He found he wanted her to know so much… so many of the small memories he'd shared with Kay or no one else at all…
But there was also so much he wished had never happened, so she didn't have to know, but not because he was holding back. Things he probably should tell up front, so she could decide immediately, before anything went any further (if it would), whether she actually wanted anything more/at all to do with him.]
…I guess… there are things… I… might talk about tomorrow. [However little anyone might be listening here, he wasn't going to… confess, he guessed, in medical.] Make sure… you know about me before… to make sure you do want to be in the same team. Or so you don't find out some other way, some other time.
At the same time, I don't know that it's right to put stuff like that on you.
I'm not sure. …I've never had a partner but Kaytoo.
[There was so much that Jyn wanted to know ... and so much that she wanted to share, too.
It couldn't be healthy to hold everything inside - emotionally or physically - and yet, she had never had anyone close enough to confide in. Cassian had told her 'welcome home', and Jyn had felt, maybe for the first time in her life, that she could find one here, that she could find a confidant in him, a friend ... maybe more. If he wanted more, Force, she hoped that he wanted more, or would grow to.
He had read her dossier, he was right about that, but a dossier couldn't tell him everything. And it was all the little details that she wanted him to know, the things she had seen and done and cried about. The good, the bad, everything in between, if he wanted to know.
And then, he could make the decision if she was still worthy of his time and consideration. It seemed to her that they were on the same wavelength when it came to that. Maybe that was a good sign.]
Alright - [she agreed, her lips lifting into just the hint of what she hoped was a reassuring smile] - Tomorrow, then.
[They would talk - really talk - and decide where to go from there.]
[He smiled again, smaller than a previous but still more effortless, even spontaneous, than most in his life. Risking it, he shifted his hand to, just a moment—lightly so she could get away instantly if she wanted—fold over hers.]
I think it's going to help me get through the night—looking forward to that.
[Oh, skies. Good thing Kay wasn't there with them just now. He might have something to say about Cassian's unusual… expressiveness, maybe.]
[Jyn thought ... she could get used to bearing witness to Cassian's smile. She watched with an almost-breathless interest as he turned his hand over, and, after a moment, placed it over hers. For another moment, she was quiet as she took in (and tried to memorize) the warmth of his rough, calloused skin) this new contact.]
Yeah - [She breathed, nodding gently] me, too.
[The thought of being completely open was terrifying, but maybe ... in the wake of everything they had been through, with the tentative promise of what was yet to come, it was necessary to lay everything out, to find out where they stood and what they wanted, if there was a future in which they could be ...
[He'd been given private quarters—which was proof that he had not, indeed, been demoted. (Considering he'd half-expected to be courtmartialed…? …though really he hadn't expected to survive for any of it.) It was stepping into these that finally caught his senses up to the intellectual knowledge: they weren't on Yavin 4 anymore. The Massassi temple room had been simultaneously more angular and less symmetrical. They'd built Echo Base themselves, cannibalized from starships.
A brief survey of the room yielded nothing unexpected. He'd been issued regulation clothes, including cold-weather gear; datapad, data terminal, comm, a new transponder—with, yes, not just his insignia and homing capability but a hidden lullaby pill; utility belt, cot with bedding. He'd have to visit munitions to get a replacement blaster and holster. (Or, rather, he was allowed two.) That was it. Replacements of gear were from coming back in his shirtsleeves from Scarif. There was nothing personal. Of course, he'd had nothing personal to replace. The closest thing, which made him slightly smile, was that they'd bothered to find another Corellian-cut field jacket for him. Thank you, Draven.
There was (thank you, Force) a droid niche, currently empty. Kay was still undergoing repairs, too.
Cassian was appalled to find himself dizzy and breathless. The cold air might be partially to blame. But mostly, it confirmed what Medical had insisted: that he only be allowed to his own quarters if he didn't push himself. He sat on the edge of the cot, then indeed lay back, and may have dozed off for a bit—easier than he did as a rule. Until the doorchime went.]
[Jyn had been placed in shared barracks. But then, it made sense, because she had no real rank, and as far as the higher ups knew, it was very possible that she could up and leave at any moment, even though she had stuck around thus far.
Truthfully, she was surprised that she hadn't been court-martialed. She was surprised that she hadn't been thrown in what passed as a brig on Echo Base. But she was grateful that she had been given a place if she wanted it.
Because - the more she thought about it, the more she did want that place, the more she wanted to belong and be of use, and ... to stay where Cassian was.
