Cassian knew how to keep himself from shaking. He looked down at her hand and wondered if it was a kind of lying.
After a long moment, he put his own hand flat on the mattress between them. Not sure what he hoped or expected from the gesture, but… an offering, of some kind.]
I wasn't even sure you'd want to stay with the Alliance. After we failed you.
You have to know, though… I'm not the only one who knows how you did not fail us.
[Jyn glanced at Cassian's hand and considered - briefly - if it was a sort of invitation of some kind, to touch or take or hold on like there was no tomorrow.
...
She wanted to.
She flexed her fingers and tentatively set hers down nearby. Close ... but not making contact.]
You didn't fail me, Cassian, you believed me.
[Here, she took a deep breath, shaking her head, unable to keep from showing - just a touch, at first - some of her grief.]
I did fail. So many people didn't come back. And that's because of me. Whatever they think they know, they don't. They'll never know the truth of what we did.
[Basteren. Calfor. Casrich. Kappehl. Jav. Pao. Stordan. Rostok. Melshi. Sefla. Rook. Îmwe. Malbus. (Kaytoo. Erso. Andor.) He wondered if there were anyone else left who knew just what names were on that list. He was holding back on telling anyone until he was certain what their legacy would be; how those names would be judged.
He bent his last finger until it brushed against her hand.]
Not because of you. Thanks to you. I didn't have to persuade anyone to join our mission. They just had to find out it, you, existed, to want to be a part of it. The Council was turning away from the Rebellion. While you…
Do you want me to tell you what would have happened to any of us, if not for you?
[Jyn didn't pull her hand away, although there was a moment when her body stiffened as though she was surprised by the contact ... because she was.
She inhaled sharply, but didn't have enough in her to deny that she had done anything worthy of merit. But when she glanced back up at Cassian, that doubt and grief and sadness was more than clear in her eyes, the downturn of her lips.]
[His hand doesn't move, and he lays it all out as if emotionlessly.]
The Alliance would have surrendered and disbanded. Those who could still comply with Imperial rule would take their punishments and do so. Their well-off Human populations wouldn't notice much difference, might even be relieved. The poorest and the nonhumans would flee, be enslaved, or exterminated. Former leaders like Mon Mothma, General Draven, and Senator Organa would be executed.
Of our friends: the Guardians [Baze and Chirrut] would never surrender to the ones who'd destroyed Jedha. They would have joined with other individuals of the former Alliance, probably many the same ones who'd gone with us to Scarif, in continuing to fight; but without the support of the Alliance, mostly they'd be seeking their best way to die.
The traitor Rook would have been turned over by the Alliance as part of the surrender, to be made an example of to other Imperial subjects. It would have been very painful and lasted a very, very long time.
To prevent Kaytoo from being restored to factory spec, which would turn him back into an Imperial weapon, I'd have destroyed him myself. Before I joined the Guardians. [In finding the best way to die.]
[Jyn knew it was true - each and every word of it. But that didn't make it any easier to take, and it would never lessen her guilt a single iota.
Why had she survived when so many others had given their lives? It didn't seem fair - but then, when had life ever been fair to Jyn Erso?
How could she possibly be expected to bear the weight of the decisions she had made, the actions she had undertaken? How could she possibly atone for the wrongs she'd done?]
Is any of this supposed to make me feel better, Captain?
Because it doesn't. I - what - helped them find a more meaningful death? They're still gone! It makes me question why I'm still here. Why did I survive when I shouldn't have - what did I do to deserve ... I should have ...
[His finger twitched again, but he didn't try to take her hand.
Very softly:] Have you ever seen anyone in the universe get what they deserve?
I shouldn't have made it off that beach. I didn't want to. I thought I was getting a better death than I ever could have hoped for. I could argue their deaths are on me, not you. But it's not about either of us. We do them a disservice to take credit for their choice.
We made it off the beach. It would have been so much easier if we hadn't. I was ready to be done. But we aren't. So… we figure out what to do with it. Our dying wouldn't have served them.
[For a moment - a long moment - the only noise coming from Jyn was her erratic breathing.
Cassian was right. Of course he was right, and although her grief was more than warranted, she couldn't allow it to take control of her completely. There was still so much work to be done, and she owed it to everyone who had sacrificed their lives for the cause to do that work and to see it through.]
[He decided that any further touch right now would be too much, unfair to put on her. He just focused on where their skin already met and tried, probably fancifully, to send energy—support—Force—flowing between them, there.
After a moment, quietly confessed:]
I know it isn't fair. About what I want, not what you do. But I'm so glad you're here. Alive.
