[For a moment - a long moment - the only noise coming from Jyn was her erratic breathing.
Cassian was right. Of course he was right, and although her grief was more than warranted, she couldn't allow it to take control of her completely. There was still so much work to be done, and she owed it to everyone who had sacrificed their lives for the cause to do that work and to see it through.]
[He decided that any further touch right now would be too much, unfair to put on her. He just focused on where their skin already met and tried, probably fancifully, to send energy—support—Force—flowing between them, there.
After a moment, quietly confessed:]
I know it isn't fair. About what I want, not what you do. But I'm so glad you're here. Alive.
[It was steadying - what little contact they were currently maintaining. And Jyn did feel grateful for it, that Cassian didn't call it to an end just quite yet.
It felt ... reassuring, knowing that she wasn't alone, that he was still with her (all the way?), that if anybody understood how she felt, good and bad, it was him.]
I'm glad you're alive, too.
[How could he possibly begin to know what she wanted? Jyn didn't even know what she wanted. But she was still here, so maybe ... that could count for something.]
He couldn't… which was how he knew he must only be thinking of what he wanted. Which was…
Nothing he could allow himself to hope for.
He'd never had an intimate relationship that wasn't part of a mission, and therefore involved lies and manipulation. He didn't want those things coming near whatever his connection was or would be with Jyn. So whatever it was, wouldn't come from him.
Still. He didn't realize in time to prevent, his finger moving again, tracing a line on her hand; some kind of glyph of expression. Me too/I'm here/Thank you]
So… what else have I missed, since we've been back and I've been stuck here?
[How selfish it would be to think about what she wanted at a time like this.
Cassian was in the midst of a long, grueling recovery. The losses the Rebellion had sustained was staggering. They had lost friends, old and new.
It made sense to take solace in each other, since they were all that was left. But ... would it be taking advantage to act on something that Jyn felt had been building ever since welcome home? Would it be out of grief and nothing more?
She had never had any real relationships, only tiny trysts that barely even resembled anything truly intimate, but with Cassian -
Oh, she wanted.
Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
At least she had the undeniable pleasure of his finger brushing against her skin, such a small gesture, but more than enough to set the blood in her veins ablaze.]
Not much, I'm afraid. When I haven't been here, I've just ... tried to find a place where I fit. No luck yet.
[He'd spoken with Draven since waking up, so it wasn't just guessing to say—]
It's probably going to be quiet for a while. We need to regroup and so does the Empire. We should get our numbers up. And there are survivors of Jedha and Alderaan— [that had happened while he was in a medical coma] —to rehome. Draven suggested I get back out there for recruiting, or I join a planetary surveying team.
[Recruiting used to be his favorite of the work he did, giving people hope and options; but now… filling vacancies he'd helped to create…]
I have fewer skills for surveying than for recruiting, but I think I'd rather do that.
[Jyn nodded her understanding, unsurprised to hear that Cassian had already considered his options and made plans for when he was finally out of recovery. Still, it stung that he hadn't spoken to her about any of it until now.
But then - why was it necessary for Cassian to tell her anything at all?
She ducked her head and swallowed hard. He was right, of course, there was going to be a need to find a home for the last survivors of Jedha and Alderaan. Maybe he didn't think he had all the necessary skills in order to do the job, but she knew him well enough to know that he was more than capable to undertake it.]
You would be gone more often than not.
[And she would lose the only thing that was keeping her steady in a world that felt like it was anything but. Maybe it was selfish of Jyn to think about being parted that way, when she knew there was still so much work to do and not enough hands to take the work on, but she had thought -
She had hoped ...
That whatever they decided to do, it would be as a team. And now, she wasn't so sure that that was going to be a possibility.]
It's admirable, you know, to want to help like that.
[For a moment, Jyn's brain seemed to short-circuit. Did Cassian really mean what she thought he was insinuating, or did she just want it so desperately that she was reading into everything?]
