[For a moment, Jyn's brain seemed to short-circuit. Did Cassian really mean what she thought he was insinuating, or did she just want it so desperately that she was reading into everything?]
[A breath he felt like he'd been holding since Scarif releases at last.
There're still unknowns, shouldn't-dare-expects and in-spite-of-himself-hopes. But everything else is negotiable, as long as he can stay at her side.
He even kinda thought she sounded a little emotional. But he wouldn't bet on it; not when his objectivity was so far lost when it came to anything Jyn Erso.
A rare moment of not thinking too hard about what he said next:]
He found he wanted her to know so much… so many of the small memories he'd shared with Kay or no one else at all…
But there was also so much he wished had never happened, so she didn't have to know, but not because he was holding back. Things he probably should tell up front, so she could decide immediately, before anything went any further (if it would), whether she actually wanted anything more/at all to do with him.]
…I guess… there are things… I… might talk about tomorrow. [However little anyone might be listening here, he wasn't going to… confess, he guessed, in medical.] Make sure… you know about me before… to make sure you do want to be in the same team. Or so you don't find out some other way, some other time.
At the same time, I don't know that it's right to put stuff like that on you.
I'm not sure. …I've never had a partner but Kaytoo.
[There was so much that Jyn wanted to know ... and so much that she wanted to share, too.
It couldn't be healthy to hold everything inside - emotionally or physically - and yet, she had never had anyone close enough to confide in. Cassian had told her 'welcome home', and Jyn had felt, maybe for the first time in her life, that she could find one here, that she could find a confidant in him, a friend ... maybe more. If he wanted more, Force, she hoped that he wanted more, or would grow to.
He had read her dossier, he was right about that, but a dossier couldn't tell him everything. And it was all the little details that she wanted him to know, the things she had seen and done and cried about. The good, the bad, everything in between, if he wanted to know.
And then, he could make the decision if she was still worthy of his time and consideration. It seemed to her that they were on the same wavelength when it came to that. Maybe that was a good sign.]
Alright - [she agreed, her lips lifting into just the hint of what she hoped was a reassuring smile] - Tomorrow, then.
[They would talk - really talk - and decide where to go from there.]
[He smiled again, smaller than a previous but still more effortless, even spontaneous, than most in his life. Risking it, he shifted his hand to, just a moment—lightly so she could get away instantly if she wanted—fold over hers.]
I think it's going to help me get through the night—looking forward to that.
[Oh, skies. Good thing Kay wasn't there with them just now. He might have something to say about Cassian's unusual… expressiveness, maybe.]
[Jyn thought ... she could get used to bearing witness to Cassian's smile. She watched with an almost-breathless interest as he turned his hand over, and, after a moment, placed it over hers. For another moment, she was quiet as she took in (and tried to memorize) the warmth of his rough, calloused skin) this new contact.]
Yeah - [She breathed, nodding gently] me, too.
[The thought of being completely open was terrifying, but maybe ... in the wake of everything they had been through, with the tentative promise of what was yet to come, it was necessary to lay everything out, to find out where they stood and what they wanted, if there was a future in which they could be ...
[He'd been given private quarters—which was proof that he had not, indeed, been demoted. (Considering he'd half-expected to be courtmartialed…? …though really he hadn't expected to survive for any of it.) It was stepping into these that finally caught his senses up to the intellectual knowledge: they weren't on Yavin 4 anymore. The Massassi temple room had been simultaneously more angular and less symmetrical. They'd built Echo Base themselves, cannibalized from starships.
A brief survey of the room yielded nothing unexpected. He'd been issued regulation clothes, including cold-weather gear; datapad, data terminal, comm, a new transponder—with, yes, not just his insignia and homing capability but a hidden lullaby pill; utility belt, cot with bedding. He'd have to visit munitions to get a replacement blaster and holster. (Or, rather, he was allowed two.) That was it. Replacements of gear were from coming back in his shirtsleeves from Scarif. There was nothing personal. Of course, he'd had nothing personal to replace. The closest thing, which made him slightly smile, was that they'd bothered to find another Corellian-cut field jacket for him. Thank you, Draven.
