm not proud of it, but ... when it comes down to it, I know how to survive, even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give.
[And none of that was even taking into account the things that she had done while with the Partisans - the missions she had been a part of, those she had wounded or killed, and all in service of the greater good.
How could she even begin to explain how sick it made her feel to think of acceptable risks when it came to civilian casualties?
Jyn dared to glance at Cassian then, to try to gauge his expression, what he might be thinking or feeling, how he might be seeing her through brand new eyes now.]
I loved my father, but I hated him, too. I didn't know how I was going to feel when I saw him again, but when I did, it was only the years of loss and loneliness I had felt without him. It wasn't you that I blamed for his death, but I - it's still devastating that he was taken before I ever had a chance to tell him that I still loved him.
[The tears she'd been holding at bay finally broke through her last defenses, first one sliding soundlessly down her cheek, then another, and another.]
I was ready to die on that beach. I ... had done what I set out to do, we had lost so many already, and it was out of my hands. I had you, and I was ... content. I was ready to go, Cassian.
[when that man took away my mother and my father and left me all alone . Cassian remembered how Jyn had started back toward the man in white, lying crumpled where Cassian had shot him—and Cassian had held onto her arm and pulled her back to him by it, forcing her not to make the very kind of decision Cassian had once made… Had that been right of him, really for her, or just selfish, not wanting to spend the end of his life on war…?
When she sobbed, and her grip tightened on his arm, he instinctively sat further upright on his knees, bringing his arms and face and everything closer to her.
Twice, she'd lost or given up a possible child… at least once, one she'd wanted… All the pain Cassian had ever felt for his own sacrifice—what he'd considered just cost for just cause—he could never let himself have something that mattered more to him than the work… and, just like Jyn it sounded like, he couldn't trust the universe enough to give it another child… He brought up his other hand to wrap around hers, protecting her hand between both of his, warm and close. And refrained from offering now, but would later, to go with her to medical and stay with her the whole time and be her intermediary if she wanted one, if she ever did want to find out more.
…even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give. His eyes flickered down to their hands, hers still encased by his, and he gently squeezed. He understood completely. He, at least, had had the Rebellion. Had she been entirely on her own…?
Here we are.
Looking into her face again, Cassian removed one of his hands from around hers—to reach up, cup her cheek, and use his thumb to brush away the tears from under one of her eyes.
I was ready to go, too. Because I had you.
But what he responded to, softly, was about Galen:]
[In the end, Krennic had gotten exactly what he deserved. And while Jyn would have liked nothing better than to have taken some sort of revenge, ultimately, she was glad that Cassian had urged her away from it, that he had pulled her to him instead, that they had managed to find some measure of peace together on that beach, waiting for the end to come.
She was grateful for his presence as she spoke, even though a part of her - a large part - wanted to throw all caution to the wind and curl her arms around him to just ... hold each other again. But she refrained, contenting herself with the way he held her hand instead, the steadiness that was offered in such a seemingly simple gesture.
There was probably more that needed to be said, but Jyn couldn't find the words to continue on. Maybe she would be able to continue at another time, but for the moment, she felt totally and completely emotionally spent, bolstered by the gentle squeezes he offered her, the fact that she saw no pity, only understanding when she was finally able to take in the sight of him again after he so carefully wiped away her hot tears.
When was the last time she had felt so ... cared for?]
I told him that I saw his message, he told me that the weapon needed to be destroyed. He - he told me that he had so much more to tell me and then he ...
[Her expression crumbled and she shook her head slowly.]
I didn't even get a chance to say anything important, nothing that'd I'd wanted to tell him since I watched him leave. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
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no subject
Date: 2019-06-26 05:24 pm (UTC)Yeah - [She breathed, nodding gently] me, too.
[The thought of being completely open was terrifying, but maybe ... in the wake of everything they had been through, with the tentative promise of what was yet to come, it was necessary to lay everything out, to find out where they stood and what they wanted, if there was a future in which they could be ...
Partners.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 03:00 am (UTC)A brief survey of the room yielded nothing unexpected. He'd been issued regulation clothes, including cold-weather gear; datapad, data terminal, comm, a new transponder—with, yes, not just his insignia and homing capability but a hidden lullaby pill; utility belt, cot with bedding. He'd have to visit munitions to get a replacement blaster and holster. (Or, rather, he was allowed two.) That was it. Replacements of gear were from coming back in his shirtsleeves from Scarif. There was nothing personal. Of course, he'd had nothing personal to replace. The closest thing, which made him slightly smile, was that they'd bothered to find another Corellian-cut field jacket for him. Thank you, Draven.