She hadn't had any personal belongings in Wobani, so she had literally come to Yavin with only the clothes on her back and the truncheons that had been confiscated back during her liberation. Everything else that she was currently calling her own had come from other sources - the blaster, from Cassian, a few changes of secondhand clothing and other necessary items given when she had arrived.
It wasn't much, but it was hers - until they would belong to someone else.
But Jyn didn't want to think about the possibility. One step forward, one day at a time, nothing more, nothing less.
And today, the only pressing item she had to see to was visiting Cassian in his new quarters. She didn't know when he would be released from medical, so she tried not to arrive too early, nor too later. She didn't even know if he was there - hadn't checked otherwise - but eventually, she found herself at his door, pressing the buzzer to alert him of her presence.]
[How could she resist doing anything but returning his smile? Jyn nodded her thanks and took a deep breath before stepping forward from the hallway into Cassian's quarters - where they would truly be alone.]
Terrible, [he admitted, though still smiling; hitting the panel again for the door to close.] Better now you're here. […pfassk, was that a ridiculous thing to say… like a line, even though he meant it…?
He pulled the chair out from the data console and put it across from the bed, so one could sit on each—though the quarters were small enough, their knees would be practically alternating. He wouldn't mind them sitting side-by-side on the bed… except he worried about crossing lines…]
[Perhaps that was to be expected, after the surgeries and bacta dips. But what was unexpected was how readily Cassian shared the information - although, really, what had Jyn expected to hear? That he was fine? She knew very well how not fine he was, having spent as many free moments as she could sitting by his side while he recovered.
...
There was still so much recovery to be had.
Her cheeks flushed a faint pink and she ducked her head a little as she waited to be shown where she could sit - not that the room offered many choices.]
Sit down then - [She replied, gesturing to the bed. She'd take the chair, since she was accustomed to doing the same thing while in Medical. She would have suggested both sitting on the bed, but ... well, that was probably presumptuous on her part.]
As good as can be expected when one is sharing space with a group of other people.
…If you ever need some privacy, a space to yourself, I know it's small but you're welcome to come here. I can give you the passcode. —Once I'm on my feet, I never end up spending much time in my quarters. Only risk is that Kay will be here sometimes. [He gestured toward the niche.] But he prefers being out, generally, too.
I - well. I think I'd like that. Large groups of people are not exactly conducive to a restful environment. [Not that Jyn really knew how to rest properly.] I think I'd like a place where I can catch a breath.
[It would be like sharing a space ... except ... not.]
[The safest thing Jyn could find to say was - ] Thank you.
[That Cassian trusted her in his personal space and around his personal belongings meant a lot. That he was willing to share this space just because she felt uncomfortable and anxious in her own meant even more.]
I, uh - I'll probably take you up on the offer. Whether you're here or not, it's nice to know that I'll have somewhere to come if everything else feels ...
[Too much. Jyn accepted the datapad and quickly memorized the code. She'd copy it later, but for the moment, it was safe in her mind.]
The rise of emotion just then was… But Cassian emphatically did not want to conflate those issues now; make it seem like there was any condition or ulterior motive to the invitation.
But at what point did not wanting to impose become lying…?
Skies, he wanted to hold her. Invite her onto the bed with him and just… rest. Together.
He looked aside and pressed his hand to his eyes.]
Sorry. I'm still a bit out of it. I'm looking forward to being off the meds. I keep thinking about… Ugh.
[Jyn quietly cleared her throat as she shifted a bit, trying to find a way to get a little more comfortable where she sat. She wished she had the courage to ask if she could sit next to Cassian on the bed -
To sit close and rest together.
And if she was incredibly fortunate, to hold him and be held by him and share a little comfort with each other.
She looked on, concerned, finally leaning forward enough to be able to set a reassuring hand against his knee.]
Give it time, Cassian, you'll get better soon enough. [A pause. A breath.] What do you keep thinking about?
…beyond wanting her company every moment he could.
He was going to make sure, tonight, that it was fair. That she was choosing to be with him, in whatever capacity, fully informed of who he was.
So he answered, as calmly as he could:] Scarif.
[But then shook his head, to shake it off, and looked down at her hand. Tentatively, again so lightly she could get away without trouble, he put his over hers.]
I… um… was going to tell you some things. Make sure… you really want to keep… working with me. Now that it's your choice.
[Jyn remembered the context of their conversation the previous day as well. And while she wasn't here strictly for that, the implication behind the words had not been lost on her.