[A breath he felt like he'd been holding since Scarif releases at last.
There're still unknowns, shouldn't-dare-expects and in-spite-of-himself-hopes. But everything else is negotiable, as long as he can stay at her side.
He even kinda thought she sounded a little emotional. But he wouldn't bet on it; not when his objectivity was so far lost when it came to anything Jyn Erso.
A rare moment of not thinking too hard about what he said next:]
He found he wanted her to know so much… so many of the small memories he'd shared with Kay or no one else at all…
But there was also so much he wished had never happened, so she didn't have to know, but not because he was holding back. Things he probably should tell up front, so she could decide immediately, before anything went any further (if it would), whether she actually wanted anything more/at all to do with him.]
…I guess… there are things… I… might talk about tomorrow. [However little anyone might be listening here, he wasn't going to… confess, he guessed, in medical.] Make sure… you know about me before… to make sure you do want to be in the same team. Or so you don't find out some other way, some other time.
At the same time, I don't know that it's right to put stuff like that on you.
I'm not sure. …I've never had a partner but Kaytoo.
[There was so much that Jyn wanted to know ... and so much that she wanted to share, too.
It couldn't be healthy to hold everything inside - emotionally or physically - and yet, she had never had anyone close enough to confide in. Cassian had told her 'welcome home', and Jyn had felt, maybe for the first time in her life, that she could find one here, that she could find a confidant in him, a friend ... maybe more. If he wanted more, Force, she hoped that he wanted more, or would grow to.
He had read her dossier, he was right about that, but a dossier couldn't tell him everything. And it was all the little details that she wanted him to know, the things she had seen and done and cried about. The good, the bad, everything in between, if he wanted to know.
And then, he could make the decision if she was still worthy of his time and consideration. It seemed to her that they were on the same wavelength when it came to that. Maybe that was a good sign.]
Alright - [she agreed, her lips lifting into just the hint of what she hoped was a reassuring smile] - Tomorrow, then.
[They would talk - really talk - and decide where to go from there.]
[He smiled again, smaller than a previous but still more effortless, even spontaneous, than most in his life. Risking it, he shifted his hand to, just a moment—lightly so she could get away instantly if she wanted—fold over hers.]
I think it's going to help me get through the night—looking forward to that.
[Oh, skies. Good thing Kay wasn't there with them just now. He might have something to say about Cassian's unusual… expressiveness, maybe.]
[Jyn thought ... she could get used to bearing witness to Cassian's smile. She watched with an almost-breathless interest as he turned his hand over, and, after a moment, placed it over hers. For another moment, she was quiet as she took in (and tried to memorize) the warmth of his rough, calloused skin) this new contact.]
Yeah - [She breathed, nodding gently] me, too.
[The thought of being completely open was terrifying, but maybe ... in the wake of everything they had been through, with the tentative promise of what was yet to come, it was necessary to lay everything out, to find out where they stood and what they wanted, if there was a future in which they could be ...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 04:48 am (UTC)Cassian was right. Of course he was right, and although her grief was more than warranted, she couldn't allow it to take control of her completely. There was still so much work to be done, and she owed it to everyone who had sacrificed their lives for the cause to do that work and to see it through.]
I know.
[She muttered, her voice raw with unshed tears.]
I know.
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Date: 2019-06-24 04:59 am (UTC)After a moment, quietly confessed:]
I know it isn't fair. About what I want, not what you do. But I'm so glad you're here. Alive.
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Date: 2019-06-24 05:09 am (UTC)It felt ... reassuring, knowing that she wasn't alone, that he was still with her (all the way?), that if anybody understood how she felt, good and bad, it was him.]
I'm glad you're alive, too.
[How could he possibly begin to know what she wanted? Jyn didn't even know what she wanted. But she was still here, so maybe ... that could count for something.]
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Date: 2019-06-24 05:24 am (UTC)He couldn't… which was how he knew he must only be thinking of what he wanted. Which was…
Nothing he could allow himself to hope for.