There was (thank you, Force) a droid niche, currently empty. Kay was still undergoing repairs, too.
Cassian was appalled to find himself dizzy and breathless. The cold air might be partially to blame. But mostly, it confirmed what Medical had insisted: that he only be allowed to his own quarters if he didn't push himself. He sat on the edge of the cot, then indeed lay back, and may have dozed off for a bit—easier than he did as a rule. Until the doorchime went.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 05:17 am (UTC)Truthfully, she was surprised that she hadn't been court-martialed. She was surprised that she hadn't been thrown in what passed as a brig on Echo Base. But she was grateful that she had been given a place if she wanted it.
Because - the more she thought about it, the more she did want that place, the more she wanted to belong and be of use, and ... to stay where Cassian was.
She hadn't had any personal belongings in Wobani, so she had literally come to Yavin with only the clothes on her back and the truncheons that had been confiscated back during her liberation. Everything else that she was currently calling her own had come from other sources - the blaster, from Cassian, a few changes of secondhand clothing and other necessary items given when she had arrived.
It wasn't much, but it was hers - until they would belong to someone else.
But Jyn didn't want to think about the possibility. One step forward, one day at a time, nothing more, nothing less.
And today, the only pressing item she had to see to was visiting Cassian in his new quarters. She didn't know when he would be released from medical, so she tried not to arrive too early, nor too later. She didn't even know if he was there - hadn't checked otherwise - but eventually, she found herself at his door, pressing the buzzer to alert him of her presence.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 05:23 am (UTC)Seeing it was Jyn on the other side… his face broke into a positively bright smile.]
Hey. Come in.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 05:28 am (UTC)How are you feeling?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 05:45 am (UTC)He pulled the chair out from the data console and put it across from the bed, so one could sit on each—though the quarters were small enough, their knees would be practically alternating. He wouldn't mind them sitting side-by-side on the bed… except he worried about crossing lines…]
I haven't even asked how your quarters are.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 05:58 am (UTC)...
There was still so much recovery to be had.
Her cheeks flushed a faint pink and she ducked her head a little as she waited to be shown where she could sit - not that the room offered many choices.]
Sit down then - [She replied, gesturing to the bed. She'd take the chair, since she was accustomed to doing the same thing while in Medical. She would have suggested both sitting on the bed, but ... well, that was probably presumptuous on her part.]
As good as can be expected when one is sharing space with a group of other people.
[Not ideal, but she was managing.]
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Date: 2019-06-27 06:26 am (UTC)I remember.
…If you ever need some privacy, a space to yourself, I know it's small but you're welcome to come here. I can give you the passcode. —Once I'm on my feet, I never end up spending much time in my quarters. Only risk is that Kay will be here sometimes. [He gestured toward the niche.] But he prefers being out, generally, too.
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Date: 2019-06-27 06:33 am (UTC)[It would be like sharing a space ... except ... not.]
I wouldn't want to ... overstay my welcome.
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Date: 2019-06-27 06:38 am (UTC)You're welcome when I am here, too. I just meant, I don't have to be for you to… [feel at home? get ahold of yourself] …be.
[Clearing his throat, he looked aside, saw his datapad, grabbed it and entered the passcode, to hand to her to memorize or copy as she liked.]
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Date: 2019-06-27 06:51 am (UTC)[That Cassian trusted her in his personal space and around his personal belongings meant a lot. That he was willing to share this space just because she felt uncomfortable and anxious in her own meant even more.]
I, uh - I'll probably take you up on the offer. Whether you're here or not, it's nice to know that I'll have somewhere to come if everything else feels ...
[Too much. Jyn accepted the datapad and quickly memorized the code. She'd copy it later, but for the moment, it was safe in her mind.]
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Date: 2019-06-27 07:05 am (UTC)Stay now. Tonight.
The rise of emotion just then was… But Cassian emphatically did not want to conflate those issues now; make it seem like there was any condition or ulterior motive to the invitation.
But at what point did not wanting to impose become lying…?