So, yes, while she was here because she wanted to be here and spending time with Cassian, she also knew that whatever was going to be said was clearly important to him, so she had already resolved to give him the attention and respect that he deserved.
Because she cared about him - almost unfathomably so.
Jyn kept very still as Cassian placed his hand atop hers, making no move at all to pull away, her eyes squarely on his face, trying to read his expression and gauge what it was he might be feeling.]
If you feel that it's necessary for you to do that, Cassian, I'll listen.
Wait. Think.What was he doing, exactly…? Seeking her forgiveness? For the things he'd done, it wasn't hers to give, and unfair to put on her. Seeking her comfort? Again, that was for his sake, not hers, not theirs. This shouldn't be about putting his burdens onto her. What exactly did he want to tell her, and, more importantly, why? Somehow, he hadn't already planned it out, assessed and chosen.
So do it now. Quickly. The things that flashed into his mind, he seized and rifled through like a deck of cards.
Tivik. She wouldn't be surprised, knowing his work; and would probably understand, knowing war. Galen. They'd already had that confrontation, did he really need to bring that all up for her again, uninvited, now? If she ever wanted more, he would give it at once, but that should be up to her, not him. The CIS. He'd been far from the only dupe, there. There were thousands upon thousands of them. He'd been a child soldier. So had she. They'd been on opposite sides of that war, but had they really chosen them, or been chosen by them? …Well, that one was worth mentioning, because he didn't need anything from her, over it. He just wanted her to know. Knowing from her record, as he did, where she'd been born, and that she and him would have been enemies.]
I was a Separatist, from when I was six—when my father was killed—until I was fifteen—when Draven recruited me. If I'd known then what I know now, I probably would have defected. But I didn't, so I was.
[Xilo. Okay, why on Hoth…?]
My first girlfriend was in Alliance Intelligence. She betrayed us. She died. She'd been pregnant. I fought Draven until he approved a sterilization surgery for me so that could never happen again. Especially because I became a spy and started having to sleep with people for the work. She was the only person I've ever slept with because I chose to. Every other time, it's been for a mission.
[So much for measured assessment.
Well, that's as grotesque [to himself] as it got. You're committed now.]
I reprogrammed Kaytoo because Draven saw my last few near-fatalities in the field as suicidal and suspended me until I took a partner. I didn't want another organic because we're too unpredictable. I never tried to fix the side effect of the reprogram because I like that he's unfiltered and direct. Contrasts with all the lies in the rest of what I do. But I'd never paid attention to Droids Rights before; I hadn't thought through what I was doing. If I had the right. To do that to him. Since I didn't give him the choice to be loyal to me, I've just tried to be worthy of it.
I spent a year undercover as an aide to an Imperial grand admiral. I lived on Coruscant with him and his family. His wife blackmailed me into being her lover. I loved their kids so much. I left without saying goodbye or ever trying to tell them anything but what they were learning. I still think I should have tried even if it got me killed.
I didn't remember anything about my mother until I was twenty-four. I still don't really remember, I just found out. She and her colony had been firebombed by the Republic. My father pulled me out and took me with him to Carida Academy. He was training to be a Republic [proto-Imperial] officer.
[Pfassking, fedding…
Dams don't burst selectively. For years, if Cassian shared anything with anyone, it took deliberation. Secrecy and suppression had become so second-nature. But now, with Jyn, he couldn't withhold this after all.]
When I disobeyed my order to assassinate your father. I wish I'd made that choice because I saw you were right. Saw what was happening on that platform and realized Draven's theories didn't account for it, but yours did. Which is true. But isn't why. I disobeyed because you and he had the same eyes. I looked at him and only saw you.
[…Okay.
That was it. None of the assassinations—let's be real: murders—or other lies… but really, she knew that already. He'd told her when he'd been her enemy, how often he'd skated those margins, and why… she probably wouldn't want to be… around him.
His hands were closed around the blanket, either side of his knees. He released it, but didn't look up.]
[Jyn promised to listen, and listen she would, no matter how long it took Cassian to find the words that he wanted her to hear. She almost wanted to insist that he didn't need to tell her anything, but it was clearly important to him, so who was she to deny him the opportunity to lighten some of what was weighing him down.
Still, she thought - don't I know you? Didn't we look at each other and see parts of ourselves reflected back? Isn't that why it hurt so much just to be in each other's presence, or was that just me? Don't I know you? Don't you know me? Don't we ...
I want to know you.