There was (thank you, Force) a droid niche, currently empty. Kay was still undergoing repairs, too.
Cassian was appalled to find himself dizzy and breathless. The cold air might be partially to blame. But mostly, it confirmed what Medical had insisted: that he only be allowed to his own quarters if he didn't push himself. He sat on the edge of the cot, then indeed lay back, and may have dozed off for a bit—easier than he did as a rule. Until the doorchime went.]
[Jyn had been placed in shared barracks. But then, it made sense, because she had no real rank, and as far as the higher ups knew, it was very possible that she could up and leave at any moment, even though she had stuck around thus far.
Truthfully, she was surprised that she hadn't been court-martialed. She was surprised that she hadn't been thrown in what passed as a brig on Echo Base. But she was grateful that she had been given a place if she wanted it.
Because - the more she thought about it, the more she did want that place, the more she wanted to belong and be of use, and ... to stay where Cassian was.
She hadn't had any personal belongings in Wobani, so she had literally come to Yavin with only the clothes on her back and the truncheons that had been confiscated back during her liberation. Everything else that she was currently calling her own had come from other sources - the blaster, from Cassian, a few changes of secondhand clothing and other necessary items given when she had arrived.
It wasn't much, but it was hers - until they would belong to someone else.
But Jyn didn't want to think about the possibility. One step forward, one day at a time, nothing more, nothing less.
And today, the only pressing item she had to see to was visiting Cassian in his new quarters. She didn't know when he would be released from medical, so she tried not to arrive too early, nor too later. She didn't even know if he was there - hadn't checked otherwise - but eventually, she found herself at his door, pressing the buzzer to alert him of her presence.]
[How could she resist doing anything but returning his smile? Jyn nodded her thanks and took a deep breath before stepping forward from the hallway into Cassian's quarters - where they would truly be alone.]
Terrible, [he admitted, though still smiling; hitting the panel again for the door to close.] Better now you're here. […pfassk, was that a ridiculous thing to say… like a line, even though he meant it…?
He pulled the chair out from the data console and put it across from the bed, so one could sit on each—though the quarters were small enough, their knees would be practically alternating. He wouldn't mind them sitting side-by-side on the bed… except he worried about crossing lines…]
[Perhaps that was to be expected, after the surgeries and bacta dips. But what was unexpected was how readily Cassian shared the information - although, really, what had Jyn expected to hear? That he was fine? She knew very well how not fine he was, having spent as many free moments as she could sitting by his side while he recovered.
...
There was still so much recovery to be had.
Her cheeks flushed a faint pink and she ducked her head a little as she waited to be shown where she could sit - not that the room offered many choices.]
Sit down then - [She replied, gesturing to the bed. She'd take the chair, since she was accustomed to doing the same thing while in Medical. She would have suggested both sitting on the bed, but ... well, that was probably presumptuous on her part.]
As good as can be expected when one is sharing space with a group of other people.
…If you ever need some privacy, a space to yourself, I know it's small but you're welcome to come here. I can give you the passcode. —Once I'm on my feet, I never end up spending much time in my quarters. Only risk is that Kay will be here sometimes. [He gestured toward the niche.] But he prefers being out, generally, too.
I - well. I think I'd like that. Large groups of people are not exactly conducive to a restful environment. [Not that Jyn really knew how to rest properly.] I think I'd like a place where I can catch a breath.
[It would be like sharing a space ... except ... not.]
[The safest thing Jyn could find to say was - ] Thank you.
[That Cassian trusted her in his personal space and around his personal belongings meant a lot. That he was willing to share this space just because she felt uncomfortable and anxious in her own meant even more.]
I, uh - I'll probably take you up on the offer. Whether you're here or not, it's nice to know that I'll have somewhere to come if everything else feels ...
[Too much. Jyn accepted the datapad and quickly memorized the code. She'd copy it later, but for the moment, it was safe in her mind.]
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I don't know what I want to do. The Pathfinders have been sniffing around, but I - I ... I don't think I can.