Skies, he wanted to hold her. Invite her onto the bed with him and just… rest. Together.
He looked aside and pressed his hand to his eyes.]
Sorry. I'm still a bit out of it. I'm looking forward to being off the meds. I keep thinking about… Ugh.
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Date: 2019-06-27 07:23 am (UTC)To sit close and rest together.
And if she was incredibly fortunate, to hold him and be held by him and share a little comfort with each other.
She looked on, concerned, finally leaning forward enough to be able to set a reassuring hand against his knee.]
Give it time, Cassian, you'll get better soon enough. [A pause. A breath.] What do you keep thinking about?
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Date: 2019-06-27 07:30 am (UTC)…beyond wanting her company every moment he could.
He was going to make sure, tonight, that it was fair. That she was choosing to be with him, in whatever capacity, fully informed of who he was.
So he answered, as calmly as he could:] Scarif.
[But then shook his head, to shake it off, and looked down at her hand. Tentatively, again so lightly she could get away without trouble, he put his over hers.]
I… um… was going to tell you some things. Make sure… you really want to keep… working with me. Now that it's your choice.
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Date: 2019-06-27 02:59 pm (UTC)So, yes, while she was here because she wanted to be here and spending time with Cassian, she also knew that whatever was going to be said was clearly important to him, so she had already resolved to give him the attention and respect that he deserved.
Because she cared about him - almost unfathomably so.
Jyn kept very still as Cassian placed his hand atop hers, making no move at all to pull away, her eyes squarely on his face, trying to read his expression and gauge what it was he might be feeling.]
If you feel that it's necessary for you to do that, Cassian, I'll listen.
cw: past dubcon, headcanon up the whazzoo, and some stuff based on the novelization
Date: 2019-06-27 04:47 pm (UTC)Closed it again.
Wait. Think. What was he doing, exactly…? Seeking her forgiveness? For the things he'd done, it wasn't hers to give, and unfair to put on her. Seeking her comfort? Again, that was for his sake, not hers, not theirs. This shouldn't be about putting his burdens onto her. What exactly did he want to tell her, and, more importantly, why? Somehow, he hadn't already planned it out, assessed and chosen.
So do it now. Quickly. The things that flashed into his mind, he seized and rifled through like a deck of cards.
Tivik. She wouldn't be surprised, knowing his work; and would probably understand, knowing war.
Galen. They'd already had that confrontation, did he really need to bring that all up for her again, uninvited, now? If she ever wanted more, he would give it at once, but that should be up to her, not him.
The CIS. He'd been far from the only dupe, there. There were thousands upon thousands of them. He'd been a child soldier. So had she. They'd been on opposite sides of that war, but had they really chosen them, or been chosen by them? …Well, that one was worth mentioning, because he didn't need anything from her, over it. He just wanted her to know. Knowing from her record, as he did, where she'd been born, and that she and him would have been enemies.]
I was a Separatist, from when I was six—when my father was killed—until I was fifteen—when Draven recruited me. If I'd known then what I know now, I probably would have defected. But I didn't, so I was.
[Xilo. Okay, why on Hoth…?]
My first girlfriend was in Alliance Intelligence. She betrayed us. She died. She'd been pregnant. I fought Draven until he approved a sterilization surgery for me so that could never happen again. Especially because I became a spy and started having to sleep with people for the work. She was the only person I've ever slept with because I chose to. Every other time, it's been for a mission.
[So much for measured assessment.
Well, that's as grotesque [to himself] as it got. You're committed now.]
I reprogrammed Kaytoo because Draven saw my last few near-fatalities in the field as suicidal and suspended me until I took a partner. I didn't want another organic because we're too unpredictable. I never tried to fix the side effect of the reprogram because I like that he's unfiltered and direct. Contrasts with all the lies in the rest of what I do. But I'd never paid attention to Droids Rights before; I hadn't thought through what I was doing. If I had the right. To do that to him. Since I didn't give him the choice to be loyal to me, I've just tried to be worthy of it.
I spent a year undercover as an aide to an Imperial grand admiral. I lived on Coruscant with him and his family. His wife blackmailed me into being her lover. I loved their kids so much. I left without saying goodbye or ever trying to tell them anything but what they were learning. I still think I should have tried even if it got me killed.