He'd never had an intimate relationship that wasn't part of a mission, and therefore involved lies and manipulation. He didn't want those things coming near whatever his connection was or would be with Jyn. So whatever it was, wouldn't come from him.
Still. He didn't realize in time to prevent, his finger moving again, tracing a line on her hand; some kind of glyph of expression. Me too/I'm here/Thank you]
So… what else have I missed, since we've been back and I've been stuck here?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 05:56 am (UTC)Cassian was in the midst of a long, grueling recovery. The losses the Rebellion had sustained was staggering. They had lost friends, old and new.
It made sense to take solace in each other, since they were all that was left. But ... would it be taking advantage to act on something that Jyn felt had been building ever since welcome home? Would it be out of grief and nothing more?
She had never had any real relationships, only tiny trysts that barely even resembled anything truly intimate, but with Cassian -
Oh, she wanted.
Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
At least she had the undeniable pleasure of his finger brushing against her skin, such a small gesture, but more than enough to set the blood in her veins ablaze.]
Not much, I'm afraid. When I haven't been here, I've just ... tried to find a place where I fit. No luck yet.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 06:31 am (UTC)You fit with me.
Cassian tried to think of any other words in their shared language.
…Okay:]
I'll have to figure that out, too. I don't think I can go back to what I did before.
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Date: 2019-06-24 06:43 am (UTC)Wherever you go, whatever you do.
Partners, in every sense of the word.]
What do you think you'll do?
[Will you want to do it with me?]
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Date: 2019-06-24 06:50 am (UTC)It's probably going to be quiet for a while. We need to regroup and so does the Empire. We should get our numbers up. And there are survivors of Jedha and Alderaan— [that had happened while he was in a medical coma] —to rehome. Draven suggested I get back out there for recruiting, or I join a planetary surveying team.
[Recruiting used to be his favorite of the work he did, giving people hope and options; but now… filling vacancies he'd helped to create…]
I have fewer skills for surveying than for recruiting, but I think I'd rather do that.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 06:31 pm (UTC)[Jyn nodded her understanding, unsurprised to hear that Cassian had already considered his options and made plans for when he was finally out of recovery. Still, it stung that he hadn't spoken to her about any of it until now.
But then - why was it necessary for Cassian to tell her anything at all?
She ducked her head and swallowed hard. He was right, of course, there was going to be a need to find a home for the last survivors of Jedha and Alderaan. Maybe he didn't think he had all the necessary skills in order to do the job, but she knew him well enough to know that he was more than capable to undertake it.]
You would be gone more often than not.
[And she would lose the only thing that was keeping her steady in a world that felt like it was anything but. Maybe it was selfish of Jyn to think about being parted that way, when she knew there was still so much work to do and not enough hands to take the work on, but she had thought -
She had hoped ...
That whatever they decided to do, it would be as a team. And now, she wasn't so sure that that was going to be a possibility.]
It's admirable, you know, to want to help like that.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 02:59 am (UTC)I told him, though— [speaking carefully] —that I wouldn't make up my mind until…
Um.
Well.
Whatever you choose to do next, doesn't need to have anything to do with me.
But… if you're okay with it… whatever I do next is gonna have to do with you.
I mean…
Do you know what you want to do?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 03:23 am (UTC)I don't know what I want to do. The Pathfinders have been sniffing around, but I - I ... I don't think I can.
I've been trying to find a place, but ... nothing seems to fit or feel right.
[Slowly, now. Haltingly - ]
You said that you might want to do surveying. So forgive me if I don't understand.
But ...
What does that have to do with me?
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Date: 2019-06-25 03:26 am (UTC)It struck me as something you could do, too. We could do together.
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Date: 2019-06-25 03:38 am (UTC)I ... suppose I could do it.
[Breathe.]
... Do you want to do it together?