I've been trying to find a place, but ... nothing seems to fit or feel right.
[Slowly, now. Haltingly - ]
You said that you might want to do surveying. So forgive me if I don't understand.
But ...
What does that have to do with me?
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It struck me as something you could do, too. We could do together.
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I ... suppose I could do it.
[Breathe.]
... Do you want to do it together?
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Or… it could be something else. But…
I want to keep working with you. Stay a team.
[Breathe]
If that's okay with you.
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Yeah.
[Damn it, she was getting choked up. Not the time. Not helpful.]
I do.
I suppose we have some time to figure things out. Or we could ... give it a try, see if it sticks.
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There're still unknowns, shouldn't-dare-expects and in-spite-of-himself-hopes. But everything else is negotiable, as long as he can stay at her side.
He even kinda thought she sounded a little emotional. But he wouldn't bet on it; not when his objectivity was so far lost when it came to anything Jyn Erso.
A rare moment of not thinking too hard about what he said next:]
Ugh… I wish it was tomorrow.
…We could keep talking somewhere more private.
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Weren't as unreciprocated as she had been fearing.
But she was looking too far ahead, hoping for something that there was barely even a sliver to hope for.]
I don't think anybody's really listening, Cassian. [She replied, pausing momentarily.] Planning on sharing something classified with me?
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No, I guess not.
Unless there's anything you want to know. I got to read your file, after all; only fair for you to get some things on me.
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I do want to know.
But ... I want you to tell me things because you want me to know, not because you feel like you owe me anything.
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He found he wanted her to know so much… so many of the small memories he'd shared with Kay or no one else at all…
But there was also so much he wished had never happened, so she didn't have to know, but not because he was holding back. Things he probably should tell up front, so she could decide immediately, before anything went any further (if it would), whether she actually wanted anything more/at all to do with him.]
…I guess… there are things… I… might talk about tomorrow. [However little anyone might be listening here, he wasn't going to… confess, he guessed, in medical.] Make sure… you know about me before… to make sure you do want to be in the same team. Or so you don't find out some other way, some other time.
At the same time, I don't know that it's right to put stuff like that on you.
I'm not sure. …I've never had a partner but Kaytoo.
[Was "partner" going too far…?]
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It couldn't be healthy to hold everything inside - emotionally or physically - and yet, she had never had anyone close enough to confide in. Cassian had told her 'welcome home', and Jyn had felt, maybe for the first time in her life, that she could find one here, that she could find a confidant in him, a friend ... maybe more. If he wanted more, Force, she hoped that he wanted more, or would grow to.
He had read her dossier, he was right about that, but a dossier couldn't tell him everything. And it was all the little details that she wanted him to know, the things she had seen and done and cried about. The good, the bad, everything in between, if he wanted to know.
And then, he could make the decision if she was still worthy of his time and consideration. It seemed to her that they were on the same wavelength when it came to that. Maybe that was a good sign.]
Alright - [she agreed, her lips lifting into just the hint of what she hoped was a reassuring smile] - Tomorrow, then.
[They would talk - really talk - and decide where to go from there.]
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I think it's going to help me get through the night—looking forward to that.
[Oh, skies. Good thing Kay wasn't there with them just now. He might have something to say about Cassian's unusual… expressiveness, maybe.]
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Yeah - [She breathed, nodding gently] me, too.
[The thought of being completely open was terrifying, but maybe ... in the wake of everything they had been through, with the tentative promise of what was yet to come, it was necessary to lay everything out, to find out where they stood and what they wanted, if there was a future in which they could be ...
Partners.]
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A brief survey of the room yielded nothing unexpected. He'd been issued regulation clothes, including cold-weather gear; datapad, data terminal, comm, a new transponder—with, yes, not just his insignia and homing capability but a hidden lullaby pill; utility belt, cot with bedding. He'd have to visit munitions to get a replacement blaster and holster. (Or, rather, he was allowed two.) That was it. Replacements of gear were from coming back in his shirtsleeves from Scarif. There was nothing personal. Of course, he'd had nothing personal to replace. The closest thing, which made him slightly smile, was that they'd bothered to find another Corellian-cut field jacket for him. Thank you, Draven.