I didn't remember anything about my mother until I was twenty-four. I still don't really remember, I just found out. She and her colony had been firebombed by the Republic. My father pulled me out and took me with him to Carida Academy. He was training to be a Republic [proto-Imperial] officer.
[Pfassking, fedding…
Dams don't burst selectively. For years, if Cassian shared anything with anyone, it took deliberation. Secrecy and suppression had become so second-nature. But now, with Jyn, he couldn't withhold this after all.]
When I disobeyed my order to assassinate your father. I wish I'd made that choice because I saw you were right. Saw what was happening on that platform and realized Draven's theories didn't account for it, but yours did. Which is true. But isn't why. I disobeyed because you and he had the same eyes. I looked at him and only saw you.
[…Okay.
That was it. None of the assassinations—let's be real: murders—or other lies… but really, she knew that already. He'd told her when he'd been her enemy, how often he'd skated those margins, and why… she probably wouldn't want to be… around him.
His hands were closed around the blanket, either side of his knees. He released it, but didn't look up.]
I… understand if… we say goodnight now.
first of all how dare you. i was heartbroken at work ALL DAY.
Date: 2019-06-28 03:01 am (UTC)Still, she thought - don't I know you? Didn't we look at each other and see parts of ourselves reflected back? Isn't that why it hurt so much just to be in each other's presence, or was that just me? Don't I know you? Don't you know me? Don't we ...
I want to know you.
She knew exactly what it was to be a child fighting an adult's war, and while they might have found themselves on opposite sides, it hadn't been of their own accord. They hadn't been enemies, they had been victims.
And then Cassian continued, and her heart ached for him, what he had lost and what he had had to give up and what he would never have. She mourned for all the things he had had to do in the name of the cause - a particular pain that she knew very well herself.
Jyn didn't take her eyes away from Cassian, even as she inhaled sharply, desperately wondering why he felt it necessary to tell her something so incredibly personal - so incredibly traumatic.
The guilt washed off of him like waves, and soon, the air felt thick with it. But she wasn't so surprised to hear that some of it centered on Kay, and how the droid hadn't really been given the choice to work with Cassian - nor to be loyal to him, how Cassian wanted to be worthy of it. Most others wouldn't even give it a second thought, to be honest, Jyn included
But the statement that struck her the most - aside from perceived suicidal ideations - was the fact that Cassian hadn't wanted an organic partner. But last night, he'd intimated that he wanted to work with her, so why ...
She could only imagine how heartbreaking it was to leave those children behind. They were Imperial, yes, but they hadn't asked to be born into the lives they had. She hoped that somehow, those lucky children knew how much they had been loved, and took something from their time with Cassian, at least learned how to ask questions and make their own decisions and hopefully, eventually, would come to do the right thing.
And his own family ... not only the losses, but not knowing for so long what had even happened ... it reminded her so much of the way she'd been torn from her own parents, the long years of never knowing what had happened to her father short of rumor and speculation.
It was only when he mentioned her father that Jyn ducked her head and tried to hold on to what was left of her composure. Hot tears prickled the inside of her eyelids, and she silently told herself do not cry, do not cry, do not cry. Her chest heaved and her shoulders shook and she wanted to ask why didn't you shoot, why did you spare him only for me to lose him nonetheless and what's so special about my kriffing eyes ...
But when she finally glanced up again - met his eyes again - it was with nothing but a deep sadness in her own, maybe not a complete understanding but enough of one to be able to empathize with him, to share in some of the hurt and pain he'd clearly been holding into for so long.]
We've all done things we regret ... [she answered, her voice raw, her tone slow and measured] and you're not alone in the pain and guilt you feel. For the cause, we tell ourselves as we try to move on and sometimes ... those ghosts continue to haunt.
Do you really think I'd hate you after hearing these things? Do you really think that I'm innocent?
And why - why do you think I even deserve to know?
/HUGS!/ SORRY!!
Date: 2019-06-28 06:08 am (UTC)He hadn't wanted an organic partner… but he'd been wrong to think his relationship with Kay would be any less deep, any less complex. And hurt any less to lose. He knew better now. Anyway, he wasn't choosing a partner in Jyn. He was holding onto the bond already there. home. family.
He heard her breathing before he looked up; it made him look up. Her heaving breaths, the shaking shoulders, the shine of tears… without thinking, he slipped off the bed and went on his knees before her. Stopping shy of trying to take her hands; looking up into her face.]