She knew exactly what it was to be a child fighting an adult's war, and while they might have found themselves on opposite sides, it hadn't been of their own accord. They hadn't been enemies, they had been victims.
And then Cassian continued, and her heart ached for him, what he had lost and what he had had to give up and what he would never have. She mourned for all the things he had had to do in the name of the cause - a particular pain that she knew very well herself.
Jyn didn't take her eyes away from Cassian, even as she inhaled sharply, desperately wondering why he felt it necessary to tell her something so incredibly personal - so incredibly traumatic.
The guilt washed off of him like waves, and soon, the air felt thick with it. But she wasn't so surprised to hear that some of it centered on Kay, and how the droid hadn't really been given the choice to work with Cassian - nor to be loyal to him, how Cassian wanted to be worthy of it. Most others wouldn't even give it a second thought, to be honest, Jyn included
But the statement that struck her the most - aside from perceived suicidal ideations - was the fact that Cassian hadn't wanted an organic partner. But last night, he'd intimated that he wanted to work with her, so why ...
She could only imagine how heartbreaking it was to leave those children behind. They were Imperial, yes, but they hadn't asked to be born into the lives they had. She hoped that somehow, those lucky children knew how much they had been loved, and took something from their time with Cassian, at least learned how to ask questions and make their own decisions and hopefully, eventually, would come to do the right thing.
And his own family ... not only the losses, but not knowing for so long what had even happened ... it reminded her so much of the way she'd been torn from her own parents, the long years of never knowing what had happened to her father short of rumor and speculation.
It was only when he mentioned her father that Jyn ducked her head and tried to hold on to what was left of her composure. Hot tears prickled the inside of her eyelids, and she silently told herself do not cry, do not cry, do not cry. Her chest heaved and her shoulders shook and she wanted to ask why didn't you shoot, why did you spare him only for me to lose him nonetheless and what's so special about my kriffing eyes ...
But when she finally glanced up again - met his eyes again - it was with nothing but a deep sadness in her own, maybe not a complete understanding but enough of one to be able to empathize with him, to share in some of the hurt and pain he'd clearly been holding into for so long.]
We've all done things we regret ... [she answered, her voice raw, her tone slow and measured] and you're not alone in the pain and guilt you feel. For the cause, we tell ourselves as we try to move on and sometimes ... those ghosts continue to haunt.
Do you really think I'd hate you after hearing these things? Do you really think that I'm innocent?
And why - why do you think I even deserve to know?
He hadn't wanted an organic partner… but he'd been wrong to think his relationship with Kay would be any less deep, any less complex. And hurt any less to lose. He knew better now. Anyway, he wasn't choosing a partner in Jyn. He was holding onto the bond already there. home. family.
He heard her breathing before he looked up; it made him look up. Her heaving breaths, the shaking shoulders, the shine of tears… without thinking, he slipped off the bed and went on his knees before her. Stopping shy of trying to take her hands; looking up into her face.]
No… I… think I knew you'd understand. I know you understand war. And so much we have in common. I wanted… however we go from here… to be your choice. You've not had a choice so many times. And… I've… manipulated people, lied to them, so many times.
['Course, he hadn't been able to manipulate Jyn even when he'd wanted to—We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!
Was that the first moment he'd felt… for her…?]
If you deserve…? I'm being a selfish bastard.
I trust you. I don't trust me. If I felt I was making you make decisions without enough information, because I hadn't given it to you…? …I don't know if this makes any sense. I just…
…I guess it wasn't about you. I'm sorry. It was about me. Assumed or implied consent isn't enough. For me. With you.
[Jyn shook her head weakly as Cassian took the floor in front of her, but there was probably no convincing him not to. She flexed her fingers painfully as she worked to regain her composure, a large part of her wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch - not only to reassure herself, but to do the same for him as well.
However difficult, she refrained. And as he explained further, or tried to, she managed to mostly quell the hard, fast beating of her heart, and to battle to keep those tears from falling. It would do her no good to get that emotional when none of this was supposed to have been about her.
But then he asserted that he wanted her to have a choice, and when's the last time he had been granted that? Maybe she had never been given an opportunity to make a real choice rather than only ever doing what it took in order to survive.]
I may not know everything you've done, but I know who you are, Cassian. You came back for me over and over again, when you could have easily just given up on me. You believed me when you didn't have to. You almost died for me.
[She turned her hand over, palm up, inviting Cassian to take it or touch it if he felt like doing so.]
I trust you. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't. I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't think that there was a place here for me, or ... a reason to stay. Nobody is forcing me anymore, least of all you.