[It was steadying - what little contact they were currently maintaining. And Jyn did feel grateful for it, that Cassian didn't call it to an end just quite yet.
It felt ... reassuring, knowing that she wasn't alone, that he was still with her (all the way?), that if anybody understood how she felt, good and bad, it was him.]
I'm glad you're alive, too.
[How could he possibly begin to know what she wanted? Jyn didn't even know what she wanted. But she was still here, so maybe ... that could count for something.]
He couldn't… which was how he knew he must only be thinking of what he wanted. Which was…
Nothing he could allow himself to hope for.
He'd never had an intimate relationship that wasn't part of a mission, and therefore involved lies and manipulation. He didn't want those things coming near whatever his connection was or would be with Jyn. So whatever it was, wouldn't come from him.
Still. He didn't realize in time to prevent, his finger moving again, tracing a line on her hand; some kind of glyph of expression. Me too/I'm here/Thank you]
So… what else have I missed, since we've been back and I've been stuck here?
[How selfish it would be to think about what she wanted at a time like this.
Cassian was in the midst of a long, grueling recovery. The losses the Rebellion had sustained was staggering. They had lost friends, old and new.
It made sense to take solace in each other, since they were all that was left. But ... would it be taking advantage to act on something that Jyn felt had been building ever since welcome home? Would it be out of grief and nothing more?
She had never had any real relationships, only tiny trysts that barely even resembled anything truly intimate, but with Cassian -
Oh, she wanted.
Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
At least she had the undeniable pleasure of his finger brushing against her skin, such a small gesture, but more than enough to set the blood in her veins ablaze.]
Not much, I'm afraid. When I haven't been here, I've just ... tried to find a place where I fit. No luck yet.
[He'd spoken with Draven since waking up, so it wasn't just guessing to say—]
It's probably going to be quiet for a while. We need to regroup and so does the Empire. We should get our numbers up. And there are survivors of Jedha and Alderaan— [that had happened while he was in a medical coma] —to rehome. Draven suggested I get back out there for recruiting, or I join a planetary surveying team.
[Recruiting used to be his favorite of the work he did, giving people hope and options; but now… filling vacancies he'd helped to create…]
I have fewer skills for surveying than for recruiting, but I think I'd rather do that.
[Jyn nodded her understanding, unsurprised to hear that Cassian had already considered his options and made plans for when he was finally out of recovery. Still, it stung that he hadn't spoken to her about any of it until now.
But then - why was it necessary for Cassian to tell her anything at all?
She ducked her head and swallowed hard. He was right, of course, there was going to be a need to find a home for the last survivors of Jedha and Alderaan. Maybe he didn't think he had all the necessary skills in order to do the job, but she knew him well enough to know that he was more than capable to undertake it.]
You would be gone more often than not.
[And she would lose the only thing that was keeping her steady in a world that felt like it was anything but. Maybe it was selfish of Jyn to think about being parted that way, when she knew there was still so much work to do and not enough hands to take the work on, but she had thought -
She had hoped ...
That whatever they decided to do, it would be as a team. And now, she wasn't so sure that that was going to be a possibility.]
It's admirable, you know, to want to help like that.
[For a moment, Jyn's brain seemed to short-circuit. Did Cassian really mean what she thought he was insinuating, or did she just want it so desperately that she was reading into everything?]
[A breath he felt like he'd been holding since Scarif releases at last.
There're still unknowns, shouldn't-dare-expects and in-spite-of-himself-hopes. But everything else is negotiable, as long as he can stay at her side.
He even kinda thought she sounded a little emotional. But he wouldn't bet on it; not when his objectivity was so far lost when it came to anything Jyn Erso.
A rare moment of not thinking too hard about what he said next:]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 02:17 am (UTC)Cassian knew how to keep himself from shaking. He looked down at her hand and wondered if it was a kind of lying.
After a long moment, he put his own hand flat on the mattress between them. Not sure what he hoped or expected from the gesture, but… an offering, of some kind.]
I wasn't even sure you'd want to stay with the Alliance. After we failed you.
You have to know, though… I'm not the only one who knows how you did not fail us.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 02:32 am (UTC)...
She wanted to.
She flexed her fingers and tentatively set hers down nearby. Close ... but not making contact.]
You didn't fail me, Cassian, you believed me.
[Here, she took a deep breath, shaking her head, unable to keep from showing - just a touch, at first - some of her grief.]