No… I… think I knew you'd understand. I know you understand war. And so much we have in common. I wanted… however we go from here… to be your choice. You've not had a choice so many times. And… I've… manipulated people, lied to them, so many times.
['Course, he hadn't been able to manipulate Jyn even when he'd wanted to—We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!
Was that the first moment he'd felt… for her…?]
If you deserve…? I'm being a selfish bastard.
I trust you. I don't trust me. If I felt I was making you make decisions without enough information, because I hadn't given it to you…? …I don't know if this makes any sense. I just…
…I guess it wasn't about you. I'm sorry. It was about me. Assumed or implied consent isn't enough. For me. With you.
oh, don't be, i loved it <3
Date: 2019-06-28 07:54 am (UTC)However difficult, she refrained. And as he explained further, or tried to, she managed to mostly quell the hard, fast beating of her heart, and to battle to keep those tears from falling. It would do her no good to get that emotional when none of this was supposed to have been about her.
But then he asserted that he wanted her to have a choice, and when's the last time he had been granted that? Maybe she had never been given an opportunity to make a real choice rather than only ever doing what it took in order to survive.]
I may not know everything you've done, but I know who you are, Cassian. You came back for me over and over again, when you could have easily just given up on me. You believed me when you didn't have to. You almost died for me.
[She turned her hand over, palm up, inviting Cassian to take it or touch it if he felt like doing so.]
I trust you. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't. I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't think that there was a place here for me, or ... a reason to stay. Nobody is forcing me anymore, least of all you.
[She sighed shakily, but didn't drop her eyes away from his.]
I can't give you absolution, but I can give you understanding. I've - I've done things that I'm not proud of, I've done things that still eat me up inside - things no dossier can tell you. And I feel ... if it was important for you to tell me these things about you ... then I should probably do the same.
Because - you deserve the opportunity to figure out if I'm worth being with as well.
<3333!
Date: 2019-06-28 09:53 am (UTC)Her assessment of him… he'd lost the ability to cry years ago, but maybe that curse could be lifted someday, with her, because he felt that filling ache under his eyes—which did get brighter with it. And he accepted the invitation immediately: placing his hand gently onto hers. And not just palms: his fingers curled softly around and between her fingers.
He was grateful she said it. Even trusting her to take care of herself, make her own decisions, he needed to hear it. It wasn't just trusting that she could defend herself against him; he never ever wanted her to have to.
Being with. It felt like they'd crossed a boundary somewhere… and it made his heart thud and feel flooded and filled in a way that had never been allowed and maybe never existed before, and he was disbelievingly glad… it felt like they were talking about the same thing, after all. He wouldn't assume… but there was again what they'd felt in each other all along: understanding. Recognition.
His fingers tightened ever so slightly around hers.]
You don't owe it to me. I feel the same way. But if you want to tell, I want to hear, and I'm listening.
allllllll headcanon since my sw knowledge is uhhhhh 0%
Date: 2019-06-29 04:44 am (UTC)And she was reassured by the simple pleasure of the touch of his hand and the way he didn't even hesitate to tangle their fingers together, to allow her to hold onto him like he was her tether to the here and now, a reminder that even if reliving those memories hurt her, she wasn't alone.]
I barely remember what home is supposed to feel like. I lost any sense of safety I had - any sense of innocence - when that man took away my mother and my father and left me all alone. For everything Saw Gerrera did for me, being a parent and helping me grieve was not one of them.
I learned how to harden my heart and how to protect myself, how to fight, how to inflict maximum damage, but not how to heal. And I ... still hurt, Cassian. I'm still incomprehensively angry and sad and I don't know what to do with any of it.
[She sighed heavily, ducking her head and taking solace in the feel of his palm to hers, his fingers intertwined with hers.]
I tried to look out for the littlest ones, the ones who couldn't take care of themselves, like me, the ones who had lost parents or entire families and had nowhere else to go, no one else to look after them. Sometimes, they disappeared and never returned. And I - I tried to convince myself that perhaps they had been found and whisked away to a better life even though I ... I knew better.
But watching them lose their lives was worse. When you're helpless to save them, when there's nothing you can do -
[A sob wrenched its way from her throat and Jyn unconsciously squeezed Cassian's han a little tighter in response as she fought to regain her lost composure.]