[She sighed shakily, but didn't drop her eyes away from his.]
I can't give you absolution, but I can give you understanding. I've - I've done things that I'm not proud of, I've done things that still eat me up inside - things no dossier can tell you. And I feel ... if it was important for you to tell me these things about you ... then I should probably do the same.
Because - you deserve the opportunity to figure out if I'm worth being with as well.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 04:44 am (UTC)I do want to know.
But ... I want you to tell me things because you want me to know, not because you feel like you owe me anything.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 05:56 am (UTC)He found he wanted her to know so much… so many of the small memories he'd shared with Kay or no one else at all…
But there was also so much he wished had never happened, so she didn't have to know, but not because he was holding back. Things he probably should tell up front, so she could decide immediately, before anything went any further (if it would), whether she actually wanted anything more/at all to do with him.]
…I guess… there are things… I… might talk about tomorrow. [However little anyone might be listening here, he wasn't going to… confess, he guessed, in medical.] Make sure… you know about me before… to make sure you do want to be in the same team. Or so you don't find out some other way, some other time.
At the same time, I don't know that it's right to put stuff like that on you.
I'm not sure. …I've never had a partner but Kaytoo.
[Was "partner" going too far…?]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 05:42 pm (UTC)It couldn't be healthy to hold everything inside - emotionally or physically - and yet, she had never had anyone close enough to confide in. Cassian had told her 'welcome home', and Jyn had felt, maybe for the first time in her life, that she could find one here, that she could find a confidant in him, a friend ... maybe more. If he wanted more, Force, she hoped that he wanted more, or would grow to.
He had read her dossier, he was right about that, but a dossier couldn't tell him everything. And it was all the little details that she wanted him to know, the things she had seen and done and cried about. The good, the bad, everything in between, if he wanted to know.
And then, he could make the decision if she was still worthy of his time and consideration. It seemed to her that they were on the same wavelength when it came to that. Maybe that was a good sign.]
Alright - [she agreed, her lips lifting into just the hint of what she hoped was a reassuring smile] - Tomorrow, then.
[They would talk - really talk - and decide where to go from there.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-26 08:21 am (UTC)I think it's going to help me get through the night—looking forward to that.
[Oh, skies. Good thing Kay wasn't there with them just now. He might have something to say about Cassian's unusual… expressiveness, maybe.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-26 05:24 pm (UTC)Yeah - [She breathed, nodding gently] me, too.
[The thought of being completely open was terrifying, but maybe ... in the wake of everything they had been through, with the tentative promise of what was yet to come, it was necessary to lay everything out, to find out where they stood and what they wanted, if there was a future in which they could be ...
Partners.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 03:00 am (UTC)A brief survey of the room yielded nothing unexpected. He'd been issued regulation clothes, including cold-weather gear; datapad, data terminal, comm, a new transponder—with, yes, not just his insignia and homing capability but a hidden lullaby pill; utility belt, cot with bedding. He'd have to visit munitions to get a replacement blaster and holster. (Or, rather, he was allowed two.) That was it. Replacements of gear were from coming back in his shirtsleeves from Scarif. There was nothing personal. Of course, he'd had nothing personal to replace. The closest thing, which made him slightly smile, was that they'd bothered to find another Corellian-cut field jacket for him. Thank you, Draven.
There was (thank you, Force) a droid niche, currently empty. Kay was still undergoing repairs, too.
Cassian was appalled to find himself dizzy and breathless. The cold air might be partially to blame. But mostly, it confirmed what Medical had insisted: that he only be allowed to his own quarters if he didn't push himself. He sat on the edge of the cot, then indeed lay back, and may have dozed off for a bit—easier than he did as a rule. Until the doorchime went.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 05:17 am (UTC)Truthfully, she was surprised that she hadn't been court-martialed. She was surprised that she hadn't been thrown in what passed as a brig on Echo Base. But she was grateful that she had been given a place if she wanted it.
Because - the more she thought about it, the more she did want that place, the more she wanted to belong and be of use, and ... to stay where Cassian was.
She hadn't had any personal belongings in Wobani, so she had literally come to Yavin with only the clothes on her back and the truncheons that had been confiscated back during her liberation. Everything else that she was currently calling her own had come from other sources - the blaster, from Cassian, a few changes of secondhand clothing and other necessary items given when she had arrived.
It wasn't much, but it was hers - until they would belong to someone else.
But Jyn didn't want to think about the possibility. One step forward, one day at a time, nothing more, nothing less.