There was (thank you, Force) a droid niche, currently empty. Kay was still undergoing repairs, too.
Cassian was appalled to find himself dizzy and breathless. The cold air might be partially to blame. But mostly, it confirmed what Medical had insisted: that he only be allowed to his own quarters if he didn't push himself. He sat on the edge of the cot, then indeed lay back, and may have dozed off for a bit—easier than he did as a rule. Until the doorchime went.]
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Truthfully, she was surprised that she hadn't been court-martialed. She was surprised that she hadn't been thrown in what passed as a brig on Echo Base. But she was grateful that she had been given a place if she wanted it.
Because - the more she thought about it, the more she did want that place, the more she wanted to belong and be of use, and ... to stay where Cassian was.
She hadn't had any personal belongings in Wobani, so she had literally come to Yavin with only the clothes on her back and the truncheons that had been confiscated back during her liberation. Everything else that she was currently calling her own had come from other sources - the blaster, from Cassian, a few changes of secondhand clothing and other necessary items given when she had arrived.
It wasn't much, but it was hers - until they would belong to someone else.
But Jyn didn't want to think about the possibility. One step forward, one day at a time, nothing more, nothing less.
And today, the only pressing item she had to see to was visiting Cassian in his new quarters. She didn't know when he would be released from medical, so she tried not to arrive too early, nor too later. She didn't even know if he was there - hadn't checked otherwise - but eventually, she found herself at his door, pressing the buzzer to alert him of her presence.]
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Seeing it was Jyn on the other side… his face broke into a positively bright smile.]
Hey. Come in.
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How are you feeling?
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He pulled the chair out from the data console and put it across from the bed, so one could sit on each—though the quarters were small enough, their knees would be practically alternating. He wouldn't mind them sitting side-by-side on the bed… except he worried about crossing lines…]
I haven't even asked how your quarters are.
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...
There was still so much recovery to be had.
Her cheeks flushed a faint pink and she ducked her head a little as she waited to be shown where she could sit - not that the room offered many choices.]
Sit down then - [She replied, gesturing to the bed. She'd take the chair, since she was accustomed to doing the same thing while in Medical. She would have suggested both sitting on the bed, but ... well, that was probably presumptuous on her part.]
As good as can be expected when one is sharing space with a group of other people.
[Not ideal, but she was managing.]
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I remember.
…If you ever need some privacy, a space to yourself, I know it's small but you're welcome to come here. I can give you the passcode. —Once I'm on my feet, I never end up spending much time in my quarters. Only risk is that Kay will be here sometimes. [He gestured toward the niche.] But he prefers being out, generally, too.
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[It would be like sharing a space ... except ... not.]
I wouldn't want to ... overstay my welcome.
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You're welcome when I am here, too. I just meant, I don't have to be for you to… [feel at home? get ahold of yourself] …be.
[Clearing his throat, he looked aside, saw his datapad, grabbed it and entered the passcode, to hand to her to memorize or copy as she liked.]
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[That Cassian trusted her in his personal space and around his personal belongings meant a lot. That he was willing to share this space just because she felt uncomfortable and anxious in her own meant even more.]
I, uh - I'll probably take you up on the offer. Whether you're here or not, it's nice to know that I'll have somewhere to come if everything else feels ...
[Too much. Jyn accepted the datapad and quickly memorized the code. She'd copy it later, but for the moment, it was safe in her mind.]
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cw: past dubcon, headcanon up the whazzoo, and some stuff based on the novelization
first of all how dare you. i was heartbroken at work ALL DAY.
/HUGS!/ SORRY!!
oh, don't be, i loved it <3
<3333!
allllllll headcanon since my sw knowledge is uhhhhh 0%
(a) That was absolutely lovely, (b) Oh bb, I totally tag with wookieepedia open to help me ^_^
thank you! and thank goodness for wookiepedia, too
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