I don't know that I was ever in love, but there was someone that I cared deeply about when I was still almost a child. We were fleeing from the 'troopers when he was shot through the heart. I was barely grazed, but I lost my balance and I took a fall from a roof. When I woke up, I was informed that it had resulted in the loss of a pregnancy I hadn't even known about.
The next time that I found myself ... expecting ... I decided to terminate. I wasn't with the father - it had been a short-term thing, and although I wanted to keep it ... it seemed selfish, bringing a life into such a hard, cruel world. Afterward, I asked for an implant so it wouldn't happen again, but ... Force only knows what else those back-alley medics might have done. I could find out, I suppose, but I'm ... scared. My health report is clean, thankfully, but I ... I can't bring myself to ask the details.
I wasn't only good at forging scandocs and moving from place to place. I needed credits, too, and - I was good at grifting or outright theft, if need be, but sometimes ... well, I know how to use what I want in order to get what I need. I'm not proud of it, but ... when it comes down to it, I know how to survive, even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give.
[And none of that was even taking into account the things that she had done while with the Partisans - the missions she had been a part of, those she had wounded or killed, and all in service of the greater good.
How could she even begin to explain how sick it made her feel to think of acceptable risks when it came to civilian casualties?
Jyn dared to glance at Cassian then, to try to gauge his expression, what he might be thinking or feeling, how he might be seeing her through brand new eyes now.]
I loved my father, but I hated him, too. I didn't know how I was going to feel when I saw him again, but when I did, it was only the years of loss and loneliness I had felt without him. It wasn't you that I blamed for his death, but I - it's still devastating that he was taken before I ever had a chance to tell him that I still loved him.
[The tears she'd been holding at bay finally broke through her last defenses, first one sliding soundlessly down her cheek, then another, and another.]
I was ready to die on that beach. I ... had done what I set out to do, we had lost so many already, and it was out of my hands. I had you, and I was ... content. I was ready to go, Cassian.
And now ...
Here we are.
(a) That was absolutely lovely, (b) Oh bb, I totally tag with wookieepedia open to help me ^_^
Date: 2019-06-29 05:32 am (UTC)When she sobbed, and her grip tightened on his arm, he instinctively sat further upright on his knees, bringing his arms and face and everything closer to her.
Twice, she'd lost or given up a possible child… at least once, one she'd wanted… All the pain Cassian had ever felt for his own sacrifice—what he'd considered just cost for just cause—he could never let himself have something that mattered more to him than the work… and, just like Jyn it sounded like, he couldn't trust the universe enough to give it another child… He brought up his other hand to wrap around hers, protecting her hand between both of his, warm and close. And refrained from offering now, but would later, to go with her to medical and stay with her the whole time and be her intermediary if she wanted one, if she ever did want to find out more.
…even if that meant selling the only thing I had to give. His eyes flickered down to their hands, hers still encased by his, and he gently squeezed. He understood completely. He, at least, had had the Rebellion. Had she been entirely on her own…?
Here we are.
Looking into her face again, Cassian removed one of his hands from around hers—to reach up, cup her cheek, and use his thumb to brush away the tears from under one of her eyes.
I was ready to go, too. Because I had you.
But what he responded to, softly, was about Galen:]
Did you get to speak to him at all? At the end?
thank you! and thank goodness for wookiepedia, too
Date: 2019-06-29 06:16 am (UTC)She was grateful for his presence as she spoke, even though a part of her - a large part - wanted to throw all caution to the wind and curl her arms around him to just ... hold each other again. But she refrained, contenting herself with the way he held her hand instead, the steadiness that was offered in such a seemingly simple gesture.
There was probably more that needed to be said, but Jyn couldn't find the words to continue on. Maybe she would be able to continue at another time, but for the moment, she felt totally and completely emotionally spent, bolstered by the gentle squeezes he offered her, the fact that she saw no pity, only understanding when she was finally able to take in the sight of him again after he so carefully wiped away her hot tears.
When was the last time she had felt so ... cared for?]
I told him that I saw his message, he told me that the weapon needed to be destroyed. He - he told me that he had so much more to tell me and then he ...
[Her expression crumbled and she shook her head slowly.]
I didn't even get a chance to say anything important, nothing that'd I'd wanted to tell him since I watched him leave. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
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