And today, the only pressing item she had to see to was visiting Cassian in his new quarters. She didn't know when he would be released from medical, so she tried not to arrive too early, nor too later. She didn't even know if he was there - hadn't checked otherwise - but eventually, she found herself at his door, pressing the buzzer to alert him of her presence.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 05:23 am (UTC)Seeing it was Jyn on the other side… his face broke into a positively bright smile.]
Hey. Come in.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 05:28 am (UTC)How are you feeling?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 05:45 am (UTC)He pulled the chair out from the data console and put it across from the bed, so one could sit on each—though the quarters were small enough, their knees would be practically alternating. He wouldn't mind them sitting side-by-side on the bed… except he worried about crossing lines…]
I haven't even asked how your quarters are.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 05:58 am (UTC)...
There was still so much recovery to be had.
Her cheeks flushed a faint pink and she ducked her head a little as she waited to be shown where she could sit - not that the room offered many choices.]
Sit down then - [She replied, gesturing to the bed. She'd take the chair, since she was accustomed to doing the same thing while in Medical. She would have suggested both sitting on the bed, but ... well, that was probably presumptuous on her part.]
As good as can be expected when one is sharing space with a group of other people.
[Not ideal, but she was managing.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 06:26 am (UTC)I remember.
…If you ever need some privacy, a space to yourself, I know it's small but you're welcome to come here. I can give you the passcode. —Once I'm on my feet, I never end up spending much time in my quarters. Only risk is that Kay will be here sometimes. [He gestured toward the niche.] But he prefers being out, generally, too.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 06:33 am (UTC)[It would be like sharing a space ... except ... not.]
I wouldn't want to ... overstay my welcome.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 06:38 am (UTC)You're welcome when I am here, too. I just meant, I don't have to be for you to… [feel at home? get ahold of yourself] …be.
[Clearing his throat, he looked aside, saw his datapad, grabbed it and entered the passcode, to hand to her to memorize or copy as she liked.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 06:51 am (UTC)[That Cassian trusted her in his personal space and around his personal belongings meant a lot. That he was willing to share this space just because she felt uncomfortable and anxious in her own meant even more.]
I, uh - I'll probably take you up on the offer. Whether you're here or not, it's nice to know that I'll have somewhere to come if everything else feels ...
[Too much. Jyn accepted the datapad and quickly memorized the code. She'd copy it later, but for the moment, it was safe in her mind.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 07:05 am (UTC)Stay now. Tonight.
The rise of emotion just then was… But Cassian emphatically did not want to conflate those issues now; make it seem like there was any condition or ulterior motive to the invitation.
But at what point did not wanting to impose become lying…?
Skies, he wanted to hold her. Invite her onto the bed with him and just… rest. Together.
He looked aside and pressed his hand to his eyes.]
Sorry. I'm still a bit out of it. I'm looking forward to being off the meds. I keep thinking about… Ugh.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 07:23 am (UTC)To sit close and rest together.
And if she was incredibly fortunate, to hold him and be held by him and share a little comfort with each other.
She looked on, concerned, finally leaning forward enough to be able to set a reassuring hand against his knee.]
Give it time, Cassian, you'll get better soon enough. [A pause. A breath.] What do you keep thinking about?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 07:30 am (UTC)…beyond wanting her company every moment he could.
He was going to make sure, tonight, that it was fair. That she was choosing to be with him, in whatever capacity, fully informed of who he was.
So he answered, as calmly as he could:] Scarif.
[But then shook his head, to shake it off, and looked down at her hand. Tentatively, again so lightly she could get away without trouble, he put his over hers.]
I… um… was going to tell you some things. Make sure… you really want to keep… working with me. Now that it's your choice.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 02:59 pm (UTC)So, yes, while she was here because she wanted to be here and spending time with Cassian, she also knew that whatever was going to be said was clearly important to him, so she had already resolved to give him the attention and respect that he deserved.
Because she cared about him - almost unfathomably so.
Jyn kept very still as Cassian placed his hand atop hers, making no move at all to pull away, her eyes squarely on his face, trying to read his expression and gauge what it was he might be feeling.]
If you feel that it's necessary for you to do that, Cassian, I'll listen.
cw: past dubcon, headcanon up the whazzoo, and some stuff based on the novelization
Date: 2019-06-27 04:47 pm (UTC)Closed it again.