I did fail. So many people didn't come back. And that's because of me. Whatever they think they know, they don't. They'll never know the truth of what we did.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 02:53 am (UTC)(Kaytoo. Erso. Andor.)
He wondered if there were anyone else left who knew just what names were on that list. He was holding back on telling anyone until he was certain what their legacy would be; how those names would be judged.
He bent his last finger until it brushed against her hand.]
Not because of you. Thanks to you. I didn't have to persuade anyone to join our mission. They just had to find out it, you, existed, to want to be a part of it. The Council was turning away from the Rebellion. While you…
Do you want me to tell you what would have happened to any of us, if not for you?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 03:15 am (UTC)She inhaled sharply, but didn't have enough in her to deny that she had done anything worthy of merit. But when she glanced back up at Cassian, that doubt and grief and sadness was more than clear in her eyes, the downturn of her lips.]
Tell me.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 03:30 am (UTC)The Alliance would have surrendered and disbanded. Those who could still comply with Imperial rule would take their punishments and do so. Their well-off Human populations wouldn't notice much difference, might even be relieved. The poorest and the nonhumans would flee, be enslaved, or exterminated. Former leaders like Mon Mothma, General Draven, and Senator Organa would be executed.
Of our friends: the Guardians [Baze and Chirrut] would never surrender to the ones who'd destroyed Jedha. They would have joined with other individuals of the former Alliance, probably many the same ones who'd gone with us to Scarif, in continuing to fight; but without the support of the Alliance, mostly they'd be seeking their best way to die.
The traitor Rook would have been turned over by the Alliance as part of the surrender, to be made an example of to other Imperial subjects. It would have been very painful and lasted a very, very long time.
To prevent Kaytoo from being restored to factory spec, which would turn him back into an Imperial weapon, I'd have destroyed him myself. Before I joined the Guardians. [In finding the best way to die.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 03:49 am (UTC)Why had she survived when so many others had given their lives? It didn't seem fair - but then, when had life ever been fair to Jyn Erso?
How could she possibly be expected to bear the weight of the decisions she had made, the actions she had undertaken? How could she possibly atone for the wrongs she'd done?]
Is any of this supposed to make me feel better, Captain?
Because it doesn't. I - what - helped them find a more meaningful death? They're still gone! It makes me question why I'm still here. Why did I survive when I shouldn't have - what did I do to deserve ... I should have ...
I never should have made it off of that beach!
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 04:37 am (UTC)Very softly:] Have you ever seen anyone in the universe get what they deserve?
I shouldn't have made it off that beach. I didn't want to. I thought I was getting a better death than I ever could have hoped for. I could argue their deaths are on me, not you. But it's not about either of us. We do them a disservice to take credit for their choice.
We made it off the beach. It would have been so much easier if we hadn't. I was ready to be done. But we aren't. So… we figure out what to do with it. Our dying wouldn't have served them.
We can find ways to make our living do that.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 04:48 am (UTC)Cassian was right. Of course he was right, and although her grief was more than warranted, she couldn't allow it to take control of her completely. There was still so much work to be done, and she owed it to everyone who had sacrificed their lives for the cause to do that work and to see it through.]
I know.
[She muttered, her voice raw with unshed tears.]
I know.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 04:59 am (UTC)After a moment, quietly confessed:]
I know it isn't fair. About what I want, not what you do. But I'm so glad you're here. Alive.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 05:09 am (UTC)It felt ... reassuring, knowing that she wasn't alone, that he was still with her (all the way?), that if anybody understood how she felt, good and bad, it was him.]
I'm glad you're alive, too.
[How could he possibly begin to know what she wanted? Jyn didn't even know what she wanted. But she was still here, so maybe ... that could count for something.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 05:24 am (UTC)He couldn't… which was how he knew he must only be thinking of what he wanted. Which was…
Nothing he could allow himself to hope for.
He'd never had an intimate relationship that wasn't part of a mission, and therefore involved lies and manipulation. He didn't want those things coming near whatever his connection was or would be with Jyn. So whatever it was, wouldn't come from him.
Still. He didn't realize in time to prevent, his finger moving again, tracing a line on her hand; some kind of glyph of expression. Me too/I'm here/Thank you]
So… what else have I missed, since we've been back and I've been stuck here?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 05:56 am (UTC)Cassian was in the midst of a long, grueling recovery. The losses the Rebellion had sustained was staggering. They had lost friends, old and new.
It made sense to take solace in each other, since they were all that was left. But ... would it be taking advantage to act on something that Jyn felt had been building ever since welcome home? Would it be out of grief and nothing more?