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Date: 2019-06-25 03:43 am (UTC)Or… it could be something else. But…
I want to keep working with you. Stay a team.
[Breathe]
If that's okay with you.
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Date: 2019-06-25 03:47 am (UTC)Yeah.
[Damn it, she was getting choked up. Not the time. Not helpful.]
I do.
I suppose we have some time to figure things out. Or we could ... give it a try, see if it sticks.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 03:53 am (UTC)There're still unknowns, shouldn't-dare-expects and in-spite-of-himself-hopes. But everything else is negotiable, as long as he can stay at her side.
He even kinda thought she sounded a little emotional. But he wouldn't bet on it; not when his objectivity was so far lost when it came to anything Jyn Erso.
A rare moment of not thinking too hard about what he said next:]
Ugh… I wish it was tomorrow.
…We could keep talking somewhere more private.
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Date: 2019-06-25 04:16 am (UTC)Weren't as unreciprocated as she had been fearing.
But she was looking too far ahead, hoping for something that there was barely even a sliver to hope for.]
I don't think anybody's really listening, Cassian. [She replied, pausing momentarily.] Planning on sharing something classified with me?
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Date: 2019-06-25 04:35 am (UTC)No, I guess not.
Unless there's anything you want to know. I got to read your file, after all; only fair for you to get some things on me.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 04:44 am (UTC)I do want to know.
But ... I want you to tell me things because you want me to know, not because you feel like you owe me anything.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 05:56 am (UTC)He found he wanted her to know so much… so many of the small memories he'd shared with Kay or no one else at all…
But there was also so much he wished had never happened, so she didn't have to know, but not because he was holding back. Things he probably should tell up front, so she could decide immediately, before anything went any further (if it would), whether she actually wanted anything more/at all to do with him.]
…I guess… there are things… I… might talk about tomorrow. [However little anyone might be listening here, he wasn't going to… confess, he guessed, in medical.] Make sure… you know about me before… to make sure you do want to be in the same team. Or so you don't find out some other way, some other time.
At the same time, I don't know that it's right to put stuff like that on you.
I'm not sure. …I've never had a partner but Kaytoo.
[Was "partner" going too far…?]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 05:42 pm (UTC)It couldn't be healthy to hold everything inside - emotionally or physically - and yet, she had never had anyone close enough to confide in. Cassian had told her 'welcome home', and Jyn had felt, maybe for the first time in her life, that she could find one here, that she could find a confidant in him, a friend ... maybe more. If he wanted more, Force, she hoped that he wanted more, or would grow to.
He had read her dossier, he was right about that, but a dossier couldn't tell him everything. And it was all the little details that she wanted him to know, the things she had seen and done and cried about. The good, the bad, everything in between, if he wanted to know.
And then, he could make the decision if she was still worthy of his time and consideration. It seemed to her that they were on the same wavelength when it came to that. Maybe that was a good sign.]
Alright - [she agreed, her lips lifting into just the hint of what she hoped was a reassuring smile] - Tomorrow, then.
[They would talk - really talk - and decide where to go from there.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-26 08:21 am (UTC)I think it's going to help me get through the night—looking forward to that.
[Oh, skies. Good thing Kay wasn't there with them just now. He might have something to say about Cassian's unusual… expressiveness, maybe.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-26 05:24 pm (UTC)Yeah - [She breathed, nodding gently] me, too.
[The thought of being completely open was terrifying, but maybe ... in the wake of everything they had been through, with the tentative promise of what was yet to come, it was necessary to lay everything out, to find out where they stood and what they wanted, if there was a future in which they could be ...
Partners.]
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Date: 2019-06-27 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-27 02:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
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From:cw: past dubcon, headcanon up the whazzoo, and some stuff based on the novelization
From:first of all how dare you. i was heartbroken at work ALL DAY.
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From:(a) That was absolutely lovely, (b) Oh bb, I totally tag with wookieepedia open to help me ^_^
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