Wait. Think. What was he doing, exactly…? Seeking her forgiveness? For the things he'd done, it wasn't hers to give, and unfair to put on her. Seeking her comfort? Again, that was for his sake, not hers, not theirs. This shouldn't be about putting his burdens onto her. What exactly did he want to tell her, and, more importantly, why? Somehow, he hadn't already planned it out, assessed and chosen.
So do it now. Quickly. The things that flashed into his mind, he seized and rifled through like a deck of cards.
Tivik. She wouldn't be surprised, knowing his work; and would probably understand, knowing war.
Galen. They'd already had that confrontation, did he really need to bring that all up for her again, uninvited, now? If she ever wanted more, he would give it at once, but that should be up to her, not him.
The CIS. He'd been far from the only dupe, there. There were thousands upon thousands of them. He'd been a child soldier. So had she. They'd been on opposite sides of that war, but had they really chosen them, or been chosen by them? …Well, that one was worth mentioning, because he didn't need anything from her, over it. He just wanted her to know. Knowing from her record, as he did, where she'd been born, and that she and him would have been enemies.]
I was a Separatist, from when I was six—when my father was killed—until I was fifteen—when Draven recruited me. If I'd known then what I know now, I probably would have defected. But I didn't, so I was.
[Xilo. Okay, why on Hoth…?]
My first girlfriend was in Alliance Intelligence. She betrayed us. She died. She'd been pregnant. I fought Draven until he approved a sterilization surgery for me so that could never happen again. Especially because I became a spy and started having to sleep with people for the work. She was the only person I've ever slept with because I chose to. Every other time, it's been for a mission.
[So much for measured assessment.
Well, that's as grotesque [to himself] as it got. You're committed now.]
I reprogrammed Kaytoo because Draven saw my last few near-fatalities in the field as suicidal and suspended me until I took a partner. I didn't want another organic because we're too unpredictable. I never tried to fix the side effect of the reprogram because I like that he's unfiltered and direct. Contrasts with all the lies in the rest of what I do. But I'd never paid attention to Droids Rights before; I hadn't thought through what I was doing. If I had the right. To do that to him. Since I didn't give him the choice to be loyal to me, I've just tried to be worthy of it.
I spent a year undercover as an aide to an Imperial grand admiral. I lived on Coruscant with him and his family. His wife blackmailed me into being her lover. I loved their kids so much. I left without saying goodbye or ever trying to tell them anything but what they were learning. I still think I should have tried even if it got me killed.
I didn't remember anything about my mother until I was twenty-four. I still don't really remember, I just found out. She and her colony had been firebombed by the Republic. My father pulled me out and took me with him to Carida Academy. He was training to be a Republic [proto-Imperial] officer.
[Pfassking, fedding…
Dams don't burst selectively. For years, if Cassian shared anything with anyone, it took deliberation. Secrecy and suppression had become so second-nature. But now, with Jyn, he couldn't withhold this after all.]
When I disobeyed my order to assassinate your father. I wish I'd made that choice because I saw you were right. Saw what was happening on that platform and realized Draven's theories didn't account for it, but yours did. Which is true. But isn't why. I disobeyed because you and he had the same eyes. I looked at him and only saw you.
[…Okay.
That was it. None of the assassinations—let's be real: murders—or other lies… but really, she knew that already. He'd told her when he'd been her enemy, how often he'd skated those margins, and why… she probably wouldn't want to be… around him.
His hands were closed around the blanket, either side of his knees. He released it, but didn't look up.]
I… understand if… we say goodnight now.
first of all how dare you. i was heartbroken at work ALL DAY.
Date: 2019-06-28 03:01 am (UTC)Still, she thought - don't I know you? Didn't we look at each other and see parts of ourselves reflected back? Isn't that why it hurt so much just to be in each other's presence, or was that just me? Don't I know you? Don't you know me? Don't we ...
I want to know you.
She knew exactly what it was to be a child fighting an adult's war, and while they might have found themselves on opposite sides, it hadn't been of their own accord. They hadn't been enemies, they had been victims.
And then Cassian continued, and her heart ached for him, what he had lost and what he had had to give up and what he would never have. She mourned for all the things he had had to do in the name of the cause - a particular pain that she knew very well herself.
Jyn didn't take her eyes away from Cassian, even as she inhaled sharply, desperately wondering why he felt it necessary to tell her something so incredibly personal - so incredibly traumatic.