She had never had any real relationships, only tiny trysts that barely even resembled anything truly intimate, but with Cassian -
Oh, she wanted.
Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
At least she had the undeniable pleasure of his finger brushing against her skin, such a small gesture, but more than enough to set the blood in her veins ablaze.]
Not much, I'm afraid. When I haven't been here, I've just ... tried to find a place where I fit. No luck yet.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 06:31 am (UTC)You fit with me.
Cassian tried to think of any other words in their shared language.
…Okay:]
I'll have to figure that out, too. I don't think I can go back to what I did before.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 06:43 am (UTC)Wherever you go, whatever you do.
Partners, in every sense of the word.]
What do you think you'll do?
[Will you want to do it with me?]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 06:50 am (UTC)It's probably going to be quiet for a while. We need to regroup and so does the Empire. We should get our numbers up. And there are survivors of Jedha and Alderaan— [that had happened while he was in a medical coma] —to rehome. Draven suggested I get back out there for recruiting, or I join a planetary surveying team.
[Recruiting used to be his favorite of the work he did, giving people hope and options; but now… filling vacancies he'd helped to create…]
I have fewer skills for surveying than for recruiting, but I think I'd rather do that.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 06:31 pm (UTC)[Jyn nodded her understanding, unsurprised to hear that Cassian had already considered his options and made plans for when he was finally out of recovery. Still, it stung that he hadn't spoken to her about any of it until now.
But then - why was it necessary for Cassian to tell her anything at all?
She ducked her head and swallowed hard. He was right, of course, there was going to be a need to find a home for the last survivors of Jedha and Alderaan. Maybe he didn't think he had all the necessary skills in order to do the job, but she knew him well enough to know that he was more than capable to undertake it.]
You would be gone more often than not.
[And she would lose the only thing that was keeping her steady in a world that felt like it was anything but. Maybe it was selfish of Jyn to think about being parted that way, when she knew there was still so much work to do and not enough hands to take the work on, but she had thought -
She had hoped ...
That whatever they decided to do, it would be as a team. And now, she wasn't so sure that that was going to be a possibility.]
It's admirable, you know, to want to help like that.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 02:59 am (UTC)I told him, though— [speaking carefully] —that I wouldn't make up my mind until…
Um.
Well.
Whatever you choose to do next, doesn't need to have anything to do with me.
But… if you're okay with it… whatever I do next is gonna have to do with you.
I mean…
Do you know what you want to do?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 03:23 am (UTC)I don't know what I want to do. The Pathfinders have been sniffing around, but I - I ... I don't think I can.
I've been trying to find a place, but ... nothing seems to fit or feel right.
[Slowly, now. Haltingly - ]
You said that you might want to do surveying. So forgive me if I don't understand.
But ...
What does that have to do with me?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 03:26 am (UTC)It struck me as something you could do, too. We could do together.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 03:38 am (UTC)I ... suppose I could do it.
[Breathe.]
... Do you want to do it together?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 03:43 am (UTC)Or… it could be something else. But…
I want to keep working with you. Stay a team.
[Breathe]
If that's okay with you.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 03:47 am (UTC)Yeah.
[Damn it, she was getting choked up. Not the time. Not helpful.]
I do.
I suppose we have some time to figure things out. Or we could ... give it a try, see if it sticks.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 03:53 am (UTC)There're still unknowns, shouldn't-dare-expects and in-spite-of-himself-hopes. But everything else is negotiable, as long as he can stay at her side.
He even kinda thought she sounded a little emotional. But he wouldn't bet on it; not when his objectivity was so far lost when it came to anything Jyn Erso.
A rare moment of not thinking too hard about what he said next:]
Ugh… I wish it was tomorrow.
…We could keep talking somewhere more private.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 04:16 am (UTC)Weren't as unreciprocated as she had been fearing.
But she was looking too far ahead, hoping for something that there was barely even a sliver to hope for.]
I don't think anybody's really listening, Cassian. [She replied, pausing momentarily.] Planning on sharing something classified with me?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-25 04:35 am (UTC)No, I guess not.
Unless there's anything you want to know. I got to read your file, after all; only fair for you to get some things on me.
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From:cw: past dubcon, headcanon up the whazzoo, and some stuff based on the novelization
From:first of all how dare you. i was heartbroken at work ALL DAY.
From:/HUGS!/ SORRY!!
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From:(a) That was absolutely lovely, (b) Oh bb, I totally tag with wookieepedia open to help me ^_^
From:thank you! and thank goodness for wookiepedia, too
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