The guilt washed off of him like waves, and soon, the air felt thick with it. But she wasn't so surprised to hear that some of it centered on Kay, and how the droid hadn't really been given the choice to work with Cassian - nor to be loyal to him, how Cassian wanted to be worthy of it. Most others wouldn't even give it a second thought, to be honest, Jyn included
But the statement that struck her the most - aside from perceived suicidal ideations - was the fact that Cassian hadn't wanted an organic partner. But last night, he'd intimated that he wanted to work with her, so why ...
She could only imagine how heartbreaking it was to leave those children behind. They were Imperial, yes, but they hadn't asked to be born into the lives they had. She hoped that somehow, those lucky children knew how much they had been loved, and took something from their time with Cassian, at least learned how to ask questions and make their own decisions and hopefully, eventually, would come to do the right thing.
And his own family ... not only the losses, but not knowing for so long what had even happened ... it reminded her so much of the way she'd been torn from her own parents, the long years of never knowing what had happened to her father short of rumor and speculation.
It was only when he mentioned her father that Jyn ducked her head and tried to hold on to what was left of her composure. Hot tears prickled the inside of her eyelids, and she silently told herself do not cry, do not cry, do not cry. Her chest heaved and her shoulders shook and she wanted to ask why didn't you shoot, why did you spare him only for me to lose him nonetheless and what's so special about my kriffing eyes ...
But when she finally glanced up again - met his eyes again - it was with nothing but a deep sadness in her own, maybe not a complete understanding but enough of one to be able to empathize with him, to share in some of the hurt and pain he'd clearly been holding into for so long.]
We've all done things we regret ... [she answered, her voice raw, her tone slow and measured] and you're not alone in the pain and guilt you feel. For the cause, we tell ourselves as we try to move on and sometimes ... those ghosts continue to haunt.
Do you really think I'd hate you after hearing these things? Do you really think that I'm innocent?
And why - why do you think I even deserve to know?
/HUGS!/ SORRY!!
Date: 2019-06-28 06:08 am (UTC)He hadn't wanted an organic partner… but he'd been wrong to think his relationship with Kay would be any less deep, any less complex. And hurt any less to lose. He knew better now. Anyway, he wasn't choosing a partner in Jyn. He was holding onto the bond already there. home. family.
He heard her breathing before he looked up; it made him look up. Her heaving breaths, the shaking shoulders, the shine of tears… without thinking, he slipped off the bed and went on his knees before her. Stopping shy of trying to take her hands; looking up into her face.]
No… I… think I knew you'd understand. I know you understand war. And so much we have in common. I wanted… however we go from here… to be your choice. You've not had a choice so many times. And… I've… manipulated people, lied to them, so many times.
['Course, he hadn't been able to manipulate Jyn even when he'd wanted to—We're not here to make friends. Ten minutes later: Anyone who kills me or my friends…!
Was that the first moment he'd felt… for her…?]
If you deserve…? I'm being a selfish bastard.
I trust you. I don't trust me. If I felt I was making you make decisions without enough information, because I hadn't given it to you…? …I don't know if this makes any sense. I just…
…I guess it wasn't about you. I'm sorry. It was about me. Assumed or implied consent isn't enough. For me. With you.
oh, don't be, i loved it <3
Date: 2019-06-28 07:54 am (UTC)However difficult, she refrained. And as he explained further, or tried to, she managed to mostly quell the hard, fast beating of her heart, and to battle to keep those tears from falling. It would do her no good to get that emotional when none of this was supposed to have been about her.
But then he asserted that he wanted her to have a choice, and when's the last time he had been granted that? Maybe she had never been given an opportunity to make a real choice rather than only ever doing what it took in order to survive.]
I may not know everything you've done, but I know who you are, Cassian. You came back for me over and over again, when you could have easily just given up on me. You believed me when you didn't have to. You almost died for me.
[She turned her hand over, palm up, inviting Cassian to take it or touch it if he felt like doing so.]
I trust you. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't. I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't think that there was a place here for me, or ... a reason to stay. Nobody is forcing me anymore, least of all you.
[She sighed shakily, but didn't drop her eyes away from his.]
I can't give you absolution, but I can give you understanding. I've - I've done things that I'm not proud of, I've done things that still eat me up inside - things no dossier can tell you. And I feel ... if it was important for you to tell me these things about you ... then I should probably do the same.
Because - you deserve the opportunity to figure out if I'm worth being with as well.
<3333!
From:allllllll headcanon since my sw knowledge is uhhhhh 0%
From:(a) That was absolutely lovely, (b) Oh bb, I totally tag with wookieepedia open to help me ^_^
From:thank you! and thank goodness for wookiepedia, too
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